ance and the willingness to support their emotional needs. This pattern also surfaced again, with my abuser's inability to delay getting his needs met, as he was unwilling to be empathic or supportive when I requested we briefly postpone our move, so that I could focus on an important test that was a milestone achievement in my career. I would understand more of this behavior later, as time went on. Unfortunately, like his children, I would suffer the repercussions of that behavior; however, I would inevitably have the insight to understand that this behavior was extremely disrespectful, hurtful, selfish, narcissistic, borderline and above all, ABUSIVE. I could no longer ignore the signs, nor could I hide the secrets and live in denial.Shortly after we were together, I was in my living room and my abuser came up to me and said that “this feels like before.” He told me he meant that it felt the same, for whatever reason. There was no explanation, nor could he identify where the thought came from to feel that way. I said nothing, trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and told him that was his “stuff” and that he needed to deal with. I was so hurt that he would say such a thing, especially since he had already told me that he was so unhappy in his marriage. However, that was the start, and instead of going to get help, I would continually be the recipient of all the pain from his past. With my codependent nature, I wanted to make things better, even if it meant that I would unknowingly be covertly abused. On one hand my abuser would tell me how lucky he felt to have me and stated that “falling in love with you was the best thing that's ever happened to me,” and on the other hand, he'd make accusations that the noises from my computer inferred I was being unfaithful. As I continually tried to deal with my abuser's strange polar thoughts, feelings and behaviors, HE would accuse me of being moody (more of his displaced feelings). I understand now why I always had so much anxiety around my abuser.
A big clue all along had been that my abuser could never identify feelings appropriately. When he said he "loved me," he could not state what made him feel that way, what it was about me. When he had a "feeling from before," he could not identify what was occurring that gave him that "feeling," nor could he identify what that "feeling" was. This shows a huge disconnect in thoughts, behaviors and feelings, which most NORMAL people can identify in their cognition as interrelated to one another. My abuser did not have that capability, as he is disconnected, detached from feelings, part of why he is unable to have empathy and compassion for others.
The heart is where we go to heal, the core, the essence, the place to find the truth, to learn who you are, the place my abuser has yet to discover in his lifetime. However, I now understand his dynamic, and learned that the estrangements throughout his life, the detached relationships from childhood and into his adult life led to my abuser to never successfully achieving long-term close relationships. Other than his family relationships, my abuser has NO friends. This is one reason why he remains enmeshed with his children and continued his abusive and hurtful behavior towards me. My abuser would violate the boundaries of our relationship by inappropriately sharing our personal and private information with his children, eliciting their feedback about challenges that we were having in our relationship. This is a fifty year old man seeking guidance from his children that are barely in their twenties. He also never expressed accountability towards any of the brief relationships he attempted to engage in. When he did speak about his brief relationships, he placed blame on the inadequacies of others, offering an excuse that the reason his first wife ran off with his daughter was because "her mother was trying to get her away."
Thinking back, I failed to listen clearly to the messages that I was hearing. My abuser told me that he went to work one day and when he came home, his wife and daughter were gone. It would be several years before he would see his daughter and he said that he did not know her whereabouts. He also was adamant and made certain that I knew that he was paying his child support. However, he was paying his child support for his daughter to the District Attorney. At the time, it did not dawn on me the meaning of paying child support to the District Attorney. This meant that the District Attorney knew his daughter's whereabouts, and yet, my abuser was not allowed to know. Parents are not denied their parental rights so easily, nor are they denied to know the whereabouts of their children, unless there is a threat of safety or physical harm. So, the fact that my abuser did not have contact with his daughter for several years could not be solely attributed to his mother-in-law wanting for her daughter to "get away" from my abuser.
Read on:
The narcissist cannot countenance your separateness. To him, you are a mere instrument of gratification or an extension of his bloated False Self. He resents your pecuniary wherewithal, is insanely jealous of your friends, refuses to accept your preferences or compromise his own, and is envious and dismissive of your accomplishments.
My abuser had the audacity to challenge me in my professional capacity, as if he had more knowledge, education and experience in the work I have done for over ten years. I had learned that this was one more attempt to degrade me and coerce me to believe I was incompetent. This was probably the most insulting but it showed me just how desperate my abuser was to behave so hatefully. He would selectively share about his therapy, giving me information for his benefit, although I knew the things he told me was considered unethical and inappropriate practice. So, it became clear how my abuser was even manipulating the therapy process, but due to his narcissistic thinking, would not ponder the thought that perhaps I might know better.
Pathological forms of narcissism are more easily identified by the quality of the individual's relationships.
I will reiterate, my abuser had no friends, worked alone and the relationship before ours was with a sixty year old woman, living across the street that he was sneaking around to have sex with. That ended he said due to her contracting an “infection.”
One tragedy affecting these people is their inability to love. Healthy interpersonal relationships can be recognized by qualities such as empathy and concern for the feelings of others, a genuine interest in the ideas of others, the ability to tolerate ambivalence in long-term relationships without giving up, and a capacity to acknowledge one's own contribution to interpersonal conflicts. People who are characterized by these qualities may at times use others to gratify their own needs, but the tendency occurs in the broader context of sensitive interpersonal relatedness rather than as a pervasive style of dealing with other people.
My abuser stated he would do whatever it would take to do the work in a relationship, telling me that we were a “couple” and even articulated his frustration whenever I would not be inclusive of the term “we.” I learned that this was all part of his grooming process, all “fluff and air.” The truth is that like a classic narcissist, my abuser did NOTHING that he adamantly swore to and allowed me to suffer the grave repercussions of his neglectfulness and carelessness. Moreover, he even dared to continue to absolve himself from his accountability and responsibility when I confronted him with what he did to me financially and stated he had nothing to do with it. This is narcissism at its truest form. Even though my abuser has not seen the documents I have with his signature to prove his involvement and responsibility, he would still fabricate a way to believe that he is not accountable. This is what he has done his whole life. The other example of his denial was when he said when I confronted him that “it was my opinion.” Unfortunately, it was facts, not an opinion. So to say that any decent, kind, caring human being would say that his hurtful and abusive behavior was just an opinion, would most likely be just as sick as my abuser. Since I have articulated the facts, provided examples, given word for word statements that my abuser articulated, there is really NO opinion as to whether lies, hurtfulness, cruelty, deceit, disrespect, degrading, dehumanizing, and absolute emotional rape is in any way something that my abuser could or has the right to debate or express his “opinion” about. That my dear readers, is just NOT negotiable!
On the other hand, the person with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder approaches people as objects to be used up and discarded according to his needs, without regard for their feelings. People are not viewed as having a separate existence or as having needs of their own. The individual with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder frequently ends a relationship after a short time, usually when the other person begins to make demands stemming from for his or her own needs. Most importantly, such relationships clearly do not 'work' in terms of the narcissist's ability to maintain his or her own sense of self-esteem."
The absolute moment I set a limit with my abuser, was the moment he could not tolerate the relationship any longer. The minute I required consideration and respect, was the moment he could no longer keep blurring the boundaries. For my abuser, someone that views others as “objects,” this is intolerable, and that was the very moment my abuser spiraled out of control, becoming more and more coercively abusive. A good example of his coercive behavior came during Christmas. Although he wouldn’t think I noticed, he inappropriately purchased a Victoria’s Secret gift card for his daughter. He also purchased one for me, his fiancé, only a lesser value. He purchased a spa certificate package for his son, and for me, his fiancé, he purchased a lotion and body scrub from the spa. Then, the best was a pair of slippers. Yes! His fiancé, he bought slippers for our second Christmas together. I could tell the thought he invested towards our holiday together and the relationship. So sad, so terribly tragic, is that I am such a kind loving person and this man took advantage of my kindness and will never have the capacity to feel or know love. That is the ultimate tragedy.
At times, it continues to be excruciating painful, as I had trusted my abuser with my life, with all that I had in this world. I have also learned that my excruciating pain comes from a place that values myself, of knowing that I do not have the ability to tolerate the unhealthiness of a sick partner or make accommodations so I could remain in a sick and unhealthy relationship. My partner requires someone as equally dysfunctional and ill to accommodate his abusive behavior. Even though this sadness can be overwhelmingly and deeply painful, this has been MY healing process, accounting for my participation in the relationship, as well as accounting for how I failed to take care of myself, often putting myself in situations that compromised my health, spirit, and the wonderful gifts I bring to this world. I placed myself in situations that were unhealthy, controlling and dangerous, and was shown little regard for my thoughts, values and beliefs. My abuser was so hurtful, stating I was “the most opinionated person he had known,” even though he had continually elicited my feedback. I allowed myself to be shamed, isolated, and faulted for being the person I am, and continually felt devalued, all the while he was insistent that he had never loved anyone as much as he had loved me. Yet, he would attempt to hold me responsible for his anger and pain, and continue to attempt to gain power and control. I learned that focusing on me allowed my abuser to remain unaccountable to our relationship and detach and divert from dealing with the areas in his life that needed attention. I became the scapegoat, which kept my abuser from meeting his parental commitments of planning, managing and supporting his children and addressing the concerns we agreed to resolve, prior to our moving to our new home and marriage. However, this was another example of his failure to meet the commitments to our relationship and showed a genuine lack of respect or value of our union. Rather than doing the work to “do better” and “be better,” every attempt would be made to coerce and manipulate me into the dynamic of his dysfunction; thus, continuing to avoid accountability and responsibility. My resistance led me further into a tangle of confusion and more coercive abuse; all the while I believed with my heart and soul and all I had in this world that my abuser had my best interest at heart. Most certainly, past behavior will predict the future.
Sometimes I have flashes of my abuser's mother sitting next to me at his daughter's wedding. There was an issue with the seating at the wedding, so my abuser's sister and her daughter were asked to change seats. I felt concerned, even suggesting they move from the new seats they chose to ones that appeared to have a better view. I felt helpless and turned to my abuser's mother and told her what I suggested. My abuser's mother said to me "well, she is the sister..." Sometimes when I have this flash, I don't know if I am seeing my abuser or his mother, because the hurtfulness feels the same, the hurtfulness of another person attempting to tear at your heart, the hurtfulness of an emotional rapist.
My wish and hope to find a good soul and connect on a more peaceful level would bring less drama and more forgiveness. I was so convinced and coerced into believing that my abuser was my beshert—Yiddish for “destined mate”—I felt secure, and well prepared for our union. I found someone not identical to me, but a partner with whom I’d share values and a commitment to bring out the highest good in each other. “There’s a coupling of two people’s development into one path—so my mate’s development was as important to me as my own.”
”We know that life is short. Death is certain. And love is real.” I had believed that I was going to enjoy every moment of it, but NOT with an abuser."
So, to ever imagine that the man I passionately loved and adored would go off to work and leave me alone in our bed, deathly sick, would never leave my thoughts.
Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time –
I think this is the part I like the most :-)
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