It doesn't matter how loyal you are. Loyalty is the Achilles heel for an abuser. It is the very attribute that guarantees your abuser that you will always be available to take on the task of all his anger and pain It is the very attribute that will lead you to abandoning the most important person in your life.
For some, believing that loyalty is an admirable attribute is a realistic quality to aspire. However, loyalty has a price and in the instance of dealing with an abuser, no doubt you will become the perfect subject to victimize. Unfortunately, a "fiercely loyal" partner is a codependent one. To aspire with conviction such dedication towards loyalty so "fiercely," suggests that such determination will never be swayed. Yet, when all is in order, there is also another side to this "black and white" thinking. At what price will you pay to remain in your stance and be "fiercely loyal" to someone that does not have the capacity to honor you at all? No doubt, the abuser will specifically seek you out, because you are the one that has the "fierce" determination to to aspire to loyalty, as the belief is that it comes with dignity and honor, only to be masked by his continual degradation. Sadly, all the "fierce" determination in the world will not help you keep your dignity and honor. The fact that you've consented to embark on his journey is the sign that you've been successfully entwined and groomed into believing in the dream he's already created for you, as he consents to everything you desire. In time, you will continue to be sadly disappointed, but your "fierceness" will prevail to keep you loyal at all costs. How long will your "fierceness" endure the heartache? How long will your "fierceness" endure the pain? How long will you be "fierce" and hold on to all the blame? No matter what you do, he is an abuser and you, with your loyalty, and all your "fierceness" cannot fix him. That passion, that determination, that striving for allegiance is better spent on oneself because all the while you have committed yourself to being "fiercely loyal" you've abandoned the most important person in your relationship.... YOU.
"Fiercely loyal" is detachment from oneself and codependent, the perfect fitting glove for the person who has promised to love you, your abuser. So, when you think about how loyal and dedicated you are, with all your "fierceness" and conviction; remember, the price of your "fiercely loyal" attributes will be the price of your pain.
Talk about six degrees of separation...
Everything eventually comes full circle. If you think that there is no possibility of someone finding you, think again. As I've matured, I've come to notice just how interconnected we are to one another and the possibility of leaving behind those unpleasant moments in our lives, ones we would have rather not lived or remember, will certainly resurface again.
When you've experienced an unpleasant person or situation, making peace with that moment is an important part of that experience. I KNOW unequivocally every single moment that I shared with my abuser and every implication of coercive abuse I experienced. I have spent the better portion of almost two years understanding the pattern and learning more about myself in a way that most people are fearful of delving into over their life time. Moreover, it is not about the hurtfulness of what my abuser did to me, it is that I acknowledge what I allowed this very ill man to do to me.
He is who he is, sick as he may be, searching for a band aid to heal the wounds of the tumultuous life he experienced. The band aid is finding a woman that might bring some "normalcy" into his life, someone to focus on and divert the pain. I remember my abuser stating to me that "I knew I would find someone," as if he was looking for another brand of paper towels. Someone, was anyone that would fill the void, the vacancy and absence of the woman that came before me. It was literally as if he held a flashing vacancy sign. The need to fill that hole in himself was something that again, would be temporary, and eventually the pain will come full circle into the next relationship and resurface. I became the object, the band aid that he would attempt to live his life through and purge all the pain that he is emotionally immature to tolerate. Setting limits and boundaries was more than he could tolerate, as it stifled his ability to control and continue to make me responsible for all the pain in his life. That is not loving someone.
To really look introspectively and bare the wounds that need to be healed, one needs to have the insight that a band aid will not heal that pain, and covering it up with the next "someone or anyone" will certainly bring more chaos and drama. Continuing to go from relationship to relationship, searching for the band aid that will stick, just long enough to be groomed and integrated into a cycle of abuse is how my abuser has escaped from his pain. Since my abuser has not looked that introspectively into himself, he has NO insight about his pattern. One cannot move forward in a healthy way without being insightful.
I also noticed how this also continued into his therapeutic relationship, as he had split with his therapist. Initially, he requested that we engage in therapy. I consented, only to find that he never followed up on the referrals I gave him. He even stated to me that "therapy would not help" and articulated that his therapist said that "the relationship would not work." NO ethical therapist would articulate that message, but splitting with his therapist gave him control over what he could not tolerate. So, the band aid he received was just enough "grief therapy" to touch the surface, so he could continue to function. However, we all know that when we fall down and scrape our knee, a lollipop or cookie is just another way to divert oneself from the pain. Making peace with our pain cannot happen without insight. My abuser lacks the insight. How do I know this? If my abuser had insight, he would have been able to acknowledge that his behavior was unkind, inappropriate, and abusive to another human being. He would have been humble, kind and loving and be willing to embrace being open to "doing better and being better."
As I have come in touch with many friends, I have come to know how interconnected these connections are by acquaintance, relation or friendship to one another. There is always some six degrees of separation, acknowledgment or network of people that know one another. This recurrence of interconnectedness also touches my abuser. So to say there are NO MORE SECRETS is an understatement. ABUSE is NEVER a SECRET and for my abuser to ever think that what others deny, fail to see or continue to protect him from, will never come full circle, just continues to feed his delusion. The secrets have resurfaced.
I have made peace in knowing that NO ONE will ever abuse me again. I am an abuse survivor.
When you've experienced an unpleasant person or situation, making peace with that moment is an important part of that experience. I KNOW unequivocally every single moment that I shared with my abuser and every implication of coercive abuse I experienced. I have spent the better portion of almost two years understanding the pattern and learning more about myself in a way that most people are fearful of delving into over their life time. Moreover, it is not about the hurtfulness of what my abuser did to me, it is that I acknowledge what I allowed this very ill man to do to me.
He is who he is, sick as he may be, searching for a band aid to heal the wounds of the tumultuous life he experienced. The band aid is finding a woman that might bring some "normalcy" into his life, someone to focus on and divert the pain. I remember my abuser stating to me that "I knew I would find someone," as if he was looking for another brand of paper towels. Someone, was anyone that would fill the void, the vacancy and absence of the woman that came before me. It was literally as if he held a flashing vacancy sign. The need to fill that hole in himself was something that again, would be temporary, and eventually the pain will come full circle into the next relationship and resurface. I became the object, the band aid that he would attempt to live his life through and purge all the pain that he is emotionally immature to tolerate. Setting limits and boundaries was more than he could tolerate, as it stifled his ability to control and continue to make me responsible for all the pain in his life. That is not loving someone.
To really look introspectively and bare the wounds that need to be healed, one needs to have the insight that a band aid will not heal that pain, and covering it up with the next "someone or anyone" will certainly bring more chaos and drama. Continuing to go from relationship to relationship, searching for the band aid that will stick, just long enough to be groomed and integrated into a cycle of abuse is how my abuser has escaped from his pain. Since my abuser has not looked that introspectively into himself, he has NO insight about his pattern. One cannot move forward in a healthy way without being insightful.
I also noticed how this also continued into his therapeutic relationship, as he had split with his therapist. Initially, he requested that we engage in therapy. I consented, only to find that he never followed up on the referrals I gave him. He even stated to me that "therapy would not help" and articulated that his therapist said that "the relationship would not work." NO ethical therapist would articulate that message, but splitting with his therapist gave him control over what he could not tolerate. So, the band aid he received was just enough "grief therapy" to touch the surface, so he could continue to function. However, we all know that when we fall down and scrape our knee, a lollipop or cookie is just another way to divert oneself from the pain. Making peace with our pain cannot happen without insight. My abuser lacks the insight. How do I know this? If my abuser had insight, he would have been able to acknowledge that his behavior was unkind, inappropriate, and abusive to another human being. He would have been humble, kind and loving and be willing to embrace being open to "doing better and being better."
As I have come in touch with many friends, I have come to know how interconnected these connections are by acquaintance, relation or friendship to one another. There is always some six degrees of separation, acknowledgment or network of people that know one another. This recurrence of interconnectedness also touches my abuser. So to say there are NO MORE SECRETS is an understatement. ABUSE is NEVER a SECRET and for my abuser to ever think that what others deny, fail to see or continue to protect him from, will never come full circle, just continues to feed his delusion. The secrets have resurfaced.
I have made peace in knowing that NO ONE will ever abuse me again. I am an abuse survivor.
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