I have totally come full circle in understanding this relationship I was in and the family dynamics that I was dealing with. Having a better understanding of how I was faced with FOREVER being confronted with an enmeshed family system not only sickens me, but is so tragic for each of those family members as well. From a mother that relied on a son to be her husband, a father, a caretaker, a son, a brother, and housekeeper, when his job was to be a little boy, the man I had fell for was nothing more than a dream he could only hope to become one day. That voice in his head that emasculated him with her berating and guilt for the father that left is who he became, abandoning who he might have become.
I had always questioned the blurred boundaries he had with his children, using them as his confidants for sharing personal information about our relationship and his need to infantilize their development into adults, when they were already adults. After our break-up, there were a couple of close contacts that I still keep touch with that update me from time to time. I tell you, distance does wonders in really seeing who someone is and as much as I have learned though the support of a great therapist, there is nothing like taking a step back and really looking at the full picture. How frightful it is.
I am so blessed to have such peace in my life now. There is no constant chaos, no dramas, no mother having tantrums over holidays, no knife fights in the living room, no husbands being investigated by children’s services, no worries about flagrant spending sprees, and no lies. No dealing with fears of abandonment and a frenzy of “name tattoos.” There is no one in my life acting out and trying to constantly create drama and chaos for attention in order to feel alive, in order to feel love.
Classic Oedipal... and the narcissist. No matter how it's been explored, with my colleagues or in the therapeutic setting, there is no other rational for the irrational. The narcissist is an extremely underdeveloped ego, and that is who my abuser is, will always be and will continue to draw off the kindness and good intentions of others. The narcissist has nothing of value, of worth, and is unable to have any of his own kindness, good intentions or empathy for anyone else but himself. An intolerance to wait for having his needs met, any sign of resistance will always result in consequences.
I heard the new gal enjoys her wine, so perhaps that’s how she deals with it.
It saddens me that his daughter’s marriage didn’t work, yet it saddens me more that the cycle continues. Yet it is apparent that appropriate roles and boundaries within this family have not been established, as within a family, one person does not fulfill two different roles. However, it is very, very blatant that the craft of deluding oneself into believing that a “square peg goes into a round hole” is familial, because an excuse can be used to justify inappropriateness. When I heard the news, I was pretty mortified and yet, it just explained that much more. Perhaps only those with a keen sense and a savvy eye will be able to pick up on it.
When a family has NO boundaries, with adults that do not set boundaries for themselves and for their children, there is a continuation of that cycle into adulthood. Boundaries show appropriate respect, for one self, for others and for the limits of whom and what capabilities a person can achieve. Blurring boundaries and setting expectations for any individual that is developmentally latent or too mature can have grave consequences.
The other day I was driving to work and passed my abuser on the freeway. What a picture. My last vision of him he was wiping his nose with a Kleenex. Of course, I know that he would crumple it and throw it on the floor of the truck, just like he did in his car, blow his nose and throw the crumpled Kleenex on the floor. That was the last vision. Perhaps that’s a metaphor for how he treats people. No respect, no boundaries. Yes, outside is frightful.
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