"Yes, I had a good session," she replied.

Thich Nhat Hanh: Kindness Quote
Though we all have the fear and the seeds of anger within us, we must learn not to water those seeds and instead nourish our positive qualities – those of compassion, understanding, and loving kindness.

For the past three years, I have worked diligently, without wavering, to change the things in my life that were preventing me from not having successful relationships. Being a therapist myself, I understood the cycle of abuse, but never could understand how I exposed myself to the emotional chaos in my relationships. How could I? My relationships always felt right to me, because I always knew how to respond to the abuser, because I was taught early on. What I learned later on was that the abuser is one that continues to try to rob you of the person you are meant to be in this world. Although I had healed from that part of my past and moved on to achieve, my challenge now was to keep myself mindful of the dynamics in my relationships, and to trust myself, my instincts, my truth and not allow anyone make me believe through lies and manipulation that "a square peg fits into a round hole." I believe EVERYTHING was a lie and nothing I was looking at could have been truthful or real. When he took a sacred part of me and lied, then every part of the relationship was pure manipulation. Now that I have distance, I see a very different picture, a very ugly one of someone unkind and hurtful.





I sat here for a moment trying to think what I was going to write and then I came across two cards that I had bought to give to the new man in my life. I remember thinking how sweet this new man was, how wonderful I felt about this new relationship and the immense feelings I had inside, but that I didn’t want to pick out a card that displayed emotions that were too deep, lest he might think I would be falling for him too quickly. So I picked out two cards that were very sweet, one that said “whoever said that a kiss was just a kiss, never kissed you…” and another that said “life is so busy; if I could have five extra minutes each day… I’d make out with you like crazy for five minutes…”

Thinking back, I’m glad I never gave him these cards, as it only would have reinforced the power he wanted in the relationship. I have learned over my journey of dealing with passive aggressive men that you become the object, and once the honeymoon or “grooming phase is over, there is nothing but heartache and pain. No matter what you do, they will find a way to project their insecurities in hurtful ways out on you and make YOU believe that it is your fault, despite the lies and manipulation they continue to spew upon you.

There is no difficulty that enough love will not conquer.
No disease that enough love will not heal.
No door that enough love will not open.
No wall that enough love will not throw down.
No sin that enough love will not redeem.
It makes no difference how deeply seated may be the trouble,
how hopeless the outlook, how muddled the tangle,
how great the mistake, a sufficient realization of love
will dissolve it all...
If only you could love enough you would be
the happiest and most powerful being in the world.
Emmet Fox

This blog has been my recovery, my moving forward to a better relationship with myself. I have learned just how far I have traveled in my journey by my healing and my willingness to honor myself. Each step has brought me forward to a better day, to a new light of knowing that no person has the right to my breath, my life, my spirit, or the person that I choose to be, or the gifts that I bring and give to this world.

I have found it interesting that most passive aggressive men that I have met with abusive behavior have had detached paternal relationships. I had hope, I had faith that for the first time I had met a man with real emotion, real caring and tenderness, but at 52 years old, the likelihood of self-revelation or insight into his issues have just had band aid over band aid over the years. Sadly, through disgraceful behavior and projections, he broke my heart. I believed what he told me about the inadequacies of his wife, and his sister, and of his past relationships, but in reality, this was just more of his way to project his pain onto others. I certainly would question these estrangements, his ex-wife not even subjecting herself to verbal communication; but of course, reasons for the estrangements were entirely due to all of their short comings. Through some seemingly financial blunders and some huge elephants in the room that may have been the rift in his sibling disengagement, I would truly question to the tune of 12K his impulsive "housing investment" gone bad and the lack of motivation to even gain restitution for the loss. I was also to believe that his physician would prescribe medication for erectile dysfunction, just because he wanted to "make his sessions last longer," in spite of the fact that it would be irresponsible for any physician to prescribe such a medication that has serious side effects if it weren't actually needed. I have learned that it is not me wearing "rose colored glasses" anymore and I am saddened to know that all that work to try to manipulate others into believing so many untruths is so hurtful and self destructive.

So, after allowing myself to be vulnerable, and disclose the abuse that I incurred from my previous relationship, the most disturbing, hateful and sickening note that I received was his mention that he would have liked to know what my abuser would have shared about me.
This could only come from a man that would lie and manipulate and use his daughter and his mother in the process of his lies and manipulation. This could only come from a man that would say his wife cheated on him, only to find out later it was him that was unfaithful.
This could only come from a man that would answer his telephone at work and say "This is Dr. MW" and then deny he ever said it on his answer machine. Although I had to call three times to make sure I was hearing what I was hearing, the third time, I taped the recording, so I could bring it to my own therapist so she could actually hear that I wasn't going crazy.
I truly am sad, hurt and feel so sorry that he is such an angry and sad person. I just can't imagine ever wanting to be so hurtful to anyone. No one ever deserves to treat anyone that way.

An important factor to realize is that while the passive aggressive man is initially a charmer, who will have you believing you are the best thing since "cream cheese," unfortunately to him, you are not special, because he is also manipulating others as well. Also remember that nothing is "off limits" to the passive aggressive abuser, as they will use anyone or anything as the lambs for their manipulation, even their children and their mother. When I realized that he actually used his daughter in a lie, that was enough for me, that was probably as low as anyone could be. That would make anyone question whether his motives are for financial gain or truly paternal. That made me sick.

So, when I hear him threaten me, I know what I am dealing with. This is why I post my blog, to tell the story of emotional abuse to others, to tell of the emotional abusers out there and so there are no secrets. Emotional abuse is NOT a secret.

I had understood early on, about the dynamics between his father and mother, and the womanizer who would eventually leave him when he was just a little boy. Sadly, events like these have enormous impact on a child, one that naturally influenced his behavior and the relationships he has had with women during his life. His paternal role model was the person that has most likely impacted how he relates to women. In addition, another set of unfortunate occurrences would also impact his emotional development and without a doubt cause grave emotional trauma. I have absolutely NO doubt that the hatefulness, anger, hurt, lies, deception and pain that he attempted to project out on me was the trauma of his early childhood. Sadly those events, and never getting help are the behaviors that last a lifetime.

So, to simply stop drinking, to stop abusing women, to stop spending money, or lying, and to use G-d’s word to absolve oneself from abhorrent behavior, does not change that no matter how hard this man tries, his behavior is like his father's. This is what he was modeled as a child and this is what he knows. He is an abuser, a charmer.

This is a life out of control.

I have been quiet, been watchful and observed. I have said nothing, while he has spoke loud and clear to me who he was. I had often hoped and prayed that it wasn’t true, but my instincts and senses often spoke to me, my angels pushed my spirit. I had allowed myself to be vulnerable physically and trust more than I ever should have chanced. I believe I allowed this because I truly feel that deep down there is goodness in people, but there are those who have been so wounded in life that they have no other way to protect themselves but to habitually lash out and hurt others. Unfortunately, they don’t realize that the pain and hurt they are trying to bring to others is the pain and hurt they have suffered themselves. They don’t understand that good kind people are here loving them. Sadly, until those wounds are healed, the emotional turmoil keeps one from being open to embrace love, have balance, show compassion, feel gratitude, or accept divine grace.

No one struggled with acceptance of who you are more than you and I never deserved to pay for your self loathing and self hate. That is entirely YOUR inside job.

May all beings be filled with joy and peace.
May all beings everywhere, the strong and the weak,
The great and the small, the mean and the powerful,
The short and the long, the subtle and the gross:
May all beings everywhere, seen and unseen,
Dwelling far off or nearby, being or waiting to become:
May all be filled with lasting joy.
Let no one deceive another,
Let no one anywhere despise another,
Let no one out of anger or resentment
Wish suffering on anyone at all.
Just as a mother with her own life
Protects her child, her only child, from harm,
So within yourself
Let grow a boundless love for all creatures.
Let your love flow outward through the universe,
To its height, its depth, its broad extent,
A limitless love, without hatred or enmity.
Then as you stand or walk, sit or lie down,
As long as you are awake,
Strive for this with a one-pointed mind;
Your life will bring heaven to earth.
Sutta Nipata

I am thankful to know that the work I have done for over three years has helped me to identify situations where I am being groomed into an abusive situation. I had been patient, waiting to embark on a new relationship, yet, I was afraid of being in a situation where I would find myself struggling again. It was time for me to move forward and I was certain that if I didn't move forward with my life and have a relationship, I would struggle forever. One thing was for sure, I could not allow myself to be the enabler, to alter my truth, to believe distorted excuses, nor to accept the responsibility for anyone's pain. As much as I was fearful, I could no longer give my life over to the abusive relationships that attempted to control me, and deny myself the happiness I deserve, the joy of having a healthy, loving relationship.

Initially, I had hoped that the sweet charm I was seeing was authentic, but after a while, the sweet charm was clearly manipulation. One thing about the passive aggressive man is that they distort reality and will have you believe that you are the crazy one. He mocked me and was condescending, when I brought up the issue of his inappropriate and disrespectful language with other women on his Facebook page. When I suggested that he was inappropriate, instead of correcting the behavior, he deleted me from his page. Of course he distorted and manipulated why he deleted me and even said he was “never on his Facebook page.” Although his page had frequent activity, with frequent adding and deleting of friends and changes in his profile picture, he still expected me to believe he was never there. If I questioned him, I was berated for asking, although this was suppose to be someone falling in love with me, someone who cared about my best interest and valued me. This is how my insight into the behaviors of abusive men comes into play, plus my supportive network of and professionals that help me to remain grounded so I don’t slip into they cycle of an abusive relationship.

He also mocked my connection with mindfulness practice. To mock another person's connection with their spiritual values and beliefs is an grievous display of degradation and disrespect, one that is discriminating, prejudice, and a display of ignorance and hate. My true failing was at that point, I allowed this man to remain in my life. At that moment, when I tried to share heartfelt affection about my spirit life, this man mocked me, yet he claimed to care for me and love me. I failed myself by allowing him to remain in my presence. I have forgiven myself and have learned a new lesson. No person with caring, compassion or love in their heart would hurt another human being in such a way to mock their spiritual beliefs.

Another indicator is that “normal” people will apologize and not run from hurting loved ones. Normal people don’t tell someone you are in love with them and then withhold love. That is abuse. This man ran and continued to distort the reality of his bad behavior. He continued to project his hurtfulness in other ways on to me and compound the hurt. It’s like shooting someone with a gun and even though they’re not moving, you run over them with a car too. That is not normal. All of this, including the drinking have been the symptoms of a much deeper issue.

The 12-step community is supportive of the drinking issue, however this is much deeper than any con trying to con another in program. It is not a spiritual awakening or a distortion of “your G-d’s” word to rationalize bad behavior to gain simple forgiveness for being infallible. It is more hard work than he will ever know, and from what I have experienced in this relationship, just to start with hard work is the beginning for him. Denial is still the sea he swims in.

Work as if you will live forever
Love as if you will die today
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


I continue to learn my valuable lessons and know that I cannot expect that others can have the ability to look introspectively at what is too painful for them, but I know that I do not have to be the object of another person's pain. I don’t have the need to make any abuser “right” or to please the abuser any more. That means, I am no longer the victim to the abuser’s painful past and I am no longer the enabler. However, as cunning and manipulative as abusers are, they will always find someone who will enable or accommodate for their bad behavior.

What is joyful for me is that I recognize that I no longer am safe in an abusive relationship, and I can recognize it and understand the beginning stages. Yes, he pulled deeply at my heart strings, as I felt there was chemistry that may have been genuine, had he been genuine, had he not coerced me into a relationship with false pretense and deceptiveness. Yet, I will never know, because unfortunately his true self was frail, insecure, and fearful and never present in the relationship. I only dealt with the defensive part; the part that was protecting him self from the abandonment and hurt that was longing to be loved. I suspect he is unaware, and I am saddened, as I wish for him to be able to heal that angered part of him, the part that has been repressed for so long. There is only so long you can keep a lid on a boiling pot, and things do creep out. Until those issues are resolved, the response to situations will continue to remain the same. Unfortunately, whether he understands, wants to admit it, or acknowledges it, he is also modeling behavior. Children sense and see everything.

One thing I know for sure; people don't do anything without a reason. There is always a reason or a cost / benefit to why people behave they way they do. Sometimes, there are those that have the need to behave hurtful, at the cost of others. Until they are able to find another way, they will always be hurtful, and put their pain out on others. For today, I pray he will find another way.
For today, I pray I won't tell him that what he did was okay.

I can't fault others for what they don't know. I can forgive. I also know that responsibility lies in the hands of the abuser to change.



The lessons I have learned I share with others so they might have the opportunity to learn, endure, breath, wish, hope, be heard, laugh and feel joy again.
No one has a right or entitlement to the gifts you bring into this world.

Love between two people is such a precious thing. It is not a possession.
I no longer need to possess to complete myself.
True love becomes my freedom
Angela L. Wozniak



.....and there you let her go right out the door.....