It doesn't matter how loyal you are. Loyalty is the Achilles heel for an abuser. It is the very attribute that guarantees your abuser that you will always be available to take on the task of all his anger and pain It is the very attribute that will lead you to abandoning the most important person in your life.
For some, believing that loyalty is an admirable attribute is a realistic quality to aspire. However, loyalty has a price and in the instance of dealing with an abuser, no doubt you will become the perfect subject to victimize. Unfortunately, a "fiercely loyal" partner is a codependent one. To aspire with conviction such dedication towards loyalty so "fiercely," suggests that such determination will never be swayed. Yet, when all is in order, there is also another side to this "black and white" thinking. At what price will you pay to remain in your stance and be "fiercely loyal" to someone that does not have the capacity to honor you at all? No doubt, the abuser will specifically seek you out, because you are the one that has the "fierce" determination to to aspire to loyalty, as the belief is that it comes with dignity and honor, only to be masked by his continual degradation. Sadly, all the "fierce" determination in the world will not help you keep your dignity and honor. The fact that you've consented to embark on his journey is the sign that you've been successfully entwined and groomed into believing in the dream he's already created for you, as he consents to everything you desire. In time, you will continue to be sadly disappointed, but your "fierceness" will prevail to keep you loyal at all costs. How long will your "fierceness" endure the heartache? How long will your "fierceness" endure the pain? How long will you be "fierce" and hold on to all the blame? No matter what you do, he is an abuser and you, with your loyalty, and all your "fierceness" cannot fix him. That passion, that determination, that striving for allegiance is better spent on oneself because all the while you have committed yourself to being "fiercely loyal" you've abandoned the most important person in your relationship.... YOU.
"Fiercely loyal" is detachment from oneself and codependent, the perfect fitting glove for the person who has promised to love you, your abuser. So, when you think about how loyal and dedicated you are, with all your "fierceness" and conviction; remember, the price of your "fiercely loyal" attributes will be the price of your pain.
Talk about six degrees of separation...
Everything eventually comes full circle. If you think that there is no possibility of someone finding you, think again. As I've matured, I've come to notice just how interconnected we are to one another and the possibility of leaving behind those unpleasant moments in our lives, ones we would have rather not lived or remember, will certainly resurface again.
When you've experienced an unpleasant person or situation, making peace with that moment is an important part of that experience. I KNOW unequivocally every single moment that I shared with my abuser and every implication of coercive abuse I experienced. I have spent the better portion of almost two years understanding the pattern and learning more about myself in a way that most people are fearful of delving into over their life time. Moreover, it is not about the hurtfulness of what my abuser did to me, it is that I acknowledge what I allowed this very ill man to do to me.
He is who he is, sick as he may be, searching for a band aid to heal the wounds of the tumultuous life he experienced. The band aid is finding a woman that might bring some "normalcy" into his life, someone to focus on and divert the pain. I remember my abuser stating to me that "I knew I would find someone," as if he was looking for another brand of paper towels. Someone, was anyone that would fill the void, the vacancy and absence of the woman that came before me. It was literally as if he held a flashing vacancy sign. The need to fill that hole in himself was something that again, would be temporary, and eventually the pain will come full circle into the next relationship and resurface. I became the object, the band aid that he would attempt to live his life through and purge all the pain that he is emotionally immature to tolerate. Setting limits and boundaries was more than he could tolerate, as it stifled his ability to control and continue to make me responsible for all the pain in his life. That is not loving someone.
To really look introspectively and bare the wounds that need to be healed, one needs to have the insight that a band aid will not heal that pain, and covering it up with the next "someone or anyone" will certainly bring more chaos and drama. Continuing to go from relationship to relationship, searching for the band aid that will stick, just long enough to be groomed and integrated into a cycle of abuse is how my abuser has escaped from his pain. Since my abuser has not looked that introspectively into himself, he has NO insight about his pattern. One cannot move forward in a healthy way without being insightful.
I also noticed how this also continued into his therapeutic relationship, as he had split with his therapist. Initially, he requested that we engage in therapy. I consented, only to find that he never followed up on the referrals I gave him. He even stated to me that "therapy would not help" and articulated that his therapist said that "the relationship would not work." NO ethical therapist would articulate that message, but splitting with his therapist gave him control over what he could not tolerate. So, the band aid he received was just enough "grief therapy" to touch the surface, so he could continue to function. However, we all know that when we fall down and scrape our knee, a lollipop or cookie is just another way to divert oneself from the pain. Making peace with our pain cannot happen without insight. My abuser lacks the insight. How do I know this? If my abuser had insight, he would have been able to acknowledge that his behavior was unkind, inappropriate, and abusive to another human being. He would have been humble, kind and loving and be willing to embrace being open to "doing better and being better."
As I have come in touch with many friends, I have come to know how interconnected these connections are by acquaintance, relation or friendship to one another. There is always some six degrees of separation, acknowledgment or network of people that know one another. This recurrence of interconnectedness also touches my abuser. So to say there are NO MORE SECRETS is an understatement. ABUSE is NEVER a SECRET and for my abuser to ever think that what others deny, fail to see or continue to protect him from, will never come full circle, just continues to feed his delusion. The secrets have resurfaced.
I have made peace in knowing that NO ONE will ever abuse me again. I am an abuse survivor.
When you've experienced an unpleasant person or situation, making peace with that moment is an important part of that experience. I KNOW unequivocally every single moment that I shared with my abuser and every implication of coercive abuse I experienced. I have spent the better portion of almost two years understanding the pattern and learning more about myself in a way that most people are fearful of delving into over their life time. Moreover, it is not about the hurtfulness of what my abuser did to me, it is that I acknowledge what I allowed this very ill man to do to me.
He is who he is, sick as he may be, searching for a band aid to heal the wounds of the tumultuous life he experienced. The band aid is finding a woman that might bring some "normalcy" into his life, someone to focus on and divert the pain. I remember my abuser stating to me that "I knew I would find someone," as if he was looking for another brand of paper towels. Someone, was anyone that would fill the void, the vacancy and absence of the woman that came before me. It was literally as if he held a flashing vacancy sign. The need to fill that hole in himself was something that again, would be temporary, and eventually the pain will come full circle into the next relationship and resurface. I became the object, the band aid that he would attempt to live his life through and purge all the pain that he is emotionally immature to tolerate. Setting limits and boundaries was more than he could tolerate, as it stifled his ability to control and continue to make me responsible for all the pain in his life. That is not loving someone.
To really look introspectively and bare the wounds that need to be healed, one needs to have the insight that a band aid will not heal that pain, and covering it up with the next "someone or anyone" will certainly bring more chaos and drama. Continuing to go from relationship to relationship, searching for the band aid that will stick, just long enough to be groomed and integrated into a cycle of abuse is how my abuser has escaped from his pain. Since my abuser has not looked that introspectively into himself, he has NO insight about his pattern. One cannot move forward in a healthy way without being insightful.
I also noticed how this also continued into his therapeutic relationship, as he had split with his therapist. Initially, he requested that we engage in therapy. I consented, only to find that he never followed up on the referrals I gave him. He even stated to me that "therapy would not help" and articulated that his therapist said that "the relationship would not work." NO ethical therapist would articulate that message, but splitting with his therapist gave him control over what he could not tolerate. So, the band aid he received was just enough "grief therapy" to touch the surface, so he could continue to function. However, we all know that when we fall down and scrape our knee, a lollipop or cookie is just another way to divert oneself from the pain. Making peace with our pain cannot happen without insight. My abuser lacks the insight. How do I know this? If my abuser had insight, he would have been able to acknowledge that his behavior was unkind, inappropriate, and abusive to another human being. He would have been humble, kind and loving and be willing to embrace being open to "doing better and being better."
As I have come in touch with many friends, I have come to know how interconnected these connections are by acquaintance, relation or friendship to one another. There is always some six degrees of separation, acknowledgment or network of people that know one another. This recurrence of interconnectedness also touches my abuser. So to say there are NO MORE SECRETS is an understatement. ABUSE is NEVER a SECRET and for my abuser to ever think that what others deny, fail to see or continue to protect him from, will never come full circle, just continues to feed his delusion. The secrets have resurfaced.
I have made peace in knowing that NO ONE will ever abuse me again. I am an abuse survivor.
All I asked God for was a good soul....
I have learned so much about myself from this relationship and know that my initial instincts should have been listened to. From the start, seeing the signs and behaviors that were strange, odd and inappropriate, and from the feedback I received from work in group and individual therapy, in addition to my friends, family, colleagues and other professionals; I had allowed myself to be compromised by a man that is not only emotionally detached, but suffers from a multitude of personality issues which prevent him from having intimacy or healthy relationships. I also KNOW that his vulnerabilities were projected onto me, looking for his own relief of what he could not deal with.
I am not callous, insensitive or unkind. In fact, I am contrary to that in every way. I now acknowledge the truth, the facts and tell the secret, the reality of what is. I am no longer in DENIAL, nor will propose to feed into anyone else's denial. It is as black and white as my abuser. It has just been so difficult to imagine, as most people believe that no one could lead a healthy life and be so concrete, so black and white, good and bad. The truth is NO ONE can lead a healthy life and have these attributes. Life and relationships are to be navigated, through confrontation, negotiation and agreements. Unfortunately, my abuser was unable to integrate these tasks into his schema, resulting in such poor ego strengths that he was/is abusive.
This is NOT something that will change, and because of his lack of insight , he continues to detach and from intimacy and is abusive and hurtful. This is who he is and no matter who he attempts to bring into his life, the result will be the same. I use to say that it always felt as though he was "filling a vacancy" after his wife died, which is exactly what he needs to do, in order to project the pain he carries.
I also learned that genetically, since he has a brother with schizophrenia, the likelihood of other family members with "schizophrenic features" is common, more often than not. With that, it includes a multitude of personality issues and the probability of major difficulties with in a variety of settings. That includes interpersonal relationships.
Sometimes, I stop myself and have to take deep breaths, as I still suffer the heartbreak of his illness and the deception that came with it, I hurt over someone that never existed. I am saddened when I think of a family in denial, and the secrets. They have their own dreams of a friend, a brother, a son and a father. Those dreams are what anyone would long for, just as I had longed for the man that that said he was so in love with me. I imagine how difficult it is for my abuser, to not know who you truly are and to try to fulfill everyone's dream and fantasy of what they hoped for. That is so laboring, tiring and sad.
Yet, I know that I deserve better and that I deserve to have a man who is not struggling in his middle age to be fighting with who is, who he became. Just as my abuser said to me, one day, when he came to visit that "his kids come first." It was an honorable statement, and one I believe as well. However, he made this statement when I had challenged him about plans we had the following weekend and he rudely and disrespectfully diverted any accountability and responsibility of acknowledging his thoughtlessness. Instead, my abuser, my fiance, childishly reprimanded me and stated "my kids come first, attempting to divert his rudeness to me. At the time, he made me feel bad for something which I had NOTHING to feel bad for. Yet, he would use every excuse in the world to avoid accountability at all costs. Even if it meant hurting the person he said he loved.
Ultimately, when the time came for my son to graduate college, he also diverted honoring him and in his hurtfulness exclaimed that his son was graduating too. I had no reservations about the celebration of his son's achievement and in fact, I had proposed several celebration ideas and had started to scan pictures for a poster I was hoping we'd present him. Nevertheless, I realized that no one came first but my abuser. Since I believed that my child would come first, there was no way in hell that I would let my abuser's hurtfulness start to flow to my son. His actions were probably as low and ruthless as anyone could be. Then, I have to stop myself and realize that HE IS CRAZY! I know it sounds like a horrible thing to say, that he is "crazy," but knowing the chaos and drama he brought into my life could only be done by someone entirely "out of sorts." No healthy person would ever behave that way, further evidence that this man lacks insight and unfortunately, that person "out of sorts" is who he is. That is why he has NO friends. He is schizoid (this is a clinical DSM IV diagnosis, which, by the way, I AM QUALIFIED to make! ).
So NOW, all of the energy spent investigating his truthfulness or lack thereof is now focused on my spiritual balance + security of emotion. Wasting my energy to understand my abuser is insignificant. I have understood my abuser the entire time, it is now that I have made the decision to acknowledge what I chose not to see. That is part of what my fiancé has chosen to be, an abuser, and that is who he is.
Despite finally acknowledging my fiance's abusive nature, there still is a deep bruise of betrayal in my heart. That is the bruise of being sucked into my abusers delusion and believing he was something he could never be in this lifetime. If it was not me, it would be someone else... and no doubt, it will be the next... it will be the loss of one more hope, aspiration and future. To think, all I asked God for was a good soul. What are the chances his next encounter will be so gracious?
My comfort + happiness is the priority. The energy I give to my comfort and happiness will attract what I deserve..... someone who treasures me beyond all others.
My heart.... it is full of love waiting to unite with someone who deserves me.
Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves. - Walter Anderson
HELL- His Emotional Torture and also his NAME...
How did all of this happen? I’ve learned that by not having greater value and respect for myself, I allowed my abuser (HELL) to bring his pain and hurt that he carried into my life. No matter how much I loved, the extent of my pain being a sign of how much I have loved, HELL would never welcome and receive my love as the gift it was meant to be. I brought so many wonderful gifts to the relationship, and placed myself in harms way to share my sacred life with a man that devalued me, worked to crush my spirit, and take entitlements he was not worthy of. My life with HELL was definitely not the life I was meant for. I have learned just how wonderful my spirit is, even with all of his attempts to own my spirit, break my spirit, and control me, the messages were coming to me, to try and protect me.
Even the first night I slept beside my abuser, in the bed his late wife shared with him, I awoke with ill feelings, the room spinning, nauseated and suffered a migraine headache. These were the warning signs that I was in harm’s way. Right down to my abuser keeping his cell phone close to his hip, even listening to it during sex, were signs of his need to control and behavior so sick and inappropriate, it led me to learn that I was certainly in harms way. When I write this, my stomach turns, as I think about how much poison was in my life and just how much my life was in danger. He "appeared" to everyone as this quiet, reserved man, a nice guy most would assume. Unfortunately, the reality was pointed out to me when I was informed that Ted Bundy was considered a "nice guy" too.
HELL would continually attempt to smash my spirit it into a million pieces. Luckily, I am blessed with a wonderful family and an abundance of close friends that are happy to receive my love. With the strength of my spirit and love for myself, I am slowly rebuilding my life, one that honors my talents and gifts and also honors and acknowledges my wants, dreams and desires. I choose to lead a loving life, one that allows me to share my essence, and celebrate my spirit. I know that the life I led with my abuser would have cost me even more than I have endured, as I know I would have surely paid with my life.
What I know now…
I learned that NO father would be withheld from seeing their child, or know their whereabouts, or be excluded from having supervised visitation, unless prevented by court order. This indicates the presence of serious safety concerns, because NO parent is denied their parental rights, unless they have been declared unfit by a court. Therefore, HELL's “story” of how his first wife fled with his daughter is highly unlikely to be truthful. This was a HUGE RED FLAG that I failed to acknowledge because HELL claimed NO responsibility for his parental role and blamed everything on his spouse and mother-in-law.
I also learned that when a fifty year old man continues to believe and accept that sex between a nineteen year old male and a fourteen year old female is appropriate, there are serious concerns about poor judgment and decision making. This certainly indicates an impairment in his thinking process and his continual difficulty with understanding and setting appropriate limitations and boundaries that could have grave repercussions. It just shows more of HELL's illness.
I learned that most families have dialogue at the dinner table, rather than silence (detachment).
I also learned that it was not only hurtful and abusive to share anything personal and private about our relationship with HELL's children, it was extremely inappropriate and further encapsulated HELL's inability to set appropriate limits, maintain appropriate relationships and also validates HELL's lack of care and compassion, without conscience or remorse. It demonstrates malace and a disregard for others. (splitting). It also is inappropriate for a fifty year old man to seek guidance from his children on relationships.
I learned that it is inappropriate for a parent to SNEAK across the street to have sex with the sixty year old neighbor, leaving their child alone only three months after their spouse/parent died (detachment/neglect). HELL even expressed feeling guilty, but his disregard for others, inability to set appropriate limits or delay having his needs met were ignored. He went ahead without conscience or remorse.
I learned that the constant crisis and drama present is predominately dysfunctional and extremely unhealthy family system (histrionic/borderline/enmeshed).
I learned that no doubt, HELL's relationships will continue to be those where he will attempt to control and project his inadequacies, maintaining his victim and his rampant narcissistic behavior. He will have inappropriate relationships that he will attempt to rationalize and make excuses for, believing his justification for his inappropriate actions are adequate. Others may have reservations or question his behavior, only to be coerced by his relentless excuses. However, this is where his victims need to have a clear mind and know the reality. A questionable or inappropriate relationship, is most likely inappropriate. When we first met, he mentioned that his mother was trying to fix him up with her friend. INAPPROPRIATE!! A family relation is a family relation... get a clue! I would also be leary of the consenting party that is willing to engage in that scenario as well. EWWWWWWW!
I learned that I made excuses for HELL's behavior because I believed his stories of betrayal, hurt, abandonment and victimization by everyone in his life. The truth was that the stories were about himself and that he projected his anger and resentment onto me. HELL is a perpetrator, not a victim.
I know that HELL did not have the coping skills or ability to communicate his needs, making assumptions of how I “should” (judgment) know what his needs were. HELL stated to me that he was “hoping I would change.” How could someone say "I love you" and "I was hoping you would change" in the same sentence. This message articulated his need to control, his low self-esteem, and his anger and resentment. This was projected onto me with his abusive behavior.
I learned that I should have listened closer to the gratitude other family expressed for living so far from the drama and chaos.
I learned that the passive aggressive abuser inevitably fails to keep his word and appear or act as though he is going to great lengths to follow through with plans. However, the passive aggressive abuser will have you doing all the work. This became evident as HELL would take property from my home for his own use or benefit, and actively participate and encourage the refinance of my home. However HELL failed to keep his word, never following through or preparing his own home to sell and calously allowed me to suffer great financial loss. He basically lied and did not follow through with commitments he anxiously agreed to. HELL is selfish and lazy.
I learned that I could no longer be the "whipping boy" for HELL's anger and resentment. The final boundary my HELL crossed was the hurtfulness that involved my son. The sheer emotional torture my abuser inflicted kept increasing, and I could no longer endure his hurtfulness. My therapist has indicated on several occasions that the trauma I endured because of HELL's abuse has a recurrent impact on me that indicates Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I learned when his daughter stated to me, using great emphasis, that HELL was a very “passive” man, “very passive,” was another warning I did not listen to.
I learned that my abuser's expressed hatred for his father, even before I even met him, was certainly a big red flag that I should have been alarmed as again, he was attempting to control, using more splitting behavior.
I know that it was not only disrespectful, but odd and inappropriate that HELL had a need to keep his cell phone close by his side, activated and ready to answer while we had sex (control).
Imagine, these horrible and disrespectful behaviors inflicted on you.
I learned that HELL had an overwhelming need to control, expressing his anxiety when he was at my house and away his home. This was another BIG red flag. I sense he most certainly will not venture far, attempting to create a "normal" more complacent appearance. HELL expressed wanting a different life, yet he could not mold me to the model that was comfortable. Rest assured, he will find that complacency by finding another to purge his pain.
I learned that it is highly inappropriate for a father to buy their daughter a gift or even a gift card from Victoria’s Secret. EWWWWWWWW!!
I learned that having to have TWO surgeries, due to having precancerous cells, after my intimate encounters with HELL was another big sign. During the first surgery, I was heavily sedated and I did not recognize my abuser when he attempted to kiss me, as they wheeled me away into the operating room. When I awoke, the very first thing my abuser expressed was his anger at me not recognizing him. I had just had my cervix cut out of me and that was the first thing he would say to me. When I told him that I had to have a second surgery, he ignored me and never responded. My fiance, the man I would marry is no doubt A TRUE abuser and sick man.
I learned that my failure to set firmer boundaries and higher expectations of what I should have required from my abuser enabled him to continue his coercive behavior. When I did require expectations, asking my abuser to be considerate by telephoning me, he accused me of "keeping tabs" on him, and then the abuse escalated. My abuser could not tolerate any boundaries and was intolerant towards postponing getting his needs met. He even went so far as to underhandedly look for a condominium to purchase, neglecting to discuss it with me, during a time when I asked him that we slow our plans to move, as he was overwhelming me with his impatience.
I learned that I should have questioned further why my abuser has never established friendships or have a history of establishing any close friendships. Of course he had several excuses ("we moved a lot," "I was married")
I learned that my body was telling me over and over that there was something wrong. I began to have stomach pains and headaches on a continual basis, because deep down, I knew that there was something gravely wrong with HELL. When HELL told me that he had a brother with schizophrenia, I understood why I was seeing so many of the same symptoms, behaviors and responses by HELL, as the genetic and familial implications were so clearly evident. This also validated my concerns about the schizoid behaviors and traits I was witness to, and it later explained the narcissism and borderline behavior. HELL was hyper-vigilant, reacting to noises on my computer and my clothes dryer. He was also paranoid, accusing me of cheating because of the noises from my computer. HELL also had a secret, one I questioned and posed the possibility of the emotional pain it could cause. So when his daughter stated that HELL would never take his shirt off, knowing his secret, I had to cover up what I knew about HELL. Nothing but lies and secrets, drama and chaos.
I learned that dependency is a normal part of healthy relationships; however, it is not appropriate when I am coerced or devalued. HELL was constantly dramatic and accused me by stating “you weren’t there for me,” when he was not feeling well. He even went so far to take a photo of himself and sent it to my cell phone. I had offered to leave work to take him to the doctor. He indicated to me that "urgent care" would not be open until the afternoon. Although I stated to him that I would leave my job from downtown and drive the 40 miles to his house and take him another 30 miles to his doctor and back home, and then drive another 25 miles back to my home, I asked to see if his child could drive him, since he was out of school and a few minutes from his house. I also stated to let me know if he really needed me, and I would come. He never called me back and at the end of the day I called him and he stated that he drove himself to the doctor, and that "it was bad, really bad." By the end of the week, when HELL came over to my house, the first thing he did was sit on my couch and exclaim "you weren't there for me." At first I thought I was seeing a five year old child having a temper tantrum. However, I realized that this was another way for my abuser to bring chaos and drama into my life. He conveniently left out that fact that I stated to call if he really needed me, and the fact that he would have me leave my job, the job that would pay half the mortgage on our house and put a roof over the head of his children, rather than request his son drive him to the doctor, truly showed me the degree of control and hurtfulness my abuser possessed. This was his opportunity to once again, be a victim, a martyr, and bring drama and chaos into my life and seek power and control.
I learned that when HELL told me his mother had the expectation that he “should” know she is sick and she “shouldn’t” have to call and ask for help was the same histrionic, chaotic, unrealistic, borderline behavior that I would see later with my abuser. I sometimes have to shake myself to look at the reality of the family dynamics, reminding myself that his mother would move HELL's partially blind mother-in-law in with her, and shortly after, request she move out because she "felt like a prisoner in her own home." I am curious as to what she was thinking when she made the decision to share her home, and the responsibility it might entail. However, she suddenly became the victim of a partially blind woman, "a prisoner in her own home." This was just like my abuser telling me all the things HE had to do when his wife became ill, never articulating any compassion or care for her suffering a terminal illness. Suddenly, he was the victim as well, telling me all HE had to do while she was ill. He even went so far as to state the he "wished it was he that got sick" so he could get out of his marriage. This is clearly someone that does not exhibit any compassion, caring or remorse. This is sociopath behavior.
I learned that I should have listened closer to the family messages indicating that his late wife was a "Saint” or when her sister stated “she would have never left you,” or at the wedding of his late wife's nephew, when a family member said “this is the most I’ve heard him talk in over twenty years.” I learned that when I heard “she would have never left you,” may have very well acknowledged there was already an abusive cycle the family was aware of.
I learned the night my abuser quietly snuck out of my house, when he was childishly mad because he didn’t get attention was an absolutely HUGE, HUGE red flag of the maturity and level of emotional development I was dealing with. I acknowledge and know now just how sick that behavior was.
I learned that when someone tells me that their family members are having knife fights in their homes at 2 am, I need to stop, be alarmed and evaluate my relationship. (This clearly indicates dangerous, aggressive, and alarming out of control behavior and a BIG red flag that I should be fearful)
I learned that HELL's need for control, even in therapy, would explain why he never followed up with the help he so desperately stated he wanted for us. It most surely explains that he had managed to blur the boundaries of his therapeutic relationship and preventing any communication with me. Most interesting, that although he stated he wanted to change, he remains the same. I learned through my own difficult work that my abuser does not have the insight or capacity to acknowledge his dysfunction; his inappropriate relationships and behaviors, delusional thinking, paranoia, victim role, jealously, anger, resentment, lying, and hurtfulness is who he is.
I believed with all my heart and soul that HELL would NEVER hurt me, giving every ounce of loyalty, trust, commitment and love to this man. Can you imagine loving someone that would inflict such grave emotional damage on anyone? Can you imagine?
Having a relationship with someone with these schizoid, borderline and narcissistic characteristics and traits, is what I had suspected from the start. However, I desperately, in my codependent way, tried to give this man every benefit of the doubt, only to find out that the likelihood that my hope that the man my abuser promised me he was, was just another one of his delusions. I had "been had." The "poker face" remained, never animated, never giving a clue to who he was, or his state of well being. The "poker face" was easily "the con."
Remembering that a "pickle will always be a pickle" does not mean that it will EVER be a cucumber. Narcissists are the shifty car dealers you avoid, because you fearing you will be coerced into buying the lemon. HELL is certainly the BIGGEST lemon one could ever encounter.
Why your man is angry or mad at you in truth has very little, if anything, to do with you. You, to him, represent a figure of someone from his past. He has taken all of his frustrations - the emotional trauma he endured, the pain, neglect, abandonment, and betrayal that he has experienced at the hands of someone who should have loved him and turned that rage onto the person (you) who has chosen to love him.
If you are anything like me, you want to stay around and save him, right? You know that he needs someone to love him, someone who understands him and who can handle his mood swings and you believe that you are that person. You love him even though he has treated you like scrap more times than you care to remember.
It's sad to see someone we love suffer from some emotional baggage that is sucking the life from them and there is little we can do to help. But what is even more troubling is our willingness to be apart of their victimization by allowing them to victimize us on a routine bases.
There is a way out... there is always a way out of misery and despair. First, it begins with you deciding today that you have had enough and that the life you want for yourself will be better than the life you now know. You, just like your partner, must come face to face with the reality of who you are in your essence.
You, just like the person you want to save, will hopefully come to know that you were given this life, as an expression of celebration by your Creator. You were born loved, worthy, and understood before you were taught self doubt, lack, and unworthiness by another.
When someone loves you, you'll know it.
It doesn't come disguised in insults and actions that are incompatible with goodness and right action.
I can never sacrifice the essence of myself to be loved by someone who probably doesn't know love themselves.
I deserve to be happy, healthy, and free, not living a miserable existence under the control of a man who has no control over his emotions.
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
“I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.”
—Milton Berle
The next cycle of abuse has begun...
It's a saddening and shameful thought that the next woman has begun her cycle of abuse with my abuser. The honeymoon is so sweet, so unbelievably perfect and the thoughtful flowers, a cheap weekend trip and the trivial endearments have already swept my abuser's next victim into the abyss of sheer delight. Patiently, quietly, and as sure as the sun will shine, when the time is right and my abuser has gained his victim's trust and adoration, the table will slowly turn. The rope will tighten and the noose will be placed so gently that she will never notice. It starts with little remarks, ways he attempts to elevate his esteem. Whether he elaborates on his sexual encounters or your fabricated inadequacies, he will make you believe that he has been wanted by many and had by few. Since she will never question his motives, because "he loves me," she would never think about why would he need to visit a strip club for an occasional lap dance, masturbate daily or hide porn tapes in his work vehicle if there were women at his disposal. That is when he will begin to confuse her, question her genuineness, loyalty and love. That is when he will begin to unload the pain of his past on her. Low and behold, the moment she resists, questioning his motives, the noose will tighten, thrusting her further into the vortex, spinning into greater confusion, thinking "he loves me," until she believes his delusions and questions her own essence.
Please save yourself the pain and run now.
This is what happens when there is a predisposition genetically and an environment that creates an abuser. Not only was my abuser predispositioned to personality issues, that vulnerability was impacted by so many early childhood traumatic experiences, like his father leaving or the morning he woke to find his grandmother dead, that his "latching on" and quickness to fall in love is part of his abusive pattern, it is his personality. It is who he has become. It is who he is. This is also evidenced by his inability to understand metaphors, acronyms and analogies, as his "black and white thinking" made it difficult for him to connect abstract to his concrete world. Yet, because he appears "seemingly normal," the inappropriateness and latent coping skills are not apparent until you've found yourself at the bottom of the barrel. Then, when you begin to question yourself and recognize that you are not the person that you were when you entered this relationship, it suddenly becomes clear that you've been the victim of an emotional shark, an abuser attempting to rape you for the beautiful woman you've become and all the gifts and talents you share with the world.
I often question myself as to how his late wife managed to stay with this man, but as a mother myself, I also understand that we would do anything to provide for our children. Knowing that years prior to having children, my abuser told me he and his spouse connected with many years that they engaged in daily marijuana and frequent alcohol use. This was evidence of being "absent" from oneself and avoidant of the realities of dealing with relationships and learning to develop true intimacy.
One day at my abuser's home, he opened the kitchen cupboard and there was a mass of different types of alcohol stored in the cabinet. My eyes widened, and my abuser quickly responded, stating that it was "hers." This was just more of what he had not resolved, what he had not kept private, what he had not respected in a manner that would preserve his late wife's dignity. I know now that a man of character would have protected her memory and not have pointed the finger at his deceased wife, the mother of his children. Yet, laying blame was his knee jerk response to any and all events where he felt threatened or challenged.
I remember having a discussion with my abuser and what comes to the forefront of that event is not even the topic, it is the response of my abuser stating "it's not my fault!" The fact that it was a discussion and the response was so out of context, so child like, that once again, I thought I was talking to a five year old. This is because his ego is so underdeveloped that ANY perceived perception of being challenged or threatened, my abuser would divert the responsibility, withdraw, become the victim, and later passively abuse his victim. In addition, all the while he is seeking validation for the chaos he created and will split with whomever will help make sense of his external world. However, this is just one more clue of how chaotic my abuser's internal world is, as he attempts to project all his pain on everyone else.
I was meeting with a colleague/friend the other day, who asked me about what had happened to my broken engagement. After explaining to her the dynamics and after all the money lost, broken promises, inappropriate behaviors, she immediately responded "schizoid." Again, such a relief to hear from my colleague, as I explained to her that immediately after, another friend and clinician said to me that I was being abused. I told her how at the time, I could not believe what I was hearing and I never thought that I would have to spend over a year and a half in therapy trying to understand what happened to me. My colleague made it crystal clear to me. She said "that it is not unusual for a year to pass until you are able to see and understand someone with severe personality issues." "Even as professionals", she said "we often don't see it in our clients until a year later." "That is because we have to get to know them." She further went on and stated that "even with all of our experience and training, it is not unusual for us to be taken in as well." So, when she learned how I had lost so much money, how I had refinanced my home, changed phone plans because we were going to be on the "family plan," and all the repercussions from the finances alone, she could not believe it. I had "been had" by a very sick man.
Sadly, because of my abuser's early life trauma and abuse and never having the emotional support he needed to manage these events, my abuser spent his life navigating the world and figuring out how to get his needs met in unhealthy ways. Even more tragic is that never working through trauma or abuse prevents emotional development, resulting in primitive coping skills and child like behavior. For example, my abuser use to tell me that he and his late wife use to call one another vulgar names. This is child like behavior. Even more devastating is that unprocessed trauma prevents one developing into the person they were meant to be in this life. The "good soul" I had asked G-d to bring, would never emerge from this man.
In my fleeting thoughts, I can only pray that someday my abuser might know who he was meant to be in this life. Other than that, every day, I release all the negativity, anger, hurt, resentment, fear, illness, pain, heartache, tears, toxins, and all harmful feelings that dishonored my freedom, and overwhelmed my life for the past three years. I will not allow anyone to abuse me, even when they “say I love you.” That is the “devil” in disguise. Like the disease, you are cut from my heart and cut from draining my life of all kindness, caring, love and successes I bring into the world. These gifts are not to be taken advantage of, as I am a beautiful, kind and loving soul who deserves more. I will not settle and allow anyone to bring their hurtfulness, anger and pain into my life, so that they may feel better about themselves.
"Things to be Desired"
Desiderata ~Max Ehrmann
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.
By the way, Desiderata is Latin for "Things to be Desired."
Trust Betrayed...
The most difficult challenge is learning to trust again. It’s heartbreaking enough to learn that the person you thought would be the very last person to embrace you, to hold your hand and say “I love you” before taking your last breath, would be the abomination of every moral and character value you believe in. All the while, your abuser is making you believe he is exactly what you believe in, and lying in wait for you to commit your love.
It was early on in my relationship, when my abuser, lying next to me in my bed professed his love. Rather confused by this admission, I asked how he knew he was in love. His response was “it’s just a feeling, I just feel it.” What was it he loved? I had very mixed feelings about “being in love,” and wasn’t ready to commit at that very moment, but of course, my abuser said he “would wait for me.”
It would only occur after I had fell in love that my abuser would reveal many “abnormal” and inappropriate behaviors from his past, and those behaviors are still present in his life today. My trust and belief in my abuser allowed him to be absolved from these “abnormally” and inappropriate behaviors, as I was manipulated by the excuses he made for being irresponsible and unaccountable. I learned how my abuser used me to project all his feelings of inadequacy and self loathing onto me, manipulating and coercing me to believe that there was something wrong with me. It feels like a roller coaster ride that never stops. It ends when the ride pauses at the very top and your abuser pushes you off. The fall continues, long after it ends, as you wonder when the pain of being so manipulated and devastated by the person you trusted with your life will ever end.
My abuser caused me to have such financial repercussions that impacted my livelihood and ability to resume my life as I had prior to the relationship. We had planned on buying a home together and were engaged to be married. In the process of preparing for our life together, I had refinanced my home, accessing a large sum of money to purchase our new home. The cost of getting that money was over $4,000. The payment on the home I resided in went up $600 a month. I trusted that it would be a short time that I would be paying that mortgage, because after all, we were going to move into a new home, and I would rent my home. When it became too difficult to manage the new house payment, I had to draw on the money I took out of my home, money that I was already paying interest on, in order to make my house payment. The first year of the refinance, I paid over $16,000 in interest, more than double the interest I was paying, prior to the refinance. That $16,000 was not even for the entire year. The second year of that loan, I paid over $20,000 of interest for the year. The money I had drawn on to purchase our new home began to dwindle further. Unable
to manage financially any longer, I had to refinance my home once again, costing another $9,000 in fees. This one instance alone cost me well over $50,000. However, my abuser continues to absolve himself from any accountability or responsibility for the financial repercussions of moving forward to purchase our new home, even with all the emails and signed document I possess, indicating his active involvement and engagement in the process. This has exemplified the degree of deluded thinking and antisocial characteristics my abuser possesses. This is another example of the degree of sickness embodied by my abuser, someone without conscience or remorse, a person that would violate the trust of someone they declared they loved.
Not only did my abuser accuse me of “bringing all my past into the relationship,” to somehow try to further exonerate himself of accountability or responsibility, he articulated some very disturbing information about the therapy he engaged in. As a therapist and trainer, it became very apparent that his distortions of the therapy process were extremely compromised, as he would articulate impressions of his experience that clearly were not ethical for any therapist. Yet, my abuser would continue to challenge my profession, by his attempt to degrade and devalue my knowledge and experience. I was to believe that a high school drop out would supersede any of my experience and the graduate degree I received from one of the top ten schools in the country. This was another huge red flag.
No doubt, he drew upon the therapeutic process by utilizing whatever psycho education he received to feed into his narcissism, but sadly his lack of insight would continue to manifest his pain into the hurtful behaviors that kept him from any attachments or long-term meaningful relationships. My abuser articulated an abundance of excuses for the intermittent relationships he experienced that ended abruptly, leaving him with no meaningful acquaintances or long-term friendships over his lifetime. It is certainly a red flag when there are no other relationships in one’s life than immediate family.
If one is estranged from oneself, then one is estranged from others too. If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others. –Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Friendship with oneself is all important because without it one cannot be friends with anybody else in the world. –Eleanor Roosevelt
Jilted Bride Gets $150,000 Settlement!
Associated Press-A jury awarded 
a woman $150,000 after she sued her former fiancé for leaving her before the wedding. It was the case of the jilted bride for a jury in
The Associated Press
He does not know how to be sorry...
Many of us ended up in relationships with a narcissist because, in the beginning, our partners held up a false front. Many of us felt or thought that we had met our soul mate; found the perfect partner; met that one special person in the universe. It's no surprise that we can fall in love with someone like this!
Later, usually after we've made a binding commitment like marriage, or sometimes after children being born, a job change, or other major life changes, our narcissist partner shows a completely different side. The person who was once perfect now can become angry, demeaning, demanding, and harshly critical. From someone we have deep feelings for, these actions are brutal. Yet we may still have strong feelings of love pulling us to that person. Talk about being torn! At some point, many of us realize this situation needs to change, but feelings are not chosen. How can you overcome the love that pulls you to a narcissist who is abusing you? While you can't turn those feelings off like a switch, you can learn to understand where those feelings come from, and how our minds create them, and then set the stage for new feelings to develop - hopefully toward someone who's better for us. Narcissists, like all disordered people, aren't just hurtful. They also spin our reality to make theirs less painful. They project their problems onto us, and blame us for what they do. After a while it becomes hard to distinguish what is real from what is being projected and what is being distorted. We begin to doubt our reality and question whether we're the crazy ones. What's more, narcissists hide their problems very effectively, concealing their disease from most people, causing us further confusion. The truth is, THEY'RE NOT RIGHT. But they feel better when they can get us to carry the burden of their illness and their behavior. Abusive partners constantly work to distort our perception of what is happening and what is right and wrong, until we doubt our own judgment so much we can't make decisions. It then addresses the process of detaching to find safe space and to regain a sense of right and wrong, and searching to understand what we, as people, need in our lives - needs that often must be simply put aside to survive in these brutal situations. It deals with love, and the conflict of being in love with someone hurtful to us.
Richard Skerritt
Say no to Narcissism "Pathological narcissism pervades every facet of the personality, every behavior, every cognition, and every emotion. This makes it difficult to treat. Add to this the narcissist's unthinking and deeply ingrained resistance to authority figures, such as therapists and healing, or even mere behavior modification, are rendered unattainable." - Sam Vaknin
Narcissistic personality characteristics
Rigid, inflexible thinking - Anyone with a different approach is seen as personally attacking the narcissist. Rules rule, and some narcissists get inappropriately angry when they see little things, like grammar errors. They also overreact to the mildest criticism.
Cannot be wrong - The narcissist is never, ever wrong, and cannot accept responsibility for making a mistake, usually diverting the blame to others - ("It's not my fault. I lost that promotion because my team let me down").
Arrogant, boastful and pretentious - These are people with stupid/fake certificates and awards on their walls, the kind of people who exaggerate their accomplishments or use inflated job titles like "Engineer, Physicist" in their resume's.
Aggressive responses to criticism - ("How dare he criticize me? That lying bastard, I swear I'll get even, if it takes years"). This essay notes that it especially difficult to do anything critical with the narcissist because they see the criticism as a threat to their self, making them great fun during job performance reviews:
"Since the narcissist is incapable of asserting his or her own sense of adequacy, the narcissist seeks to be admired by others. However, the narcissist’s extremely fragile sense of self worth does not allow him or her to risk any criticism." Don Burleson-Blog
Later, usually after we've made a binding commitment like marriage, or sometimes after children being born, a job change, or other major life changes, our narcissist partner shows a completely different side. The person who was once perfect now can become angry, demeaning, demanding, and harshly critical. From someone we have deep feelings for, these actions are brutal. Yet we may still have strong feelings of love pulling us to that person. Talk about being torn! At some point, many of us realize this situation needs to change, but feelings are not chosen. How can you overcome the love that pulls you to a narcissist who is abusing you? While you can't turn those feelings off like a switch, you can learn to understand where those feelings come from, and how our minds create them, and then set the stage for new feelings to develop - hopefully toward someone who's better for us. Narcissists, like all disordered people, aren't just hurtful. They also spin our reality to make theirs less painful. They project their problems onto us, and blame us for what they do. After a while it becomes hard to distinguish what is real from what is being projected and what is being distorted. We begin to doubt our reality and question whether we're the crazy ones. What's more, narcissists hide their problems very effectively, concealing their disease from most people, causing us further confusion. The truth is, THEY'RE NOT RIGHT. But they feel better when they can get us to carry the burden of their illness and their behavior. Abusive partners constantly work to distort our perception of what is happening and what is right and wrong, until we doubt our own judgment so much we can't make decisions. It then addresses the process of detaching to find safe space and to regain a sense of right and wrong, and searching to understand what we, as people, need in our lives - needs that often must be simply put aside to survive in these brutal situations. It deals with love, and the conflict of being in love with someone hurtful to us.
Richard Skerritt
Say no to Narcissism "Pathological narcissism pervades every facet of the personality, every behavior, every cognition, and every emotion. This makes it difficult to treat. Add to this the narcissist's unthinking and deeply ingrained resistance to authority figures, such as therapists and healing, or even mere behavior modification, are rendered unattainable." - Sam Vaknin
Narcissistic personality characteristics
Rigid, inflexible thinking - Anyone with a different approach is seen as personally attacking the narcissist. Rules rule, and some narcissists get inappropriately angry when they see little things, like grammar errors. They also overreact to the mildest criticism.
Cannot be wrong - The narcissist is never, ever wrong, and cannot accept responsibility for making a mistake, usually diverting the blame to others - ("It's not my fault. I lost that promotion because my team let me down").
Arrogant, boastful and pretentious - These are people with stupid/fake certificates and awards on their walls, the kind of people who exaggerate their accomplishments or use inflated job titles like "Engineer, Physicist" in their resume's.
Aggressive responses to criticism - ("How dare he criticize me? That lying bastard, I swear I'll get even, if it takes years"). This essay notes that it especially difficult to do anything critical with the narcissist because they see the criticism as a threat to their self, making them great fun during job performance reviews:
"Since the narcissist is incapable of asserting his or her own sense of adequacy, the narcissist seeks to be admired by others. However, the narcissist’s extremely fragile sense of self worth does not allow him or her to risk any criticism." Don Burleson-Blog
A Letter to My Abuser...
I now know that it was not my fault and will no longer punish myself for your actions. I believe that you crossed my boundaries and disrespected me. And because I am building a better relationship with myself, I now know that I deserve better and have the right for my voice to be heard.
I will not excuse your behavior as being okay because your actions were inappropriate; however, I’ve decided that I am no longer going to hate or resent you. I do know that I will always be fearful that any further encounter with you could cause me grave physical, emotional and spiritual harm, jeopardizing my life further; however, part of healing fro
m the abuse and moving forward with my life is forgiving myself and placing the responsibility and accountability back to the abuser, the person that caused me harm. If you do not know what you have done (Narcissists will deny everything), I am completing my process of healing by writing my trauma narrative; recounting the hurtfulness and all the abusive and unkindness you purged onto me and in my life. I am telling your secrets.
My narrative is the emotional communications that have limited and restricted MY life for the past three years.
My narrative frees me from the pain and unkindness you brought into my life and gives the accountability and responsibility of the abuse to the abuser. My trauma narrative belongs to you. “It doesn't seem right that a relationship that should have been a legacy of love is a monument of misery.”
I revisited the countless situations from the beginning of our relationship; I learned that I had been "groomed" from the start into an abusive cycle and that my behavior was due to being emotionally badgered and reacting in self-defense. Fully trusting that my fiancé would always look out for my health and welfare and have my best interest at heart at all costs, my willingness to be abilging and accommodating was preyed upon.
No longer deluded by the language I was brainwashed with, there were very serious concerns from the beginning, with the flight of your first wife with your daughter and being denied contact or visitation, an uprising of health concerns I encountered after becoming intimate with you, and your admitting to visual hallucinations. These are only a few examples. Yet, giving you the benefit of the doubt, I made the choice to go into the mobile home park, to meet a high school drop-out sneaking across the street to have sex with his sixty year old neighbor. Unfortunately, my choice to be with an "air conditioning repair man," also brought other negative repercussions of being subjected to abuse. Although you would have me believe differently, that you were living in a "gated community" and were a "service technician," with a GED, the reality is that a pickle can only be a pickle! Trying to make me believe that a pickle could ever be a cucumber would NEVER happen. I don't expect, nor do I believe you have the capacity to look that introspectively and do the intense work needed to have an understanding of self or anyone else, but this is about my healing and returning the accountability and responsibility for all the abuse back to you. In addition, after you inflicted pain and hurt, you ran like a coward, as if you were a victim.
A crucial revelation was that you have never expressed accountability or responsibility on your part in this or with any of your relationships. In lieu of being a responsible adult, someone "doing better, being better" you abused me, through coercion, infidelity, withholding, anger, finances, disrespect, devaluing, shaming, degrading, exposing me to health risks and even being so hurtful as to go as far to threaten me. You did not have the right to cause me harm.
The truth is that there is no excuse for being abusive. Whether it's a learned reaction, or an expression, there is no excuse for treating someone like less than they are. There is no place in a relationship for fear, and there is no room in a relationship for inflicted pain. You did not have the right to abuse me to feel better about yourself or to take any entitlements that were not yours. You did not have the right to project your anger and resentment for my achievements and abuse and devalue me. It was my mistake to believe that you had risen above adversity. Abuse is abuse and you are accountable and responsible.
Forgiving is not condoning; and your hurtful actions have consequences. “Pain does not equal love, love equals love.” So, when you said to me that you didn’t realize how much you loved me I never imagined love to be so painful, so painful that I never would wish the hurt I’ve felt on anyone, not even you. Love is not abuse…abuse is not love… Now all I do is try to forget the man that never existed, the dream I was coerced to believe in. I continue to write my trauma narrative, telling all the secrets and exposing all the painful memories. Only now, no longer deluded from your brainwashing, I am only responsible for my part and you are accountable for the harm you caused.
ABUSE is NOT a secret!
You did not have the right to abuse me.
You can't hide that a bitter tasting pickle
will NEVER
will NEVER
One way of looking at emotional abuse is being denied the thing you need when you need it the most.
John Bradshaw says something similar to this.
He said we were most shamed at the times when we were most in need.
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