I now know that it was not my fault and will no longer punish myself for your actions. I believe that you crossed my boundaries and disrespected me. And because I am building a better relationship with myself, I now know that I deserve better and have the right for my voice to be heard.
I will not excuse your behavior as being okay because your actions were inappropriate; however, I’ve decided that I am no longer going to hate or resent you. I do know that I will always be fearful that any further encounter with you could cause me grave physical, emotional and spiritual harm, jeopardizing my life further; however, part of healing fro
m the abuse and moving forward with my life is forgiving myself and placing the responsibility and accountability back to the abuser, the person that caused me harm. If you do not know what you have done (Narcissists will deny everything), I am completing my process of healing by writing my trauma narrative; recounting the hurtfulness and all the abusive and unkindness you purged onto me and in my life. I am telling your secrets.
My narrative is the emotional communications that have limited and restricted MY life for the past three years.
My narrative frees me from the pain and unkindness you brought into my life and gives the accountability and responsibility of the abuse to the abuser. My trauma narrative belongs to you. “It doesn't seem right that a relationship that should have been a legacy of love is a monument of misery.”
I revisited the countless situations from the beginning of our relationship; I learned that I had been "groomed" from the start into an abusive cycle and that my behavior was due to being emotionally badgered and reacting in self-defense. Fully trusting that my fiancé would always look out for my health and welfare and have my best interest at heart at all costs, my willingness to be abilging and accommodating was preyed upon.
No longer deluded by the language I was brainwashed with, there were very serious concerns from the beginning, with the flight of your first wife with your daughter and being denied contact or visitation, an uprising of health concerns I encountered after becoming intimate with you, and your admitting to visual hallucinations. These are only a few examples. Yet, giving you the benefit of the doubt, I made the choice to go into the mobile home park, to meet a high school drop-out sneaking across the street to have sex with his sixty year old neighbor. Unfortunately, my choice to be with an "air conditioning repair man," also brought other negative repercussions of being subjected to abuse. Although you would have me believe differently, that you were living in a "gated community" and were a "service technician," with a GED, the reality is that a pickle can only be a pickle! Trying to make me believe that a pickle could ever be a cucumber would NEVER happen. I don't expect, nor do I believe you have the capacity to look that introspectively and do the intense work needed to have an understanding of self or anyone else, but this is about my healing and returning the accountability and responsibility for all the abuse back to you. In addition, after you inflicted pain and hurt, you ran like a coward, as if you were a victim.
A crucial revelation was that you have never expressed accountability or responsibility on your part in this or with any of your relationships. In lieu of being a responsible adult, someone "doing better, being better" you abused me, through coercion, infidelity, withholding, anger, finances, disrespect, devaluing, shaming, degrading, exposing me to health risks and even being so hurtful as to go as far to threaten me. You did not have the right to cause me harm.
The truth is that there is no excuse for being abusive. Whether it's a learned reaction, or an expression, there is no excuse for treating someone like less than they are. There is no place in a relationship for fear, and there is no room in a relationship for inflicted pain. You did not have the right to abuse me to feel better about yourself or to take any entitlements that were not yours. You did not have the right to project your anger and resentment for my achievements and abuse and devalue me. It was my mistake to believe that you had risen above adversity. Abuse is abuse and you are accountable and responsible.
Forgiving is not condoning; and your hurtful actions have consequences. “Pain does not equal love, love equals love.” So, when you said to me that you didn’t realize how much you loved me I never imagined love to be so painful, so painful that I never would wish the hurt I’ve felt on anyone, not even you. Love is not abuse…abuse is not love… Now all I do is try to forget the man that never existed, the dream I was coerced to believe in. I continue to write my trauma narrative, telling all the secrets and exposing all the painful memories. Only now, no longer deluded from your brainwashing, I am only responsible for my part and you are accountable for the harm you caused.
ABUSE is NOT a secret!
You did not have the right to abuse me.
will NEVER
One way of looking at emotional abuse is being denied the thing you need when you need it the most.
John Bradshaw says something similar to this.
He said we were most shamed at the times when we were most in need.
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