It's a saddening and shameful thought that the next woman has begun her cycle of abuse with my abuser. The honeymoon is so sweet, so unbelievably perfect and the thoughtful flowers, a cheap weekend trip and the trivial endearments have already swept my abuser's next victim into the abyss of sheer delight. Patiently, quietly, and as sure as the sun will shine, when the time is right and my abuser has gained his victim's trust and adoration, the table will slowly turn. The rope will tighten and the noose will be placed so gently that she will never notice. It starts with little remarks, ways he attempts to elevate his esteem. Whether he elaborates on his sexual encounters or your fabricated inadequacies, he will make you believe that he has been wanted by many and had by few. Since she will never question his motives, because "he loves me," she would never think about why would he need to visit a strip club for an occasional lap dance, masturbate daily or hide porn tapes in his work vehicle if there were women at his disposal. That is when he will begin to confuse her, question her genuineness, loyalty and love. That is when he will begin to unload the pain of his past on her. Low and behold, the moment she resists, questioning his motives, the noose will tighten, thrusting her further into the vortex, spinning into greater confusion, thinking "he loves me," until she believes his delusions and questions her own essence.
Please save yourself the pain and run now.
This is what happens when there is a predisposition genetically and an environment that creates an abuser. Not only was my abuser predispositioned to personality issues, that vulnerability was impacted by so many early childhood traumatic experiences, like his father leaving or the morning he woke to find his grandmother dead, that his "latching on" and quickness to fall in love is part of his abusive pattern, it is his personality. It is who he has become. It is who he is. This is also evidenced by his inability to understand metaphors, acronyms and analogies, as his "black and white thinking" made it difficult for him to connect abstract to his concrete world. Yet, because he appears "seemingly normal," the inappropriateness and latent coping skills are not apparent until you've found yourself at the bottom of the barrel. Then, when you begin to question yourself and recognize that you are not the person that you were when you entered this relationship, it suddenly becomes clear that you've been the victim of an emotional shark, an abuser attempting to rape you for the beautiful woman you've become and all the gifts and talents you share with the world.
I often question myself as to how his late wife managed to stay with this man, but as a mother myself, I also understand that we would do anything to provide for our children. Knowing that years prior to having children, my abuser told me he and his spouse connected with many years that they engaged in daily marijuana and frequent alcohol use. This was evidence of being "absent" from oneself and avoidant of the realities of dealing with relationships and learning to develop true intimacy.
One day at my abuser's home, he opened the kitchen cupboard and there was a mass of different types of alcohol stored in the cabinet. My eyes widened, and my abuser quickly responded, stating that it was "hers." This was just more of what he had not resolved, what he had not kept private, what he had not respected in a manner that would preserve his late wife's dignity. I know now that a man of character would have protected her memory and not have pointed the finger at his deceased wife, the mother of his children. Yet, laying blame was his knee jerk response to any and all events where he felt threatened or challenged.
I remember having a discussion with my abuser and what comes to the forefront of that event is not even the topic, it is the response of my abuser stating "it's not my fault!" The fact that it was a discussion and the response was so out of context, so child like, that once again, I thought I was talking to a five year old. This is because his ego is so underdeveloped that ANY perceived perception of being challenged or threatened, my abuser would divert the responsibility, withdraw, become the victim, and later passively abuse his victim. In addition, all the while he is seeking validation for the chaos he created and will split with whomever will help make sense of his external world. However, this is just one more clue of how chaotic my abuser's internal world is, as he attempts to project all his pain on everyone else.
I was meeting with a colleague/friend the other day, who asked me about what had happened to my broken engagement. After explaining to her the dynamics and after all the money lost, broken promises, inappropriate behaviors, she immediately responded "schizoid." Again, such a relief to hear from my colleague, as I explained to her that immediately after, another friend and clinician said to me that I was being abused. I told her how at the time, I could not believe what I was hearing and I never thought that I would have to spend over a year and a half in therapy trying to understand what happened to me. My colleague made it crystal clear to me. She said "that it is not unusual for a year to pass until you are able to see and understand someone with severe personality issues." "Even as professionals", she said "we often don't see it in our clients until a year later." "That is because we have to get to know them." She further went on and stated that "even with all of our experience and training, it is not unusual for us to be taken in as well." So, when she learned how I had lost so much money, how I had refinanced my home, changed phone plans because we were going to be on the "family plan," and all the repercussions from the finances alone, she could not believe it. I had "been had" by a very sick man.
Sadly, because of my abuser's early life trauma and abuse and never having the emotional support he needed to manage these events, my abuser spent his life navigating the world and figuring out how to get his needs met in unhealthy ways. Even more tragic is that never working through trauma or abuse prevents emotional development, resulting in primitive coping skills and child like behavior. For example, my abuser use to tell me that he and his late wife use to call one another vulgar names. This is child like behavior. Even more devastating is that unprocessed trauma prevents one developing into the person they were meant to be in this life. The "good soul" I had asked G-d to bring, would never emerge from this man.
In my fleeting thoughts, I can only pray that someday my abuser might know who he was meant to be in this life. Other than that, every day, I release all the negativity, anger, hurt, resentment, fear, illness, pain, heartache, tears, toxins, and all harmful feelings that dishonored my freedom, and overwhelmed my life for the past three years. I will not allow anyone to abuse me, even when they “say I love you.” That is the “devil” in disguise. Like the disease, you are cut from my heart and cut from draining my life of all kindness, caring, love and successes I bring into the world. These gifts are not to be taken advantage of, as I am a beautiful, kind and loving soul who deserves more. I will not settle and allow anyone to bring their hurtfulness, anger and pain into my life, so that they may feel better about themselves.
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