When suffering shatters the carefully kept vase that is our lives, God stoops to pick up the pieces. But He doesn't put them back together as a restoration project patterned after our former selves. Instead, He sifts through the rubble and selects some of the shards as raw material for another project - a mosaic that tells the story of redemption.
~Ken Gire
Oh, I am laughing, rejoicing, and snickering, just thinking about the ignorance of my abuser. Once I finally was able to regain my ground and get out of the vortex that he threw me into, it is so crystal clear how very sadly and extremely ill this man is. I am thankful every day that I did not stay in the cycle of his abuse and that I finally had the ability to recognize that something was very wrong with him.
Since I have been working with professionals, to process the trauma and the physical, emotional, financial, spiritual, moral and ethical compromise that I subjected myself to, by being with this man, I have begun to have overwhelming gratitude for being who I am and for the process of recovery.
For one, I have realized the value of my worth and that I had compromised myself by not placing a higher standard for a partner worthy of me. Second, I will NEVER, EVER question my instincts, EVER again. I saw the RED FLAGS at the door step, from the moment I met this man. His mood, affect, social skills, cognition, ALL raised red flags. At our very FIRST meeting, the red flags were waving and I even addressed them with a colleague at work, but I swept them under the rug.
I have learned that my intuition is generally correct, but because I have relied on others to be the judge, rather than follow my own intuition, I have repeatedly learned not to trust myself. This was my own misconception about myself. I have learned that my perceptions of others are generally correct, as every time I doubt myself, I prove myself wrong.
Most recently, I did learn that because my abuser would really go to any length to be controlling, that this also extended into this therapeutic relationship. The fact is, he had NO intention of ever engaging in therapy with me, even after I gave him referrals to follow up with. In addition, he did tell me some negative things that transpired with his therapist, and because he is such a narcissist, I don't think he realized the possible repercussions of what he was saying to me. These were concerns that could impact the legal & ethical practice of his therapist.
As a therapist myself, my abuser apparently thought that he knew more than I did about the therapeutic relationship and the legal and ethical practices of therapists. Perhaps he thought I would not question what he was telling me. This CLEARLY brought more light to the personality issues of my abuser. I was only able to identify this after I was out of his control, out of his vortex. Not only did I see more of my abuser's need for control, but he would do it by any means. This meant he was lying.
In addition, not only was in lying in his therapy, as to whether I would participate, because ethically, his therapist would have referred us out to another therapist, but the information he relayed to me about this therapy would also compromise his therapist. He clearly has NO conscience, morals, as to whom he would compromise, another clear example of his personality issues and sickness. For a long time, I had struggled, wondering why would his therapist would be giving unethical advice or directions or do things that I knew were not legal practice.
Even my own professional support expressed concerns.
Finally, it became clear that the credibility of my abuser was that of dishonesty and delusional thinking and he really would not have an ounce of concern over who he would compromise, as long as his needs were met, as long as his narcissistic needs were filled. Everyone to him is disposable. Hence, NO friends.
It is really fascinating how a life of compromising and making excuses for these questions seems to have apparently appeared to have become "normal." However, he has well rehearsed the answers to every question of "abnormal" you may have, in order to "normalize" his situation and make his abnormal situation normal. Here is a clue to you that NO normal answer makes an ABNORMAL behavior, situation, dialogue, perception or response NORMAL. YOU, wanting to believe that it goes together is just as ABNORMAL. So, when EVERYONE gets the funny joke and HE doesn't, that's NOT normal. If EVERY time he says "I didn't hear it" and you know there is NOTHING wrong with his hearing, that is NOT normal.
This is who he is. It is not funny. He is dangerous. I am grateful to be free.
Somehow, this has become a favorite quote~and I don't wonder why.
W.G. Benham
When you see a snake, never mind where he came from.
This man IS the great pretender...pretending he is doing well
His need is such he pretends too much
He is lonely but no one can tell
YES, he is the great pretender...adrift in a world of his own
He plays the game but to his shame he is left to dream all alone
Living in his dream of his own make-believe
Pretending his behavior hid the madness he revealed
YES, he is the great pretender, and he seems to be NOT what you see
NO heart to wear like a crown...NO real feelings....
He plays the game but to his shame he is left to dream all alone
