His name is Bernie Madoff

Tonight, I'm sitting here watching 20/20 and they're doing a piece on Bernie Madoff. Interestingly, the interview included the bodyguard who worked for him. He indicated that Madoff was a sociopath. That he had no conscience, no remorse, no empathy for the destruction he caused, and he did not even flinch over two of the victims that lost their entire savings, and then committed suicide. Madoff even had deceived his secretary. She worked for him for over twenty years, and in her interview, said that she loved Madoff, but when she found out about what he was doing, she also stated that he did not have any remorse on conscience for what he did. She was his dedicated secretary, and never questioned or believed that he would have an "evil side."

I immediately was reminded of my abuser. Like Madoff, I wondered if he fooled his late wife. After all, he fooled me, so how he stayed married for twenty years would indicate an extremely tolerant kind individual or just another victim he fooled, just like so many others. From the secrets he told me, I now understand how the cycle of abuse was so prevalent in his twenty year marriage. The red flags, the secrets, were revealed to me by my abuser, unaware that when he told me about his marriage, he gave me the information that clearly indicated an emotionally abusive relationship.

Sadly, the ending of his marriage was due to his spouse's terminal illness, making a greater statement about the level of tolerance that one would have to dedicate the remainder of your life to share with your children and become further dependent on your abuser. Knowing that, I waited to hear words of kindness and adoration for the woman he loved, the mother of his children, only to hear about his sufferings and grief as a caretaker. Mortified? Yes! This truly gave me greater compassion for the woman I would never know, the woman who would have longed to have the love of her life to comfort her and embrace her in moments of intimacy, compassion and tenderness, as she transitioned to be with the Lord. Yet, what remains with me is the the secrets he shared with me about his marriage, the hurtfulness, shaming and unkind words they exchanged, the isolation and his dreams that there was something "better" for him.

Yet, maligning his late wife's name would not be sufficient to sway me. It was brought to light one hot summer day as I recall the time I sat on a crate in his garage, weathering the heat of summer, working tirelessly and sweating profusely, helping to discard the financial records his wife left behind. I also recall sitting on the floor in his bathroom, helping to clean out his wife’s toiletries, so I could find my own spot in the small area he invited me into. Although I offered to help, I learned that he had not honored his wife by keeping her place, her home or her belongings sacred. Nor was he accountable or responsible to ensure that their life together was respected. He had not closed one door before opening another. Furthermore, this brings to light that not only was he irresponsible and unaccountable to his previous relationship, in his incessant need to move forward with another relationship, I was denied my privacy, respect and dignity as well.

This was a huge sign that I did not see from the start, yet, there was a well established pattern that demonstrated a lack of compassion, remorse, accountability or responsibility. An abuser will continually blur the boundaries, in spite of the repercussions to others and justify how their actions are appropriate.

For the abuser, it is about getting his needs met, even allowing the emotional needs of other suffer. The secrets he told me were clear, as he revealed that just a couple months after his wife died, he began sneaking across the street to have sex with his sixty year old neighbor, even though he would be leaving his teenage son home alone. He expressed he "felt "guilt," but in spite of that guilt, he continued to sneak across the street, leaving his son alone and unsupported. When that relationship ended he stated that she got a "vaginal infection" and placed blame to her and he "didn't know why" the relationship ended. Later, after working through the disbelief that I was being emotionally tortured, I understood that these situations were indicators of a truly emotionally detached person, unable to empathize or express true compassion of another person's plight, unable to be fully present and participate in relationships of intimacy, caring and love.

RED FLAG! My abuser articulated how his behavior(s) were justified, using his constant portrayal of victimization. More secrets... he was "miserable the last five years of his marriage," or that he had entitlement to his behavior indicating, "I can't wait for everyone else to be ready to move on." How ever, the abuser is NEVER absolved from their accountability and responsibility. More secrets...

This showed me someone that is not responsible, or accountable for their behavior or able to establish healthy relationships. My abuser brought continual crisis and chaos into my life!

Like Madoff, I had also been financially abused in my relationship and like Madoff, my abuser took no responsibility or accountability for the damage he did. After purchasing airline tickets months earlier for my son's graduation my abuser used this very important event in my life to taunt me, vacillating on whether he would attend, watching me suffer and cry endlessly over his hurtful need to have me "lay in wait" and endure his selfishness. He even remarked to me how he thought my hurt and crying was "too much." How he could ever rationalize what he was doing would never be known. Later, I found out that this is a tactic of a Narcissist, using an event or situation that was knowingly of high importance to initiate chaos and drama and be in control. Yet my abuser would have me believe that everything was about me bringing “all my past” into this relationship. Again, avoiding responsibility and accountability to the relationship.

Understanding the dynamics the relationship with my abuser, most certainly, past behavior will predict the future. So to think that the man I loved and adored would go off to work, as I lie dying in our bed at home, will never leave my thoughts. Interestingly, the day Mr. Madoff may possibly face the same predicament, he will also be absent, his secrets landing him in prison. His secrets revealed the abuse he inflicted on others, the life-long repercussions, and the crimes that led to his incarceration because his secrets were told. Tell me how is my abuser any different? One person's life is just as fragile as the many Madoff destroyed.

"The real test of humanity begins in the

realization that God or the energy of creation is not an outside influence but rather a pulse of energy that resides in every soul, including you."