All I asked God for was a good soul....

I have learned so much about myself from this relationship and know that my initial instincts should have been listened to. From the start, seeing the signs and behaviors that were strange, odd and inappropriate, and from the feedback I received from work in group and individual therapy, in addition to my friends, family, colleagues and other professionals; I had allowed myself to be compromised by a man that is not only emotionally detached, but suffers from a multitude of personality issues which prevent him from having intimacy or healthy relationships. I also KNOW that his vulnerabilities were projected onto me, looking for his own relief of what he could not deal with.

I am not callous, insensitive or unkind. In fact, I am contrary to that in every way. I now acknowledge the truth, the facts and tell the secret, the reality of what is. I am no longer in DENIAL, nor will propose to feed into anyone else's denial. It is as black and white as my abuser. It has just been so difficult to imagine, as most people believe that no one could lead a healthy life and be so concrete, so black and white, good and bad. The truth is NO ONE can lead a healthy life and have these attributes. Life and relationships are to be navigated, through confrontation, negotiation and agreements. Unfortunately, my abuser was unable to integrate these tasks into his schema, resulting in such poor ego strengths that he was/is abusive.

This is NOT something that will change, and because of his lack of insight , he continues to detach and from intimacy and is abusive and hurtful. This is who he is and no matter who he attempts to bring into his life, the result will be the same. I use to say that it always felt as though he was "filling a vacancy" after his wife died, which is exactly what he needs to do, in order to project the pain he carries.

I also learned that genetically, since he has a brother with schizophrenia, the likelihood of other family members with "schizophrenic features" is common, more often than not. With that, it includes a multitude of personality issues and the probability of major difficulties with in a variety of settings. That includes interpersonal relationships.

Sometimes, I stop myself and have to take deep breaths, as I still suffer the heartbreak of his illness and the deception that came with it, I hurt over someone that never existed. I am saddened when I think of a family in denial, and the secrets. They have their own dreams of a friend, a brother, a son and a father. Those dreams are what anyone would long for, just as I had longed for the man that that said he was so in love with me. I imagine how difficult it is for my abuser, to not know who you truly are and to try to fulfill everyone's dream and fantasy of what they hoped for. That is so laboring, tiring and sad.

Yet, I know that I deserve better and that I deserve to have a man who is not struggling in his middle age to be fighting with who is, who he became. Just as my abuser said to me, one day, when he came to visit that "his kids come first." It was an honorable statement, and one I believe as well. However, he made this statement when I had challenged him about plans we had the following weekend and he rudely and disrespectfully diverted any accountability and responsibility of acknowledging his thoughtlessness. Instead, my abuser, my fiance, childishly reprimanded me and stated "my kids come first, attempting to divert his rudeness to me. At the time, he made me feel bad for something which I had NOTHING to feel bad for. Yet, he would use every excuse in the world to avoid accountability at all costs. Even if it meant hurting the person he said he loved.

Ultimately, when the time came for my son to graduate college, he also diverted honoring him and in his hurtfulness exclaimed that his son was graduating too. I had no reservations about the celebration of his son's achievement and in fact, I had proposed several celebration ideas and had started to scan pictures for a poster I was hoping we'd present him. Nevertheless, I realized that no one came first but my abuser. Since I believed that my child would come first, there was no way in hell that I would let my abuser's hurtfulness start to flow to my son. His actions were probably as low and ruthless as anyone could be. Then, I have to stop myself and realize that HE IS CRAZY! I know it sounds like a horrible thing to say, that he is "crazy," but knowing the chaos and drama he brought into my life could only be done by someone entirely "out of sorts." No healthy person would ever behave that way, further evidence that this man lacks insight and unfortunately, that person "out of sorts" is who he is. That is why he has NO friends. He is schizoid (this is a clinical DSM IV diagnosis, which, by the way, I AM QUALIFIED to make! ).

So NOW, all of the energy spent investigating his truthfulness or lack thereof is now focused on my spiritual balance + security of emotion. Wasting my energy to understand my abuser is insignificant. I have understood my abuser the entire time, it is now that I have made the decision to acknowledge what I chose not to see. That is part of what my fiancé has chosen to be, an abuser, and that is who he is.

Despite finally acknowledging my fiance's abusive nature, there still is a deep bruise of betrayal in my heart. That is the bruise of being sucked into my abusers delusion and believing he was something he could never be in this lifetime. If it was not me, it would be someone else... and no doubt, it will be the next... it will be the loss of one more hope, aspiration and future. To think, all I asked God for was a good soul. What are the chances his next encounter will be so gracious?

My comfort + happiness is the priority. The energy I give to my comfort and happiness will attract what I deserve..... someone who treasures me beyond all others.

My heart.... it is full of love waiting to unite with someone who deserves me.

Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves. - Walter Anderson

HELL- His Emotional Torture and also his NAME...

How did all of this happen? I’ve learned that by not having greater value and respect for myself, I allowed my abuser (HELL) to bring his pain and hurt that he carried into my life. No matter how much I loved, the extent of my pain being a sign of how much I have loved, HELL would never welcome and receive my love as the gift it was meant to be. I brought so many wonderful gifts to the relationship, and placed myself in harms way to share my sacred life with a man that devalued me, worked to crush my spirit, and take entitlements he was not worthy of. My life with HELL was definitely not the life I was meant for. I have learned just how wonderful my spirit is, even with all of his attempts to own my spirit, break my spirit, and control me, the messages were coming to me, to try and protect me.

Even the first night I slept beside my abuser, in the bed his late wife shared with him, I awoke with ill feelings, the room spinning, nauseated and suffered a migraine headache. These were the warning signs that I was in harm’s way. Right down to my abuser keeping his cell phone close to his hip, even listening to it during sex, were signs of his need to control and behavior so sick and inappropriate, it led me to learn that I was certainly in harms way. When I write this, my stomach turns, as I think about how much poison was in my life and just how much my life was in danger. He "appeared" to everyone as this quiet, reserved man, a nice guy most would assume. Unfortunately, the reality was pointed out to me when I was informed that Ted Bundy was considered a "nice guy" too.

HELL would continually attempt to smash my spirit it into a million pieces. Luckily, I am blessed with a wonderful family and an abundance of close friends that are happy to receive my love. With the strength of my spirit and love for myself, I am slowly rebuilding my life, one that honors my talents and gifts and also honors and acknowledges my wants, dreams and desires. I choose to lead a loving life, one that allows me to share my essence, and celebrate my spirit. I know that the life I led with my abuser would have cost me even more than I have endured, as I know I would have surely paid with my life.

What I know now…
I learned that NO father would be withheld from seeing their child, or know their whereabouts, or be excluded from having supervised visitation, unless prevented by court order. This indicates the presence of serious safety concerns, because NO parent is denied their parental rights, unless they have been declared unfit by a court. Therefore, HELL's “story” of how his first wife fled with his daughter is highly unlikely to be truthful. This was a HUGE RED FLAG that I failed to acknowledge because HELL claimed NO responsibility for his parental role and blamed everything on his spouse and mother-in-law.

I also learned that when a fifty year old man continues to believe and accept that sex between a nineteen year old male and a fourteen year old female is appropriate, there are serious concerns about poor judgment and decision making. This certainly indicates an impairment in his thinking process and his continual difficulty with understanding and setting appropriate limitations and boundaries that could have grave repercussions. It just shows more of HELL's illness.

I learned that most families have dialogue at the dinner table, rather than silence (detachment).

I also learned that it was not only hurtful and abusive to share anything personal and private about our relationship with HELL's children, it was extremely inappropriate and further encapsulated HELL's inability to set appropriate limits, maintain appropriate relationships and also validates HELL's lack of care and compassion, without conscience or remorse. It demonstrates malace and a disregard for others. (splitting). It also is inappropriate for a fifty year old man to seek guidance from his children on relationships.

I learned that it is inappropriate for a parent to SNEAK across the street to have sex with the sixty year old neighbor, leaving their child alone only three months after their spouse/parent died (detachment/neglect). HELL even expressed feeling guilty, but his disregard for others, inability to set appropriate limits or delay having his needs met were ignored. He went ahead without conscience or remorse.

I learned that the constant crisis and drama present is predominately dysfunctional and extremely unhealthy family system (histrionic/borderline/enmeshed).

I learned that no doubt, HELL's relationships will continue to be those where he will attempt to control and project his inadequacies, maintaining his victim and his rampant narcissistic behavior. He will have inappropriate relationships that he will attempt to rationalize and make excuses for, believing his justification for his inappropriate actions are adequate. Others may have reservations or question his behavior, only to be coerced by his relentless excuses. However, this is where his victims need to have a clear mind and know the reality. A questionable or inappropriate relationship, is most likely inappropriate. When we first met, he mentioned that his mother was trying to fix him up with her friend. INAPPROPRIATE!! A family relation is a family relation... get a clue! I would also be leary of the consenting party that is willing to engage in that scenario as well. EWWWWWWW!

I learned that I made excuses for HELL's behavior because I believed his stories of betrayal, hurt, abandonment and victimization by everyone in his life. The truth was that the stories were about himself and that he projected his anger and resentment onto me. HELL is a perpetrator, not a victim.

I know that HELL did not have the coping skills or ability to communicate his needs, making assumptions of how I “should” (judgment) know what his needs were. HELL stated to me that he was “hoping I would change.” How could someone say "I love you" and "I was hoping you would change" in the same sentence. This message articulated his need to control, his low self-esteem, and his anger and resentment. This was projected onto me with his abusive behavior.

I learned that I should have listened closer to the gratitude other family expressed for living so far from the drama and chaos.

I learned that the passive aggressive abuser inevitably fails to keep his word and appear or act as though he is going to great lengths to follow through with plans. However, the passive aggressive abuser will have you doing all the work. This became evident as HELL would take property from my home for his own use or benefit, and actively participate and encourage the refinance of my home. However HELL failed to keep his word, never following through or preparing his own home to sell and calously allowed me to suffer great financial loss. He basically lied and did not follow through with commitments he anxiously agreed to. HELL is selfish and lazy.

I learned that I could no longer be the "whipping boy" for HELL's anger and resentment. The final boundary my HELL crossed was the hurtfulness that involved my son. The sheer emotional torture my abuser inflicted kept increasing, and I could no longer endure his hurtfulness. My therapist has indicated on several occasions that the trauma I endured because of HELL's abuse has a recurrent impact on me that indicates Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I learned when his daughter stated to me, using great emphasis, that HELL was a very “passive” man, “very passive,” was another warning I did not listen to.

I learned that my abuser's expressed hatred for his father, even before I even met him, was certainly a big red flag that I should have been alarmed as again, he was attempting to control, using more splitting behavior.

I know that it was not only disrespectful, but odd and inappropriate that HELL had a need to keep his cell phone close by his side, activated and ready to answer while we had sex (control).
Imagine, these horrible and disrespectful behaviors inflicted on you.

I learned that HELL had an overwhelming need to control, expressing his anxiety when he was at my house and away his home. This was another BIG red flag. I sense he most certainly will not venture far, attempting to create a "normal" more complacent appearance. HELL expressed wanting a different life, yet he could not mold me to the model that was comfortable. Rest assured, he will find that complacency by finding another to purge his pain.

I learned that it is highly inappropriate for a father to buy their daughter a gift or even a gift card from Victoria’s Secret. EWWWWWWWW!!

I learned that having to have TWO surgeries, due to having precancerous cells, after my intimate encounters with HELL was another big sign. During the first surgery, I was heavily sedated and I did not recognize my abuser when he attempted to kiss me, as they wheeled me away into the operating room. When I awoke, the very first thing my abuser expressed was his anger at me not recognizing him. I had just had my cervix cut out of me and that was the first thing he would say to me. When I told him that I had to have a second surgery, he ignored me and never responded. My fiance, the man I would marry is no doubt A TRUE abuser and sick man.

I learned that my failure to set firmer boundaries and higher expectations of what I should have required from my abuser enabled him to continue his coercive behavior. When I did require expectations, asking my abuser to be considerate by telephoning me, he accused me of "keeping tabs" on him, and then the abuse escalated. My abuser could not tolerate any boundaries and was intolerant towards postponing getting his needs met. He even went so far as to underhandedly look for a condominium to purchase, neglecting to discuss it with me, during a time when I asked him that we slow our plans to move, as he was overwhelming me with his impatience.

I learned that I should have questioned further why my abuser has never established friendships or have a history of establishing any close friendships. Of course he had several excuses ("we moved a lot," "I was married")

I learned that my body was telling me over and over that there was something wrong. I began to have stomach pains and headaches on a continual basis, because deep down, I knew that there was something gravely wrong with HELL. When HELL told me that he had a brother with schizophrenia, I understood why I was seeing so many of the same symptoms, behaviors and responses by HELL, as the genetic and familial implications were so clearly evident. This also validated my concerns about the schizoid behaviors and traits I was witness to, and it later explained the narcissism and borderline behavior. HELL was hyper-vigilant, reacting to noises on my computer and my clothes dryer. He was also paranoid, accusing me of cheating because of the noises from my computer. HELL also had a secret, one I questioned and posed the possibility of the emotional pain it could cause. So when his daughter stated that HELL would never take his shirt off, knowing his secret, I had to cover up what I knew about HELL. Nothing but lies and secrets, drama and chaos.

I learned that dependency is a normal part of healthy relationships; however, it is not appropriate when I am coerced or devalued. HELL was constantly dramatic and accused me by stating “you weren’t there for me,” when he was not feeling well. He even went so far to take a photo of himself and sent it to my cell phone. I had offered to leave work to take him to the doctor. He indicated to me that "urgent care" would not be open until the afternoon. Although I stated to him that I would leave my job from downtown and drive the 40 miles to his house and take him another 30 miles to his doctor and back home, and then drive another 25 miles back to my home, I asked to see if his child could drive him, since he was out of school and a few minutes from his house. I also stated to let me know if he really needed me, and I would come. He never called me back and at the end of the day I called him and he stated that he drove himself to the doctor, and that "it was bad, really bad." By the end of the week, when HELL came over to my house, the first thing he did was sit on my couch and exclaim "you weren't there for me." At first I thought I was seeing a five year old child having a temper tantrum. However, I realized that this was another way for my abuser to bring chaos and drama into my life. He conveniently left out that fact that I stated to call if he really needed me, and the fact that he would have me leave my job, the job that would pay half the mortgage on our house and put a roof over the head of his children, rather than request his son drive him to the doctor, truly showed me the degree of control and hurtfulness my abuser possessed. This was his opportunity to once again, be a victim, a martyr, and bring drama and chaos into my life and seek power and control.

I learned that when HELL told me his mother had the expectation that he “should” know she is sick and she “shouldn’t” have to call and ask for help was the same histrionic, chaotic, unrealistic, borderline behavior that I would see later with my abuser. I sometimes have to shake myself to look at the reality of the family dynamics, reminding myself that his mother would move HELL's partially blind mother-in-law in with her, and shortly after, request she move out because she "felt like a prisoner in her own home." I am curious as to what she was thinking when she made the decision to share her home, and the responsibility it might entail. However, she suddenly became the victim of a partially blind woman, "a prisoner in her own home." This was just like my abuser telling me all the things HE had to do when his wife became ill, never articulating any compassion or care for her suffering a terminal illness. Suddenly, he was the victim as well, telling me all HE had to do while she was ill. He even went so far as to state the he "wished it was he that got sick" so he could get out of his marriage. This is clearly someone that does not exhibit any compassion, caring or remorse. This is sociopath behavior.

I learned that I should have listened closer to the family messages indicating that his late wife was a "Saint” or when her sister stated “she would have never left you,” or at the wedding of his late wife's nephew, when a family member said “this is the most I’ve heard him talk in over twenty years.” I learned that when I heard “she would have never left you,” may have very well acknowledged there was already an abusive cycle the family was aware of.

I learned the night my abuser quietly snuck out of my house, when he was childishly mad because he didn’t get attention was an absolutely HUGE, HUGE red flag of the maturity and level of emotional development I was dealing with. I acknowledge and know now just how sick that behavior was.

I learned that when someone tells me that their family members are having knife fights in their homes at 2 am, I need to stop, be alarmed and evaluate my relationship. (This clearly indicates dangerous, aggressive, and alarming out of control behavior and a BIG red flag that I should be fearful)

I learned that HELL's need for control, even in therapy, would explain why he never followed up with the help he so desperately stated he wanted for us. It most surely explains that he had managed to blur the boundaries of his therapeutic relationship and preventing any communication with me. Most interesting, that although he stated he wanted to change, he remains the same. I learned through my own difficult work that my abuser does not have the insight or capacity to acknowledge his dysfunction; his inappropriate relationships and behaviors, delusional thinking, paranoia, victim role, jealously, anger, resentment, lying, and hurtfulness is who he is.

I believed with all my heart and soul that HELL would NEVER hurt me, giving every ounce of loyalty, trust, commitment and love to this man. Can you imagine loving someone that would inflict such grave emotional damage on anyone? Can you imagine?

Having a relationship with someone with these schizoid, borderline and narcissistic characteristics and traits, is what I had suspected from the start. However, I desperately, in my codependent way, tried to give this man every benefit of the doubt, only to find out that the likelihood that my hope that the man my abuser promised me he was, was just another one of his delusions. I had "been had." The "poker face" remained, never animated, never giving a clue to who he was, or his state of well being. The "poker face" was easily "the con."

Remembering that a "pickle will always be a pickle" does not mean that it will EVER be a cucumber. Narcissists are the shifty car dealers you avoid, because you fearing you will be coerced into buying the lemon. HELL is certainly the BIGGEST lemon one could ever encounter.

Why your man is angry or mad at you in truth has very little, if anything, to do with you. You, to him, represent a figure of someone from his past. He has taken all of his frustrations - the emotional trauma he endured, the pain, neglect, abandonment, and betrayal that he has experienced at the hands of someone who should have loved him and turned that rage onto the person (you) who has chosen to love him.

If you are anything like me, you want to stay around and save him, right? You know that he needs someone to love him, someone who understands him and who can handle his mood swings and you believe that you are that person. You love him even though he has treated you like scrap more times than you care to remember.

It's sad to see someone we love suffer from some emotional baggage that is sucking the life from them and there is little we can do to help. But what is even more troubling is our willingness to be apart of their victimization by allowing them to victimize us on a routine bases.

There is a way out... there is always a way out of misery and despair. First, it begins with you deciding today that you have had enough and that the life you want for yourself will be better than the life you now know. You, just like your partner, must come face to face with the reality of who you are in your essence.

You, just like the person you want to save, will hopefully come to know that you were given this life, as an expression of celebration by your Creator. You were born loved, worthy, and understood before you were taught self doubt, lack, and unworthiness by another.

When someone loves you, you'll know it.
It doesn't come disguised in insults and actions that are incompatible with goodness and right action.
I can never sacrifice the essence of myself to be loved by someone who probably doesn't know love themselves.
I deserve to be happy, healthy, and free, not living a miserable existence under the control of a man who has no control over his emotions.

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

“I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.”
—Milton Berle

The next cycle of abuse has begun...

It's a saddening and shameful thought that the next woman has begun her cycle of abuse with my abuser. The honeymoon is so sweet, so unbelievably perfect and the thoughtful flowers, a cheap weekend trip and the trivial endearments have already swept my abuser's next victim into the abyss of sheer delight. Patiently, quietly, and as sure as the sun will shine, when the time is right and my abuser has gained his victim's trust and adoration, the table will slowly turn. The rope will tighten and the noose will be placed so gently that she will never notice. It starts with little remarks, ways he attempts to elevate his esteem. Whether he elaborates on his sexual encounters or your fabricated inadequacies, he will make you believe that he has been wanted by many and had by few. Since she will never question his motives, because "he loves me," she would never think about why would he need to visit a strip club for an occasional lap dance, masturbate daily or hide porn tapes in his work vehicle if there were women at his disposal. That is when he will begin to confuse her, question her genuineness, loyalty and love. That is when he will begin to unload the pain of his past on her. Low and behold, the moment she resists, questioning his motives, the noose will tighten, thrusting her further into the vortex, spinning into greater confusion, thinking "he loves me," until she believes his delusions and questions her own essence.

Please save yourself the pain and run now.

This is what happens when there is a predisposition genetically and an environment that creates an abuser. Not only was my abuser predispositioned to personality issues, that vulnerability was impacted by so many early childhood traumatic experiences, like his father leaving or the morning he woke to find his grandmother dead, that his "latching on" and quickness to fall in love is part of his abusive pattern, it is his personality. It is who he has become. It is who he is. This is also evidenced by his inability to understand metaphors, acronyms and analogies, as his "black and white thinking" made it difficult for him to connect abstract to his concrete world. Yet, because he appears "seemingly normal," the inappropriateness and latent coping skills are not apparent until you've found yourself at the bottom of the barrel. Then, when you begin to question yourself and recognize that you are not the person that you were when you entered this relationship, it suddenly becomes clear that you've been the victim of an emotional shark, an abuser attempting to rape you for the beautiful woman you've become and all the gifts and talents you share with the world.

I often question myself as to how his late wife managed to stay with this man, but as a mother myself, I also understand that we would do anything to provide for our children. Knowing that years prior to having children, my abuser told me he and his spouse connected with many years that they engaged in daily marijuana and frequent alcohol use. This was evidence of being "absent" from oneself and avoidant of the realities of dealing with relationships and learning to develop true intimacy.

One day at my abuser's home, he opened the kitchen cupboard and there was a mass of different types of alcohol stored in the cabinet. My eyes widened, and my abuser quickly responded, stating that it was "hers." This was just more of what he had not resolved, what he had not kept private, what he had not respected in a manner that would preserve his late wife's dignity. I know now that a man of character would have protected her memory and not have pointed the finger at his deceased wife, the mother of his children. Yet, laying blame was his knee jerk response to any and all events where he felt threatened or challenged.

I remember having a discussion with my abuser and what comes to the forefront of that event is not even the topic, it is the response of my abuser stating "it's not my fault!" The fact that it was a discussion and the response was so out of context, so child like, that once again, I thought I was talking to a five year old. This is because his ego is so underdeveloped that ANY perceived perception of being challenged or threatened, my abuser would divert the responsibility, withdraw, become the victim, and later passively abuse his victim. In addition, all the while he is seeking validation for the chaos he created and will split with whomever will help make sense of his external world. However, this is just one more clue of how chaotic my abuser's internal world is, as he attempts to project all his pain on everyone else.

I was meeting with a colleague/friend the other day, who asked me about what had happened to my broken engagement. After explaining to her the dynamics and after all the money lost, broken promises, inappropriate behaviors, she immediately responded "schizoid." Again, such a relief to hear from my colleague, as I explained to her that immediately after, another friend and clinician said to me that I was being abused. I told her how at the time, I could not believe what I was hearing and I never thought that I would have to spend over a year and a half in therapy trying to understand what happened to me. My colleague made it crystal clear to me. She said "that it is not unusual for a year to pass until you are able to see and understand someone with severe personality issues." "Even as professionals", she said "we often don't see it in our clients until a year later." "That is because we have to get to know them." She further went on and stated that "even with all of our experience and training, it is not unusual for us to be taken in as well." So, when she learned how I had lost so much money, how I had refinanced my home, changed phone plans because we were going to be on the "family plan," and all the repercussions from the finances alone, she could not believe it. I had "been had" by a very sick man.

Sadly, because of my abuser's early life trauma and abuse and never having the emotional support he needed to manage these events, my abuser spent his life navigating the world and figuring out how to get his needs met in unhealthy ways. Even more tragic is that never working through trauma or abuse prevents emotional development, resulting in primitive coping skills and child like behavior. For example, my abuser use to tell me that he and his late wife use to call one another vulgar names. This is child like behavior. Even more devastating is that unprocessed trauma prevents one developing into the person they were meant to be in this life. The "good soul" I had asked G-d to bring, would never emerge from this man.

In my fleeting thoughts, I can only pray that someday my abuser might know who he was meant to be in this life. Other than that, every day, I release all the negativity, anger, hurt, resentment, fear, illness, pain, heartache, tears, toxins, and all harmful feelings that dishonored my freedom, and overwhelmed my life for the past three years. I will not allow anyone to abuse me, even when they “say I love you.” That is the “devil” in disguise. Like the disease, you are cut from my heart and cut from draining my life of all kindness, caring, love and successes I bring into the world. These gifts are not to be taken advantage of, as I am a beautiful, kind and loving soul who deserves more. I will not settle and allow anyone to bring their hurtfulness, anger and pain into my life, so that they may feel better about themselves.

"Things to be Desired"

Desiderata ~Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

By the way, Desiderata is Latin for "Things to be Desired."