Many of us ended up in relationships with a narcissist because, in the beginning, our partners held up a false front. Many of us felt or thought that we had met our soul mate; found the perfect partner; met that one special person in the universe. It's no surprise that we can fall in love with someone like this!
Later, usually after we've made a binding commitment like marriage, or sometimes after children being born, a job change, or other major life changes, our narcissist partner shows a completely different side. The person who was once perfect now can become angry, demeaning, demanding, and harshly critical. From someone we have deep feelings for, these actions are brutal. Yet we may still have strong feelings of love pulling us to that person. Talk about being torn! At some point, many of us realize this situation needs to change, but feelings are not chosen. How can you overcome the love that pulls you to a narcissist who is abusing you? While you can't turn those feelings off like a switch, you can learn to understand where those feelings come from, and how our minds create them, and then set the stage for new feelings to develop - hopefully toward someone who's better for us. Narcissists, like all disordered people, aren't just hurtful. They also spin our reality to make theirs less painful. They project their problems onto us, and blame us for what they do. After a while it becomes hard to distinguish what is real from what is being projected and what is being distorted. We begin to doubt our reality and question whether we're the crazy ones. What's more, narcissists hide their problems very effectively, concealing their disease from most people, causing us further confusion. The truth is, THEY'RE NOT RIGHT. But they feel better when they can get us to carry the burden of their illness and their behavior. Abusive partners constantly work to distort our perception of what is happening and what is right and wrong, until we doubt our own judgment so much we can't make decisions. It then addresses the process of detaching to find safe space and to regain a sense of right and wrong, and searching to understand what we, as people, need in our lives - needs that often must be simply put aside to survive in these brutal situations. It deals with love, and the conflict of being in love with someone hurtful to us.
Richard Skerritt
Say no to Narcissism "Pathological narcissism pervades every facet of the personality, every behavior, every cognition, and every emotion. This makes it difficult to treat. Add to this the narcissist's unthinking and deeply ingrained resistance to authority figures, such as therapists and healing, or even mere behavior modification, are rendered unattainable." - Sam Vaknin
Narcissistic personality characteristics
Rigid, inflexible thinking - Anyone with a different approach is seen as personally attacking the narcissist. Rules rule, and some narcissists get inappropriately angry when they see little things, like grammar errors. They also overreact to the mildest criticism.
Cannot be wrong - The narcissist is never, ever wrong, and cannot accept responsibility for making a mistake, usually diverting the blame to others - ("It's not my fault. I lost that promotion because my team let me down").
Arrogant, boastful and pretentious - These are people with stupid/fake certificates and awards on their walls, the kind of people who exaggerate their accomplishments or use inflated job titles like "Engineer, Physicist" in their resume's.
Aggressive responses to criticism - ("How dare he criticize me? That lying bastard, I swear I'll get even, if it takes years"). This essay notes that it especially difficult to do anything critical with the narcissist because they see the criticism as a threat to their self, making them great fun during job performance reviews:
"Since the narcissist is incapable of asserting his or her own sense of adequacy, the narcissist seeks to be admired by others. However, the narcissist’s extremely fragile sense of self worth does not allow him or her to risk any criticism." Don Burleson-Blog
Later, usually after we've made a binding commitment like marriage, or sometimes after children being born, a job change, or other major life changes, our narcissist partner shows a completely different side. The person who was once perfect now can become angry, demeaning, demanding, and harshly critical. From someone we have deep feelings for, these actions are brutal. Yet we may still have strong feelings of love pulling us to that person. Talk about being torn! At some point, many of us realize this situation needs to change, but feelings are not chosen. How can you overcome the love that pulls you to a narcissist who is abusing you? While you can't turn those feelings off like a switch, you can learn to understand where those feelings come from, and how our minds create them, and then set the stage for new feelings to develop - hopefully toward someone who's better for us. Narcissists, like all disordered people, aren't just hurtful. They also spin our reality to make theirs less painful. They project their problems onto us, and blame us for what they do. After a while it becomes hard to distinguish what is real from what is being projected and what is being distorted. We begin to doubt our reality and question whether we're the crazy ones. What's more, narcissists hide their problems very effectively, concealing their disease from most people, causing us further confusion. The truth is, THEY'RE NOT RIGHT. But they feel better when they can get us to carry the burden of their illness and their behavior. Abusive partners constantly work to distort our perception of what is happening and what is right and wrong, until we doubt our own judgment so much we can't make decisions. It then addresses the process of detaching to find safe space and to regain a sense of right and wrong, and searching to understand what we, as people, need in our lives - needs that often must be simply put aside to survive in these brutal situations. It deals with love, and the conflict of being in love with someone hurtful to us.
Richard Skerritt
Say no to Narcissism "Pathological narcissism pervades every facet of the personality, every behavior, every cognition, and every emotion. This makes it difficult to treat. Add to this the narcissist's unthinking and deeply ingrained resistance to authority figures, such as therapists and healing, or even mere behavior modification, are rendered unattainable." - Sam Vaknin
Narcissistic personality characteristics
Rigid, inflexible thinking - Anyone with a different approach is seen as personally attacking the narcissist. Rules rule, and some narcissists get inappropriately angry when they see little things, like grammar errors. They also overreact to the mildest criticism.
Cannot be wrong - The narcissist is never, ever wrong, and cannot accept responsibility for making a mistake, usually diverting the blame to others - ("It's not my fault. I lost that promotion because my team let me down").
Arrogant, boastful and pretentious - These are people with stupid/fake certificates and awards on their walls, the kind of people who exaggerate their accomplishments or use inflated job titles like "Engineer, Physicist" in their resume's.
Aggressive responses to criticism - ("How dare he criticize me? That lying bastard, I swear I'll get even, if it takes years"). This essay notes that it especially difficult to do anything critical with the narcissist because they see the criticism as a threat to their self, making them great fun during job performance reviews:
"Since the narcissist is incapable of asserting his or her own sense of adequacy, the narcissist seeks to be admired by others. However, the narcissist’s extremely fragile sense of self worth does not allow him or her to risk any criticism." Don Burleson-Blog
