A Letter to My Abuser...

I am writing to let you know that I can no longer hold my feelings in about the past. I am in the process of healing, and as I move forward, I need to assert my feelings. I cannot let the things that have happened between us affect me any longer. I do not take accountability for the abuse that I endured during our relationship. However, I do give this responsibility to you.

I now know that it was not my fault and will no longer punish myself for your actions. I believe that you crossed my boundaries and disrespected me. And because I am building a better relationship with myself, I now know that I deserve better and have the right for my voice to be heard.

I will not excuse your behavior as being okay because your actions were inappropriate; however, I’ve decided that I am no longer going to hate or resent you. I do know that I will always be fearful that any further encounter with you could cause me grave physical, emotional and spiritual harm, jeopardizing my life further; however, part of healing from the abuse and moving forward with my life is forgiving myself and placing the responsibility and accountability back to the abuser, the person that caused me harm. If you do not know what you have done (Narcissists will deny everything), I am completing my process of healing by writing my trauma narrative; recounting the hurtfulness and all the abusive and unkindness you purged onto me and in my life. I am telling your secrets.

My narrative is the emotional communications that have limited and restricted MY life for the past three years.

My narrative frees me from the pain and unkindness you brought into my life and gives the accountability and responsibility of the abuse to the abuser. My trauma narrative belongs to you. “It doesn't seem right that a relationship that should have been a legacy of love is a monument of misery.”

I revisited the countless situations from the beginning of our relationship; I learned that I had been "groomed" from the start into an abusive cycle and that my behavior was due to being emotionally badgered and reacting in self-defense. Fully trusting that my fiancé would always look out for my health and welfare and have my best interest at heart at all costs, my willingness to be abilging and accommodating was preyed upon.

No longer deluded by the language I was brainwashed with, there were very serious concerns from the beginning, with the flight of your first wife with your daughter and being denied contact or visitation, an uprising of health concerns I encountered after becoming intimate with you, and your admitting to visual hallucinations. These are only a few examples. Yet, giving you the benefit of the doubt, I made the choice to go into the mobile home park, to meet a high school drop-out sneaking across the street to have sex with his sixty year old neighbor. Unfortunately, my choice to be with an "air conditioning repair man," also brought other negative repercussions of being subjected to abuse. Although you would have me believe differently, that you were living in a "gated community" and were a "service technician," with a GED, the reality is that a pickle can only be a pickle! Trying to make me believe that a pickle could ever be a cucumber would NEVER happen. I don't expect, nor do I believe you have the capacity to look that introspectively and do the intense work needed to have an understanding of self or anyone else, but this is about my healing and returning the accountability and responsibility for all the abuse back to you. In addition, after you inflicted pain and hurt, you ran like a coward, as if you were a victim.

A crucial revelation was that you have never expressed accountability or responsibility on your part in this or with any of your relationships. In lieu of being a responsible adult, someone "doing better, being better" you abused me, through coercion, infidelity, withholding, anger, finances, disrespect, devaluing, shaming, degrading, exposing me to health risks and even being so hurtful as to go as far to threaten me. You did not have the right to cause me harm.

The truth is that there is no excuse for being abusive. Whether it's a learned reaction, or an expression, there is no excuse for treating someone like less than they are. There is no place in a relationship for fear, and there is no room in a relationship for inflicted pain. You did not have the right to abuse me to feel better about yourself or to take any entitlements that were not yours. You did not have the right to project your anger and resentment for my achievements and abuse and devalue me. It was my mistake to believe that you had risen above adversity. Abuse is abuse and you are accountable and responsible.

Forgiving is not condoning; and your hurtful actions have consequences. “Pain does not equal love, love equals love.” So, when you said to me that you didn’t realize how much you loved me I never imagined love to be so painful, so painful that I never would wish the hurt I’ve felt on anyone, not even you. Love is not abuse…abuse is not love… Now all I do is try to forget the man that never existed, the dream I was coerced to believe in. I continue to write my trauma narrative, telling all the secrets and exposing all the painful memories. Only now, no longer deluded from your brainwashing, I am only responsible for my part and you are accountable for the harm you caused.

ABUSE is NOT a secret!

You did not have the right to abuse me.

You can't hide that a bitter tasting pickle
will NEVER taste like a cucumber.

Having Your Needs Denied

One way of looking at emotional abuse is being denied the thing you need when you need it the most.

John Bradshaw says something similar to this.

He said we were most shamed at the times when we were most in need.

My Abuser - Covert Passive Aggressive: A Grown Man With a Child's Ego...

Passive Aggressive Behavior Defined:
Passive Aggressive behavior is a form of covert abuse. When someone hits you or yells at you, you know that you've been abused. It is obvious and easily identified. Covert abuse is subtle and veiled or disguised by actions that appear to be normal, at times loving and caring. The passive aggressive person is a master at covert abuse.

Passive aggressive behavior stems from an inability to express anger in a healthy way. A person's feelings may be so repressed that they don't even realize they are angry or feeling resentment. A passive aggressive can drive people around him/her crazy and seem sincerely dismayed when confronted with their behavior. Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive aggressive often feels that others misunderstand them or, are holding them to unreasonable standards if they are confronted about their behavior.

Common Passive Aggressive Behaviors:
• Ambiguity: I think of the proverb, "Actions speak louder than words" when it comes to the passive aggressive and how ambiguous they can be. They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. The best judge of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act. Normally they don't act until after they've caused some kind of stress by their ambiguous way of communicating.

• Forgetfulness: The passive aggressive avoids responsibility by "forgetting." How convenient is that? There is no easier way to punish someone than forgetting that lunch date or your birthday or, better yet, an anniversary.

• Blaming: They are never responsible for their actions. If you aren't to blame then it is something that happened at work, the traffic on the way home or the slow clerk at the convenience store. The passive aggressive has no faults, it is everyone around him/her who has faults and they must be punished for those faults.

• Lack of Anger: He/she may never express anger. There are some who are happy with whatever you want. On the outside anyway! The passive aggressive may have been taught, as a child, that anger is unacceptable. Hence they go through life stuffing their anger, being accommodating and then sticking it to you in an under-handed way.

• Fear of Dependency: From Scott Wetlzer, author of Living With The Passive Aggressive Man. "Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn't depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support."

• Fear of Intimacy: The passive aggressive often can't trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone. A passive aggressive will have sex with you but they rarely make love to you. If they feel themselves becoming attached, they may punish you by withholding sex.

• Obstructionism: Do you want something from your passive aggressive spouse? If so, get ready to wait for it or maybe even never get it. It is important to him/her that you don’t get your way. He/she will act as if giving you what you want is important to them but, rarely will he/she follow through with giving it. It is very confusing to have someone appear to want to give to you but never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking too much which is exactly what he/she wants to you to feel.

• Victimization: The passive aggressive feels they are treated unfairly. If you get upset because he or she is constantly late, they take offense because; in their mind, it was someone else's fault that they were late. He/she is always the innocent victim of your unreasonable expectations, an over-bearing boss or that slow clerk at the convenience store.

• Procrastination: The passive aggressive person believes that deadlines are for everyone but them. They do things on their own time schedule and be damned anyone who expects differently from them.

The Passive Aggressive and You:
The passive aggressive needs to have a relationship with someone who can be the object of his or her hostility. They need someone whose expectations and demands he/she can resist. A passive aggressive is usually attracted to co-dependents, people with low self-esteem and those who find it easy to make excuses for other's bad behaviors.

The biggest frustration in being with a passive aggressive is that they never follow through on agreements and promises. He/she will dodge responsibility for anything in the relationship while at the same time making it look as if he/she is pulling his/her own weight and is a very loving partner. The sad thing is, you can be made to believe that you are loved and adored by a person who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone.

The passive aggressive ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical.

The passive aggressive will say one thing, do another, and then deny ever saying the first thing. They don't communicate their needs and wishes in a clear manner, expecting their spouse to read their mind and meet their needs. After all, if their spouse truly loved them he/she would just naturally know what they needed or wanted. The passive aggressive withholds information about how he/she feels, their ego is fragile and can't take the slightest criticism so why let you know what they are thinking or feeling? G-d forbid they disclose that information and you criticize them.

Confronting the Passive Aggressive:
Beware, if you confront the passive aggressive he/she will most likely sulk, give you the silent treatment or completely walk away leaving you standing there to deal with the problem alone.

Inside the Passive Aggressive:
The passive aggressive has a real desire to connect with you emotionally but their fear of such a connection causes them to be obstructive and engage in self-destructive habits. He/she will be covert in their actions and it will only move him/her further from his/her desired relationship with you.

The passive aggressive never looks internally and examines their role in a relationship problem. They have to externalize it and blame others for having shortcomings. To accept that he/she has flaws would be tantamount to emotional self-destruction. They live in denial of their self-destructive behaviors, the consequences of those behaviors and the choices they make that cause others so much pain.

The passive aggressive objectifies the object of their desire. You are to be used as a means to an end. Your only value is to feed his/her own emotional needs. You are not seen as a person with feelings and needs but as an extension of him/her. They care for you the way they care for a favorite chair. You are there for their comfort and pleasure and are of use as long as you fill their needs.

The passive aggressive wants the attention and attachment that comes with loving someone but fears losing his/her independence and sense of self to his/her spouse. They want love and attention but avoid it out of fear of it destroying them. You have to be kept at arms length and if there is an emotional attachment it is tenuous at best.

The only hope for change in the way they deal with relationship issues is if they are able to acknowledge their shortcomings and contributions to the marital problems. Facing childhood wounds, looking internally instead of externally to find the cause of problems in their life will help them form deeper emotional attachments with a higher sense of emotional safety.

His name is Bernie Madoff

Tonight, I'm sitting here watching 20/20 and they're doing a piece on Bernie Madoff. Interestingly, the interview included the bodyguard who worked for him. He indicated that Madoff was a sociopath. That he had no conscience, no remorse, no empathy for the destruction he caused, and he did not even flinch over two of the victims that lost their entire savings, and then committed suicide. Madoff even had deceived his secretary. She worked for him for over twenty years, and in her interview, said that she loved Madoff, but when she found out about what he was doing, she also stated that he did not have any remorse on conscience for what he did. She was his dedicated secretary, and never questioned or believed that he would have an "evil side."

I immediately was reminded of my abuser. Like Madoff, I wondered if he fooled his late wife. After all, he fooled me, so how he stayed married for twenty years would indicate an extremely tolerant kind individual or just another victim he fooled, just like so many others. From the secrets he told me, I now understand how the cycle of abuse was so prevalent in his twenty year marriage. The red flags, the secrets, were revealed to me by my abuser, unaware that when he told me about his marriage, he gave me the information that clearly indicated an emotionally abusive relationship.

Sadly, the ending of his marriage was due to his spouse's terminal illness, making a greater statement about the level of tolerance that one would have to dedicate the remainder of your life to share with your children and become further dependent on your abuser. Knowing that, I waited to hear words of kindness and adoration for the woman he loved, the mother of his children, only to hear about his sufferings and grief as a caretaker. Mortified? Yes! This truly gave me greater compassion for the woman I would never know, the woman who would have longed to have the love of her life to comfort her and embrace her in moments of intimacy, compassion and tenderness, as she transitioned to be with the Lord. Yet, what remains with me is the the secrets he shared with me about his marriage, the hurtfulness, shaming and unkind words they exchanged, the isolation and his dreams that there was something "better" for him.

Yet, maligning his late wife's name would not be sufficient to sway me. It was brought to light one hot summer day as I recall the time I sat on a crate in his garage, weathering the heat of summer, working tirelessly and sweating profusely, helping to discard the financial records his wife left behind. I also recall sitting on the floor in his bathroom, helping to clean out his wife’s toiletries, so I could find my own spot in the small area he invited me into. Although I offered to help, I learned that he had not honored his wife by keeping her place, her home or her belongings sacred. Nor was he accountable or responsible to ensure that their life together was respected. He had not closed one door before opening another. Furthermore, this brings to light that not only was he irresponsible and unaccountable to his previous relationship, in his incessant need to move forward with another relationship, I was denied my privacy, respect and dignity as well.

This was a huge sign that I did not see from the start, yet, there was a well established pattern that demonstrated a lack of compassion, remorse, accountability or responsibility. An abuser will continually blur the boundaries, in spite of the repercussions to others and justify how their actions are appropriate.

For the abuser, it is about getting his needs met, even allowing the emotional needs of other suffer. The secrets he told me were clear, as he revealed that just a couple months after his wife died, he began sneaking across the street to have sex with his sixty year old neighbor, even though he would be leaving his teenage son home alone. He expressed he "felt "guilt," but in spite of that guilt, he continued to sneak across the street, leaving his son alone and unsupported. When that relationship ended he stated that she got a "vaginal infection" and placed blame to her and he "didn't know why" the relationship ended. Later, after working through the disbelief that I was being emotionally tortured, I understood that these situations were indicators of a truly emotionally detached person, unable to empathize or express true compassion of another person's plight, unable to be fully present and participate in relationships of intimacy, caring and love.

RED FLAG! My abuser articulated how his behavior(s) were justified, using his constant portrayal of victimization. More secrets... he was "miserable the last five years of his marriage," or that he had entitlement to his behavior indicating, "I can't wait for everyone else to be ready to move on." How ever, the abuser is NEVER absolved from their accountability and responsibility. More secrets...

This showed me someone that is not responsible, or accountable for their behavior or able to establish healthy relationships. My abuser brought continual crisis and chaos into my life!

Like Madoff, I had also been financially abused in my relationship and like Madoff, my abuser took no responsibility or accountability for the damage he did. After purchasing airline tickets months earlier for my son's graduation my abuser used this very important event in my life to taunt me, vacillating on whether he would attend, watching me suffer and cry endlessly over his hurtful need to have me "lay in wait" and endure his selfishness. He even remarked to me how he thought my hurt and crying was "too much." How he could ever rationalize what he was doing would never be known. Later, I found out that this is a tactic of a Narcissist, using an event or situation that was knowingly of high importance to initiate chaos and drama and be in control. Yet my abuser would have me believe that everything was about me bringing “all my past” into this relationship. Again, avoiding responsibility and accountability to the relationship.

Understanding the dynamics the relationship with my abuser, most certainly, past behavior will predict the future. So to think that the man I loved and adored would go off to work, as I lie dying in our bed at home, will never leave my thoughts. Interestingly, the day Mr. Madoff may possibly face the same predicament, he will also be absent, his secrets landing him in prison. His secrets revealed the abuse he inflicted on others, the life-long repercussions, and the crimes that led to his incarceration because his secrets were told. Tell me how is my abuser any different? One person's life is just as fragile as the many Madoff destroyed.

"The real test of humanity begins in the

realization that God or the energy of creation is not an outside influence but rather a pulse of energy that resides in every soul, including you."

To His Children...

I wish for you to know how sorry I am, because just as you couldn’t know what life was like for me, I was unaware how it was for you. I wish I had known, but sadly, I only knew what I was told. I was isolated, and that isolation kept me uncertain and alienated from knowing when and where I would be welcomed, and even estranged me from my best friend. I know how it feels to lose a mother at a very young age, so I tried to be mindful and sensitive towards the relationship with your father. However, I can only tell you the stories presented to me, as every question I could think of, I had addressed. I needed to be certain of his intentions, character, integrity and the commitment to fostering a new relationship.

Although no one knew what life was like for me, I can tell you that I never felt ill will towards anyone, nor were any of my intentions with purpose to be unkind. I only knew the stories I was told and the secrets shared with me. Yes, there were secrets revealed in the picture that was painted for me, but my belief, trust, unwavering love and my hope for the future kept me in my place, never questioning what was revealed to me. My love and loyalty held on to the secrets. That distorted picture led me to question myself and start to believe that there was something wrong with me. I was devastated, learning that none of my experience was authentic; my hope became the Achilles’ heel, making me vulnerable for hurtfulness and coercion. Being cautious about assumptions and judgments, I kept on believing until my heart was repeatedly battered, then it burst.

I am not an unkind person, but that does not mean I have to accept the unkindness of anyone, especially when I become the “whipping boy” for another person’s pain. It was like I was in a vortex, being spun around; uncertain of myself and trusting the man that said he loved me. I could not understand how I could be loved and adored, then suddenly devalued, berated and accused of such horrible things. I later learned that these “horrible things” were happening to me. The berating and accusing coerced me into taking responsibility for the behavior, because after all, I had begun to doubt myself, so he must be right. I did not know that what lay before me was a year and a half of intense trauma therapy to deal with the physical, financial, spiritual and psychological aftermath of being emotionally abused. I have learned how the secrets that were told to me carried the same message, over and over…that had I been more mindful, perhaps I would have trusted my instincts and acknowledged the red flags from the start. Was it so wrong for me to be hopeful?

“Do not judge me for the window within my view,

A window with a different picture than the one he meant for you.

Do not judge me for the window that became,
The place to hide his secrets and the source of all my pain.”
~Anonymous~

No one says “I love you”
...and then “I was hoping you would change.”

No longer can I hold on to the secrets, as I have learned that my value and worth cannot be threatened or coerced into silence. I have been writing my narrative, telling the secrets that were shared with me, the secrets used to control me and the secrets of unkindness that NEVER belonged to me.

I can no longer hold on to what isn’t mine, so I continue to write my narrative and speak of the secrets, over and over, bringing a voice for healing and an ear for what needs to be heard… for what needs to be heard...NEVER again hiding what needs to be heard.

Abuse is NEVER a secret.

My apologies if there was a single moment that you ever felt that I was uncaring, and if the stories or pictures depicted to you portrayed any indifference. It is important to express my regrets and to let go of fearing the unkindness and threats that kept me silent. It is important, for healing, to be accountable and responsible, so I may move towards living my life once again. I know my truth, the person I am, the essence of me, and with that, I will always wish you well.

I am wishing you well.

Please receive these words of loving kindness, as I have opened my heart to wish them for you.
May you give this loving kindness to yourself and to others.

May you be safe and protected from danger

May you be happy and peaceful
May you be healthy and strong
May you have ease and well being
May you be free from stress and anxiety

May you be free from all fear and worry
May you feel calmness and contentment
May you have meaningful work
May you accept yourself, just as you are
May you experience great joy.

Above all, may you have love.

Tend to your vital heart, and all that you worry about will be solved. -Rumi

To learn more about what I know for sure, please visit: http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/

Get out of your pajamas!!

I wake up every day and ask myself if this will be the day. Will this be the day that I will start to live again? I have good intentions and believe that with every moment that I’m awake that this is the moment that life begins again. I realize that today will not be the day, just like all the other days that have passed me by, where I have tirelessly worked to live as if I was living, so that no one would suspect or think that I was not a survivor. Tired and embarrassed of the friends and family that tell me to move on with my life, it’s easier to remain in the isolation that was created for me by my abuser, then to venture out and participate, trying to hide any glimmer of desperation and pain. So, today would not be the day that I start living, just like all the other days that have passed by, during the past year and a half. In my silent pain, no one imagines what it’s like, what it is to wake every day and be reminded that the future is no longer here, that the past was a sickening betrayal of my incredible faith, belief and trust in another human being, a person that embodies every character of emotional unwellness, of an abuser.

Maybe tomorrow, yes tomorrow, I will get out of bed when the alarm goes off and be ready for work on time. I will get out of my pajamas before the afternoon, maybe eat something other than the prescription medication that would help me think, focus and organize my life. Oh yes, organize my life. So, perhaps today would be the day the hole in my heart would close and I could take a deep breath and live again. Today might be the day that I can think, focus and organize my life, without that nagging veil of blackness that travels to the center of the hole in my heart. Deep in that hole, I hide a wailing, a screaming pain that begs to be set free. If only that pain could erupt and flow I might one day get out of my pajamas. It’s like a tsunami, waiting, making me suffer in my deep hidden painful silence.

I am a farce, I am a fool and I let a psychotic, sociopath touch the center of my being. Isn’t there another soul in this world that understands? This is a beating of a different kind, one that has moved me into a place in my life where I never thought I could ever be. The horror is that not only has my perpetrator managed to be a covert abuser, who has managed to keep his actions secretive, the abuse is minimized or discounted. A physical beating would have let me move forward. Only then would the world understand, because only scars and bruises will evoke compassion and understanding. The emotional horror I’ve endured has severe and long-lasting repercussions.

Imagine that, you’re not crazy, but it seems that, with every beat of your heart you wait patiently, hoping, wishing you might waken from this dream to see the person you loved by your side, comforting you and telling you that all is well, it’s only a dream. That the breath that brings you life, will be the breath that helps you out of your dream and into living freely as you had did once before. It just might be the breath that gets you out of
those pajamas.

"When you see a snake,
never mind where he came from."
~W. G. Benham