How did all of this happen? I’ve learned that by not having greater value and respect for myself, I allowed my abuser (HELL) to bring his pain and hurt that he carried into my life. No matter how much I loved, the extent of my pain being a sign of how much I have loved, HELL would never welcome and receive my love as the gift it was meant to be. I brought so many wonderful gifts to the relationship, and placed myself in harms way to share my sacred life with a man that devalued me, worked to crush my spirit, and take entitlements he was not worthy of. My life with HELL was definitely not the life I was meant for. I have learned just how wonderful my spirit is, even with all of his attempts to own my spirit, break my spirit, and control me, the messages were coming to me, to try and protect me.
Even the first night I slept beside my abuser, in the bed his late wife shared with him, I awoke with ill feelings, the room spinning, nauseated and suffered a migraine headache. These were the warning signs that I was in harm’s way. Right down to my abuser keeping his cell phone close to his hip, even listening to it during sex, were signs of his need to control and behavior so sick and inappropriate, it led me to learn that I was certainly in harms way. When I write this, my stomach turns, as I think about how much poison was in my life and just how much my life was in danger. He "appeared" to everyone as this quiet, reserved man, a nice guy most would assume. Unfortunately, the reality was pointed out to me when I was informed that Ted Bundy was considered a "nice guy" too.
HELL would continually attempt to smash my spirit it into a million pieces. Luckily, I am blessed with a wonderful family and an abundance of close friends that are happy to receive my love. With the strength of my spirit and love for myself, I am slowly rebuilding my life, one that honors my talents and gifts and also honors and acknowledges my wants, dreams and desires. I choose to lead a loving life, one that allows me to share my essence, and celebrate my spirit. I know that the life I led with my abuser would have cost me even more than I have endured, as I know I would have surely paid with my life.
What I know now…
I learned that NO father would be withheld from seeing their child, or know their whereabouts, or be excluded from having supervised visitation, unless prevented by court order. This indicates the presence of serious safety concerns, because NO parent is denied their parental rights, unless they have been declared unfit by a court. Therefore, HELL's “story” of how his first wife fled with his daughter is highly unlikely to be truthful. This was a HUGE RED FLAG that I failed to acknowledge because HELL claimed NO responsibility for his parental role and blamed everything on his spouse and mother-in-law.
I also learned that when a fifty year old man continues to believe and accept that sex between a nineteen year old male and a fourteen year old female is appropriate, there are serious concerns about poor judgment and decision making. This certainly indicates an impairment in his thinking process and his continual difficulty with understanding and setting appropriate limitations and boundaries that could have grave repercussions. It just shows more of HELL's illness.
I learned that most families have dialogue at the dinner table, rather than silence (detachment).
I also learned that it was not only hurtful and abusive to share anything personal and private about our relationship with HELL's children, it was extremely inappropriate and further encapsulated HELL's inability to set appropriate limits, maintain appropriate relationships and also validates HELL's lack of care and compassion, without conscience or remorse. It demonstrates malace and a disregard for others. (splitting). It also is inappropriate for a fifty year old man to seek guidance from his children on relationships.
I learned that it is inappropriate for a parent to SNEAK across the street to have sex with the sixty year old neighbor, leaving their child alone only three months after their spouse/parent died (detachment/neglect). HELL even expressed feeling guilty, but his disregard for others, inability to set appropriate limits or delay having his needs met were ignored. He went ahead without conscience or remorse.
I learned that the constant crisis and drama present is predominately dysfunctional and extremely unhealthy family system (histrionic/borderline/enmeshed).
I learned that no doubt, HELL's relationships will continue to be those where he will attempt to control and project his inadequacies, maintaining his victim and his rampant narcissistic behavior. He will have inappropriate relationships that he will attempt to rationalize and make excuses for, believing his justification for his inappropriate actions are adequate. Others may have reservations or question his behavior, only to be coerced by his relentless excuses. However, this is where his victims need to have a clear mind and know the reality. A questionable or inappropriate relationship, is most likely inappropriate. When we first met, he mentioned that his mother was trying to fix him up with her friend. INAPPROPRIATE!! A family relation is a family relation... get a clue! I would also be leary of the consenting party that is willing to engage in that scenario as well. EWWWWWWW!
I learned that I made excuses for HELL's behavior because I believed his stories of betrayal, hurt, abandonment and victimization by everyone in his life. The truth was that the stories were about himself and that he projected his anger and resentment onto me. HELL is a perpetrator, not a victim.
I know that HELL did not have the coping skills or ability to communicate his needs, making assumptions of how I “should” (judgment) know what his needs were. HELL stated to me that he was “hoping I would change.” How could someone say "I love you" and "I was hoping you would change" in the same sentence. This message articulated his need to control, his low self-esteem, and his anger and resentment. This was projected onto me with his abusive behavior.
I learned that I should have listened closer to the gratitude other family expressed for living so far from the drama and chaos.
I learned that the passive aggressive abuser inevitably fails to keep his word and appear or act as though he is going to great lengths to follow through with plans. However, the passive aggressive abuser will have you doing all the work. This became evident as HELL would take property from my home for his own use or benefit, and actively participate and encourage the refinance of my home. However HELL failed to keep his word, never following through or preparing his own home to sell and calously allowed me to suffer great financial loss. He basically lied and did not follow through with commitments he anxiously agreed to. HELL is selfish and lazy.
I learned that I could no longer be the "whipping boy" for HELL's anger and resentment. The final boundary my HELL crossed was the hurtfulness that involved my son. The sheer emotional torture my abuser inflicted kept increasing, and I could no longer endure his hurtfulness. My therapist has indicated on several occasions that the trauma I endured because of HELL's abuse has a recurrent impact on me that indicates Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I learned when his daughter stated to me, using great emphasis, that HELL was a very “passive” man, “very passive,” was another warning I did not listen to.
I learned that my abuser's expressed hatred for his father, even before I even met him, was certainly a big red flag that I should have been alarmed as again, he was attempting to control, using more splitting behavior.
I know that it was not only disrespectful, but odd and inappropriate that HELL had a need to keep his cell phone close by his side, activated and ready to answer while we had sex (control).
Imagine, these horrible and disrespectful behaviors inflicted on you.
I learned that HELL had an overwhelming need to control, expressing his anxiety when he was at my house and away his home. This was another BIG red flag. I sense he most certainly will not venture far, attempting to create a "normal" more complacent appearance. HELL expressed wanting a different life, yet he could not mold me to the model that was comfortable. Rest assured, he will find that complacency by finding another to purge his pain.
I learned that it is highly inappropriate for a father to buy their daughter a gift or even a gift card from Victoria’s Secret. EWWWWWWWW!!
I learned that having to have TWO surgeries, due to having precancerous cells, after my intimate encounters with HELL was another big sign. During the first surgery, I was heavily sedated and I did not recognize my abuser when he attempted to kiss me, as they wheeled me away into the operating room. When I awoke, the very first thing my abuser expressed was his anger at me not recognizing him. I had just had my cervix cut out of me and that was the first thing he would say to me. When I told him that I had to have a second surgery, he ignored me and never responded. My fiance, the man I would marry is no doubt A TRUE abuser and sick man.
I learned that my failure to set firmer boundaries and higher expectations of what I should have required from my abuser enabled him to continue his coercive behavior. When I did require expectations, asking my abuser to be considerate by telephoning me, he accused me of "keeping tabs" on him, and then the abuse escalated. My abuser could not tolerate any boundaries and was intolerant towards postponing getting his needs met. He even went so far as to underhandedly look for a condominium to purchase, neglecting to discuss it with me, during a time when I asked him that we slow our plans to move, as he was overwhelming me with his impatience.
I learned that I should have questioned further why my abuser has never established friendships or have a history of establishing any close friendships. Of course he had several excuses ("we moved a lot," "I was married")
I learned that my body was telling me over and over that there was something wrong. I began to have stomach pains and headaches on a continual basis, because deep down, I knew that there was something gravely wrong with HELL. When HELL told me that he had a brother with schizophrenia, I understood why I was seeing so many of the same symptoms, behaviors and responses by HELL, as the genetic and familial implications were so clearly evident. This also validated my concerns about the schizoid behaviors and traits I was witness to, and it later explained the narcissism and borderline behavior. HELL was hyper-vigilant, reacting to noises on my computer and my clothes dryer. He was also paranoid, accusing me of cheating because of the noises from my computer. HELL also had a secret, one I questioned and posed the possibility of the emotional pain it could cause. So when his daughter stated that HELL would never take his shirt off, knowing his secret, I had to cover up what I knew about HELL. Nothing but lies and secrets, drama and chaos.
I learned that dependency is a normal part of healthy relationships; however, it is not appropriate when I am coerced or devalued. HELL was constantly dramatic and accused me by stating “you weren’t there for me,” when he was not feeling well. He even went so far to take a photo of himself and sent it to my cell phone. I had offered to leave work to take him to the doctor. He indicated to me that "urgent care" would not be open until the afternoon. Although I stated to him that I would leave my job from downtown and drive the 40 miles to his house and take him another 30 miles to his doctor and back home, and then drive another 25 miles back to my home, I asked to see if his child could drive him, since he was out of school and a few minutes from his house. I also stated to let me know if he really needed me, and I would come. He never called me back and at the end of the day I called him and he stated that he drove himself to the doctor, and that "it was bad, really bad." By the end of the week, when HELL came over to my house, the first thing he did was sit on my couch and exclaim "you weren't there for me." At first I thought I was seeing a five year old child having a temper tantrum. However, I realized that this was another way for my abuser to bring chaos and drama into my life. He conveniently left out that fact that I stated to call if he really needed me, and the fact that he would have me leave my job, the job that would pay half the mortgage on our house and put a roof over the head of his children, rather than request his son drive him to the doctor, truly showed me the degree of control and hurtfulness my abuser possessed. This was his opportunity to once again, be a victim, a martyr, and bring drama and chaos into my life and seek power and control.
I learned that when HELL told me his mother had the expectation that he “should” know she is sick and she “shouldn’t” have to call and ask for help was the same histrionic, chaotic, unrealistic, borderline behavior that I would see later with my abuser. I sometimes have to shake myself to look at the reality of the family dynamics, reminding myself that his mother would move HELL's partially blind mother-in-law in with her, and shortly after, request she move out because she "felt like a prisoner in her own home." I am curious as to what she was thinking when she made the decision to share her home, and the responsibility it might entail. However, she suddenly became the victim of a partially blind woman, "a prisoner in her own home." This was just like my abuser telling me all the things HE had to do when his wife became ill, never articulating any compassion or care for her suffering a terminal illness. Suddenly, he was the victim as well, telling me all HE had to do while she was ill. He even went so far as to state the he "wished it was he that got sick" so he could get out of his marriage. This is clearly someone that does not exhibit any compassion, caring or remorse. This is sociopath behavior.
I learned that I should have listened closer to the family messages indicating that his late wife was a "Saint” or when her sister stated “she would have never left you,” or at the wedding of his late wife's nephew, when a family member said “this is the most I’ve heard him talk in over twenty years.” I learned that when I heard “she would have never left you,” may have very well acknowledged there was already an abusive cycle the family was aware of.
I learned the night my abuser quietly snuck out of my house, when he was childishly mad because he didn’t get attention was an absolutely HUGE, HUGE red flag of the maturity and level of emotional development I was dealing with. I acknowledge and know now just how sick that behavior was.
I learned that when someone tells me that their family members are having knife fights in their homes at 2 am, I need to stop, be alarmed and evaluate my relationship. (This clearly indicates dangerous, aggressive, and alarming out of control behavior and a BIG red flag that I should be fearful)
I learned that HELL's need for control, even in therapy, would explain why he never followed up with the help he so desperately stated he wanted for us. It most surely explains that he had managed to blur the boundaries of his therapeutic relationship and preventing any communication with me. Most interesting, that although he stated he wanted to change, he remains the same. I learned through my own difficult work that my abuser does not have the insight or capacity to acknowledge his dysfunction; his inappropriate relationships and behaviors, delusional thinking, paranoia, victim role, jealously, anger, resentment, lying, and hurtfulness is who he is.
I believed with all my heart and soul that HELL would NEVER hurt me, giving every ounce of loyalty, trust, commitment and love to this man. Can you imagine loving someone that would inflict such grave emotional damage on anyone? Can you imagine?
Having a relationship with someone with these schizoid, borderline and narcissistic characteristics and traits, is what I had suspected from the start. However, I desperately, in my codependent way, tried to give this man every benefit of the doubt, only to find out that the likelihood that my hope that the man my abuser promised me he was, was just another one of his delusions. I had "been had." The "poker face" remained, never animated, never giving a clue to who he was, or his state of well being. The "poker face" was easily "the con."
Remembering that a "pickle will always be a pickle" does not mean that it will EVER be a cucumber. Narcissists are the shifty car dealers you avoid, because you fearing you will be coerced into buying the lemon. HELL is certainly the BIGGEST lemon one could ever encounter.
Why your man is angry or mad at you in truth has very little, if anything, to do with you. You, to him, represent a figure of someone from his past. He has taken all of his frustrations - the emotional trauma he endured, the pain, neglect, abandonment, and betrayal that he has experienced at the hands of someone who should have loved him and turned that rage onto the person (you) who has chosen to love him.
If you are anything like me, you want to stay around and save him, right? You know that he needs someone to love him, someone who understands him and who can handle his mood swings and you believe that you are that person. You love him even though he has treated you like scrap more times than you care to remember.
It's sad to see someone we love suffer from some emotional baggage that is sucking the life from them and there is little we can do to help. But what is even more troubling is our willingness to be apart of their victimization by allowing them to victimize us on a routine bases.
There is a way out... there is always a way out of misery and despair. First, it begins with you deciding today that you have had enough and that the life you want for yourself will be better than the life you now know. You, just like your partner, must come face to face with the reality of who you are in your essence.
You, just like the person you want to save, will hopefully come to know that you were given this life, as an expression of celebration by your Creator. You were born loved, worthy, and understood before you were taught self doubt, lack, and unworthiness by another.
When someone loves you, you'll know it.
It doesn't come disguised in insults and actions that are incompatible with goodness and right action.
I can never sacrifice the essence of myself to be loved by someone who probably doesn't know love themselves.
I deserve to be happy, healthy, and free, not living a miserable existence under the control of a man who has no control over his emotions.
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
“I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.”
—Milton Berle
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