All I asked God for was a good soul....

I have learned so much about myself from this relationship and know that my initial instincts should have been listened to. From the start, seeing the signs and behaviors that were strange, odd and inappropriate, and from the feedback I received from work in group and individual therapy, in addition to my friends, family, colleagues and other professionals; I had allowed myself to be compromised by a man that is not only emotionally detached, but suffers from a multitude of personality issues which prevent him from having intimacy or healthy relationships. I also KNOW that his vulnerabilities were projected onto me, looking for his own relief of what he could not deal with.

I am not callous, insensitive or unkind. In fact, I am contrary to that in every way. I now acknowledge the truth, the facts and tell the secret, the reality of what is. I am no longer in DENIAL, nor will propose to feed into anyone else's denial. It is as black and white as my abuser. It has just been so difficult to imagine, as most people believe that no one could lead a healthy life and be so concrete, so black and white, good and bad. The truth is NO ONE can lead a healthy life and have these attributes. Life and relationships are to be navigated, through confrontation, negotiation and agreements. Unfortunately, my abuser was unable to integrate these tasks into his schema, resulting in such poor ego strengths that he was/is abusive.

This is NOT something that will change, and because of his lack of insight , he continues to detach and from intimacy and is abusive and hurtful. This is who he is and no matter who he attempts to bring into his life, the result will be the same. I use to say that it always felt as though he was "filling a vacancy" after his wife died, which is exactly what he needs to do, in order to project the pain he carries.

I also learned that genetically, since he has a brother with schizophrenia, the likelihood of other family members with "schizophrenic features" is common, more often than not. With that, it includes a multitude of personality issues and the probability of major difficulties with in a variety of settings. That includes interpersonal relationships.

Sometimes, I stop myself and have to take deep breaths, as I still suffer the heartbreak of his illness and the deception that came with it, I hurt over someone that never existed. I am saddened when I think of a family in denial, and the secrets. They have their own dreams of a friend, a brother, a son and a father. Those dreams are what anyone would long for, just as I had longed for the man that that said he was so in love with me. I imagine how difficult it is for my abuser, to not know who you truly are and to try to fulfill everyone's dream and fantasy of what they hoped for. That is so laboring, tiring and sad.

Yet, I know that I deserve better and that I deserve to have a man who is not struggling in his middle age to be fighting with who is, who he became. Just as my abuser said to me, one day, when he came to visit that "his kids come first." It was an honorable statement, and one I believe as well. However, he made this statement when I had challenged him about plans we had the following weekend and he rudely and disrespectfully diverted any accountability and responsibility of acknowledging his thoughtlessness. Instead, my abuser, my fiance, childishly reprimanded me and stated "my kids come first, attempting to divert his rudeness to me. At the time, he made me feel bad for something which I had NOTHING to feel bad for. Yet, he would use every excuse in the world to avoid accountability at all costs. Even if it meant hurting the person he said he loved.

Ultimately, when the time came for my son to graduate college, he also diverted honoring him and in his hurtfulness exclaimed that his son was graduating too. I had no reservations about the celebration of his son's achievement and in fact, I had proposed several celebration ideas and had started to scan pictures for a poster I was hoping we'd present him. Nevertheless, I realized that no one came first but my abuser. Since I believed that my child would come first, there was no way in hell that I would let my abuser's hurtfulness start to flow to my son. His actions were probably as low and ruthless as anyone could be. Then, I have to stop myself and realize that HE IS CRAZY! I know it sounds like a horrible thing to say, that he is "crazy," but knowing the chaos and drama he brought into my life could only be done by someone entirely "out of sorts." No healthy person would ever behave that way, further evidence that this man lacks insight and unfortunately, that person "out of sorts" is who he is. That is why he has NO friends. He is schizoid (this is a clinical DSM IV diagnosis, which, by the way, I AM QUALIFIED to make! ).

So NOW, all of the energy spent investigating his truthfulness or lack thereof is now focused on my spiritual balance + security of emotion. Wasting my energy to understand my abuser is insignificant. I have understood my abuser the entire time, it is now that I have made the decision to acknowledge what I chose not to see. That is part of what my fiancé has chosen to be, an abuser, and that is who he is.

Despite finally acknowledging my fiance's abusive nature, there still is a deep bruise of betrayal in my heart. That is the bruise of being sucked into my abusers delusion and believing he was something he could never be in this lifetime. If it was not me, it would be someone else... and no doubt, it will be the next... it will be the loss of one more hope, aspiration and future. To think, all I asked God for was a good soul. What are the chances his next encounter will be so gracious?

My comfort + happiness is the priority. The energy I give to my comfort and happiness will attract what I deserve..... someone who treasures me beyond all others.

My heart.... it is full of love waiting to unite with someone who deserves me.

Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves. - Walter Anderson