Tonight, I'm sitting here watching 20/20 and they're doing a piece on Bernie Madoff. Interestingly, the interview included the bodyguard who worked forhim. He indicated that Madoff was a sociopath. That he had no conscience, no remorse, no empathy for the destruction he caused, and he did not even flinch over two of the victims that lost their entire savings, and then committed suicide. Madoff even had deceived his secretary. She worked for him for over twenty years, and in her interview, said that she loved Madoff, but when she found out about what he was doing, she also stated that he did not have any remorse on conscience for what he did. She was his dedicated secretary, and never questioned or believed that he would have an "evil side."
I immediately was reminded of my abuser. Like Madoff, I wondered if he fooled his late wife. After all, he fooled me, so how he stayed married for twenty years would indicate an extremely tolerant kind individual or just another victim he fooled, just like so many others. From the secrets he told me, I now understand how the cycle of abuse was so prevalent in his twenty year marriage. The red flags, the secrets, were revealed to me by my abuser, unaware that when he told me about his marriage, he gave me the information that clearly indicated an emotionally abusive relationship.
Sadly, the ending of his marriage was due to his spouse's terminal illness, making a greater statement about the level of tolerance that one would have to dedicate the remainder of your life to share with your children and become further dependent on your abuser. Knowing that, I waited to hear words of kindness and adoration for the woman he loved, the mother of his children, only to hear about his sufferings and grief as a caretaker. Mortified? Yes! This truly gave me greater compassion for the woman I would never know, the woman who would have longed to have the love of her life to comfort her and embrace her in moments of intimacy, compassion and tenderness, as she transitioned to be with the Lord. Yet, what remains with me is the the secrets he shared with me about his marriage, the hurtfulness, shaming and unkind words they exchanged, the isolation and his dreams that there was something "better" for him.
Yet, maligning his late wife's name would not be sufficient to sway me. It was brought to light one hot summer day as I recall the time I sat on a crate in his garage, weathering the heat of summer, working tirelessly and sweating profusely, helping to discard the financial records his wife left behind. I also recall sitting on the floor in his bathroom, helping to clean out his wife’s toiletries, so I could find my own spot in the small area he invited me into. Although I offered to help, I learned that he had not honored his wife by keeping her place, her home or her belongings sacred. Nor was he accountable or responsible to ensure that their life together was respected. He had not closed one door before opening another. Furthermore, this brings to light that not only was he irresponsible and unaccountable to his previous relationship, in his incessant need to move forward with another relationship, I was denied my privacy, respect and dignity as well.
This was a huge sign that I did not see from the start, yet, there was a well established pattern that demonstrated a lack of compassion, remorse, accountability or responsibility. An abuser will continually blur the boundaries, in spite of the repercussions to others and justify how their actions are appropriate.
For the abuser, it is about getting his needs met, even allowing the emotional needs of other suffer. The secrets he told me were clear, as he revealed that just a couple months after his wife died, he began sneaking across the street to have sex with his sixty year old neighbor, even though he would be leaving his teenage son home alone. He expressed he "felt "guilt," but in spite of that guilt, he continued to sneak across the street, leaving his son alone and unsupported. When that relationship ended he stated that she got a "vaginal infection" and placed blame to her and he "didn't know why" the relationship ended. Later, after working through the disbelief that I was being emotionally tortured, I understood that these situations were indicators of a truly emotionally detached person, unable to empathize or express true compassion of another person's plight, unable to be fully present and participate in relationships of intimacy, caring and love.
RED FLAG!My abuser articulated how his behavior(s) were justified, using his constant portrayal of victimization.Moresecrets... he was "miserable the last five years of his marriage," or that he had entitlement to his behavior indicating, "I can't wait for everyone else to be ready to move on." However, the abuser is NEVER absolved from their accountabilityand responsibility. More secrets...
This showed me someone that is not responsible, or accountable for their behavior or able to establish healthy relationships. My abuser brought continual crisis and chaos into my life!
Like Madoff, I had also been financially abused in my relationship and like Madoff, my abuser took no responsibility or accountability for the damage he did. After purchasing airline tickets months earlier for my son's graduation my abuser used this very important event in my life to taunt me, vacillating on whether he would attend, watching me suffer and cry endlessly over his hurtful need to have me "lay in wait" and endure his selfishness. He even remarked to me how he thought my hurt and crying was "too much." How he could ever rationalize what he was doing would never be known. Later, I found out that this is a tactic of a Narcissist, using an event or situation that was knowingly of high importance to initiate chaos and drama and be in control. Yet my abuser would have me believe that everything was about me bringing “all my past” into this relationship. Again, avoiding responsibility and accountability to the relationship.
Understanding the dynamics the relationship with my abuser, most certainly, past behavior will predict the future. So to think that the man I loved and adored would go off to work, as I lie dying in our bed at home, will never leave my thoughts. Interestingly, the day Mr. Madoff may possibly face the same predicament, he will also be absent, his secrets landing him in prison. His secrets revealed the abuse he inflicted on others, the life-long repercussions, and the crimes that led to his incarceration because his secrets were told. Tell me how is my abuser any different? One person's life is just as fragile as the many Madoff destroyed.
"The real test of humanity begins in the
realization that God or the energy of creation is not an outside influence but rather a pulse of energy that resides in every soul, including you."
I wish for you to know how sorry I am, because just as you couldn’t know what life was like for me, I was unaware how it was for you. I wish I had known, but sadly, I only knew what I was told. I was isolated, and that isolation kept me uncertain and alienated from knowing when and where I would be welcomed, and even estranged me from my best friend. I know how it feels to lose a mother at a very young age, so I tried to be mindful and sensitive towards the relationship with your father. However, I can only tell you the stories presented to me, as every question I could think of, I had addressed. I needed to be certain of his intentions, character, integrity and the commitment to fostering a new relationship.
Although no one knew what life was like for me, I can tell you that I never felt ill will towards anyone, nor were any of my intentions with purpose to be unkind. I only knew the stories I was told and the secrets shared with me. Yes, there were secrets revealed in the picture that was painted for me, but my belief, trust, unwavering love and my hope for the future kept me in my place, never questioning what was revealed to me. My love and loyalty held on to the secrets. That distorted picture led me to question myself and start to believe that there was something wrong with me. I was devastated, learning that none of my experience was authentic; my hope became the Achilles’ heel, making me vulnerable for hurtfulness and coercion. Being cautious about assumptions and judgments, I kept on believing until my heart was repeatedly battered, then it burst.
I am not an unkind person, but that does not mean I have to accept the unkindness of anyone, especially when I become the “whipping boy” for another person’s pain. It was like I was in a vortex, being spun around; uncertain of myself and trusting the man that said he loved me. I could not understand how I could be loved and adored, then suddenly devalued, berated and accused of such horrible things. I later learned that these “horrible things” were happening to me. The berating and accusing coerced me into taking responsibility for the behavior, because after all, I had begun to doubt myself, so he must be right. I did not know that what lay before me was a year and a half of intense trauma therapy to deal with the physical, financial, spiritual and psychological aftermath of being emotionally abused. I have learned how the secrets that were told to me carried the same message, over and over…that had I been more mindful, perhaps I would have trusted my instincts and acknowledged the red flags from the start. Was it so wrong for me to be hopeful?
“Do not judge me for the window within my view,
A window with a different picture than the one he meant for you.
Do not judge me for the window that became, The place to hide his secrets and the source of all my pain.” ~Anonymous~
No one says “I love you”
...and then “I was hoping you would change.”
No longer can I hold on to the secrets, as I have learned that my value and worth cannot be threatened or coerced into silence. I have been writing my narrative, telling the secrets that were shared with me, the secrets used to control me and the secrets of unkindness that NEVER belonged to me.
I can no longer hold on to what isn’t mine, so I continue to write my narrative and speak of the secrets, over and over, bringing a voice for healing and an ear for what needs to be heard… for what needs to be heard...NEVER again hiding what needs to be heard.
Abuse is NEVER a secret.
My apologies if there was a single moment that you ever felt that I was uncaring, and if the stories or pictures depicted to you portrayed any indifference. It is important to express my regrets and to let go of fearing the unkindness and threats that kept me silent. It is important, for healing, to be accountable and responsible, so I may move towards living my life once again. I know my truth, the person I am, the essence of me, and with that, I will always wish you well.
I am wishing you well.
Please receive these words of loving kindness,as I have opened my heart to wish them for you. May you give this loving kindness to yourself and to others.
May you be safe and protected from danger
May you be happy and peaceful May you be healthy and strong May you have ease and well being May you be free from stress and anxiety
May you be free from all fear and worry May you feel calmness and contentment May you have meaningful work May you accept yourself, just as you are May you experience great joy.
Above all, may you have love.
Tend to your vital heart, and all that you worry about will be solved. -Rumi
To learn more about what I know for sure, please visit: http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/
I wake up every day and ask myself if this will be the day. Will this be the day that I will start to live again? I have good intentions and believe that with every moment that I’m awake that this is the moment that life begins again. I realize that today will not be the day, just like all the other days that have passed me by, where I have tirelessly worked to live as if I was living, so that no one would suspect or think that I was not a survivor. Tired and embarrassed of the friends and family that tell me to move on with my life, it’s easier to remain in the isolation that was created for me by my abuser, then to venture out and participate, trying to hide any glimmer of desperation and pain. So, today would not be the day that I start living, just like all the other days that have passed by, during the past year and a half. In my silent pain, no one imagines what it’s like, what it is to wake every day and be reminded that the future is no longer here, that the past was a sickening betrayal of my incredible faith, belief and trust in another human being, a person that embodies every character of emotional unwellness, of an abuser.
Maybe tomorrow, yes tomorrow, I will get out of bed when the alarm goes off and be ready for work on time. I will get out of my pajamas before the afternoon, maybe eat something other than the prescription medication that would help me think, focus and organize my life. Oh yes, organize my life. So, perhaps today would be the day the hole in my heart would close and I could take a deep breath and live again. Today might be the day that I can think, focus and organize my life, without that nagging veil of blackness that travels to the center of the hole in my heart. Deep in that hole, I hide a wailing, a screaming pain that begs to be set free. If only that pain could erupt and flow I might one day get out of my pajamas. It’s like a tsunami, waiting, making me suffer in my deep hidden painful silence.
I am a farce, I am a fool and I let a psychotic, sociopath touch the center of my being. Isn’t there another soul in this world that understands? This is a beating of a different kind, one that has moved me into a place in my life where I never thought I could ever be. The horror is that not only has my perpetrator managed to be a covert abuser, who has managed to keep his actions secretive, the abuse is minimized or discounted. A physical beating would have let me move forward. Only then would the world understand, because only scars and bruises will evoke compassion and understanding. The emotional horror I’ve endured has severe and long-lasting repercussions.
Imagine that, you’re not crazy, but it seems that, with every beat of your heart you wait patiently, hoping, wishing you might waken from this dream to see the person you loved by your side, comforting you and telling you that all is well, it’s only a dream. That the breath that brings you life, will be the breath that helps you out of your dream and into living freely as you had did once before. It just might be the breath that gets you out of those pajamas.
"When you see a snake, never mind where he came from." ~W. G. Benham
ed for him. He indicated that Madoff was a sociopath. That he had no conscience, no remorse, no empathy for the destruction he caused, and he did not even flinch over two of the victims that lost their entire savings, and then committed suicide. Madoff even had deceived his secretary. She worked for him for over twenty years, and in her interview, said that she loved Madoff, but when she found out about what he was doing, she also stated that he did not have any remorse on conscience for what he did. She was his dedicated secretary, and never questioned or believed that he would have an "evil side."
