To His Children...

I wish for you to know how sorry I am, because just as you couldn’t know what life was like for me, I was unaware how it was for you. I wish I had known, but sadly, I only knew what I was told. I was isolated, and that isolation kept me uncertain and alienated from knowing when and where I would be welcomed, and even estranged me from my best friend. I know how it feels to lose a mother at a very young age, so I tried to be mindful and sensitive towards the relationship with your father. However, I can only tell you the stories presented to me, as every question I could think of, I had addressed. I needed to be certain of his intentions, character, integrity and the commitment to fostering a new relationship.

Although no one knew what life was like for me, I can tell you that I never felt ill will towards anyone, nor were any of my intentions with purpose to be unkind. I only knew the stories I was told and the secrets shared with me. Yes, there were secrets revealed in the picture that was painted for me, but my belief, trust, unwavering love and my hope for the future kept me in my place, never questioning what was revealed to me. My love and loyalty held on to the secrets. That distorted picture led me to question myself and start to believe that there was something wrong with me. I was devastated, learning that none of my experience was authentic; my hope became the Achilles’ heel, making me vulnerable for hurtfulness and coercion. Being cautious about assumptions and judgments, I kept on believing until my heart was repeatedly battered, then it burst.

I am not an unkind person, but that does not mean I have to accept the unkindness of anyone, especially when I become the “whipping boy” for another person’s pain. It was like I was in a vortex, being spun around; uncertain of myself and trusting the man that said he loved me. I could not understand how I could be loved and adored, then suddenly devalued, berated and accused of such horrible things. I later learned that these “horrible things” were happening to me. The berating and accusing coerced me into taking responsibility for the behavior, because after all, I had begun to doubt myself, so he must be right. I did not know that what lay before me was a year and a half of intense trauma therapy to deal with the physical, financial, spiritual and psychological aftermath of being emotionally abused. I have learned how the secrets that were told to me carried the same message, over and over…that had I been more mindful, perhaps I would have trusted my instincts and acknowledged the red flags from the start. Was it so wrong for me to be hopeful?

“Do not judge me for the window within my view,

A window with a different picture than the one he meant for you.

Do not judge me for the window that became,
The place to hide his secrets and the source of all my pain.”
~Anonymous~

No one says “I love you”
...and then “I was hoping you would change.”

No longer can I hold on to the secrets, as I have learned that my value and worth cannot be threatened or coerced into silence. I have been writing my narrative, telling the secrets that were shared with me, the secrets used to control me and the secrets of unkindness that NEVER belonged to me.

I can no longer hold on to what isn’t mine, so I continue to write my narrative and speak of the secrets, over and over, bringing a voice for healing and an ear for what needs to be heard… for what needs to be heard...NEVER again hiding what needs to be heard.

Abuse is NEVER a secret.

My apologies if there was a single moment that you ever felt that I was uncaring, and if the stories or pictures depicted to you portrayed any indifference. It is important to express my regrets and to let go of fearing the unkindness and threats that kept me silent. It is important, for healing, to be accountable and responsible, so I may move towards living my life once again. I know my truth, the person I am, the essence of me, and with that, I will always wish you well.

I am wishing you well.

Please receive these words of loving kindness, as I have opened my heart to wish them for you.
May you give this loving kindness to yourself and to others.

May you be safe and protected from danger

May you be happy and peaceful
May you be healthy and strong
May you have ease and well being
May you be free from stress and anxiety

May you be free from all fear and worry
May you feel calmness and contentment
May you have meaningful work
May you accept yourself, just as you are
May you experience great joy.

Above all, may you have love.

Tend to your vital heart, and all that you worry about will be solved. -Rumi

To learn more about what I know for sure, please visit: http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/