Can the person you love do what it takes to be in a committed long-term relationship?
My abuser promised me that, he would do whatever it would take to work on our relationship at all times. Although he said he would do “the work” his promises, his words were nothing more than lies. All the emails, cards, letters, promises that he would be patient, kind and supportive, was merely coercive tactics and not the person he claimed he was. Believe me, once I noted that what he said and what he actually followed thorough with was evident in his behavior. Lacking the accountability, character and integrity to be trusted, my abuser would say one thing and do another. The evidence was ALL in his word, actions and behaviors right from the start. His initial promises were just part of the grooming process and cycle of abuse. It didn’t matter to him the things he said, as long as his narcissistic needs were met and that he could keep on feeding his attempts to gain his self-worth. His neediness and coerciveness were ways to control me, to win my heart, so much so, that I actually wanted to have a wedding, just so I could stand in front of everyone near and dear to us and let everyone know how much I loved this man. To find out that he was nothing more than an abuser, was heart breaking. Yet, it was easy for him to say things that he would never be accountable to, because he is detached from emotions, from experiencing the true connection of being in a loving and intimate relationship.
Whenever
I think of my dedication to this man, it makes me physically ill. To this day, I still have anxiety, nausea, palpitations, and migraines, brought on by the trauma of being in this relationship. When I revisit the multitude of correspondence he sent, I am overwhelmed by the manipulation and how I entrusted my life to this abuser. As you can see, his “best to take care of me” was abuse.“Hi honey, Thank you for such a great weekend! I love our time together and look forward to spending my life with uuuuu! I love you very much and will do my best to take good care of you. The most important thing to me is that you and I are together, living OUR life. Good night my sweet honey.”
My abuser is so disconnected, he was willing to compromise the values of what was suppose to be a dedicated loving union, between the two of us. My abuser compromised all these values and my life’s precious moments, in order to feed his narcissism. I do know that with my abuser, there was ALWAYS some kind of chaos or drama occurring in his life. If he wasn’t complaining about one of his family members, or someone from his work, what they did, what they didn’t do, the focus of his negativity was directed to me. I mistakenly thought that he had been absolved from the dysfunctional and abusive family system, of the victim role and entitlement. However, once revealed, he presented as comfortable in the dysfunctional family system, ultimately choosing to remain a part of producing chaos and drama and needing to control.
The fact of the matter is my abuser even had issues with doing simple everyday tasks together, like grocery shopping. When a fifty year old man has to create chaos and drama over grocery shopping, even finding the need to discuss it in therapy, this is a HUGE red flag. Not only is this a red flag about his need for control, but also about the degree of functioning and coping skills you're dealing with. It then becomes a question of do I really want to deal with my abuser’s issues, those that appear insignificant, trivial and immature, at this point in my life? Is it cancer? Was someone in harm’s way? Or do I want to analyze and agree to not go down “isle five,” at the grocery store when my fiancé is shopping down “isle nine.” Do I want to justify spending an extra few dollars, when my earnings are significantly larger than my abuser’s, on an item that is NOT on the list, and that of course, he carefully planned out for seven days of meals? Am I not capable of making those decisions for myself, without my abuser inferring, that in spite of two masters’ degrees, I am incompetent, inept and useless? What I learned was that all those inferences and feelings he projected out on me, were feelings about him. Accuse me of being unfaithful because of the noises from my computer? Just one more example of how he projected his feelings and way to substantiate his infidelity to our relationship.
Another typical example of the degree of drama, and sadly, to my amusement, was displayed one day when my abuser and I were having a discussion and suddenly he said to me that he had “gashed” his leg at work. .
A “gash” is defined as “a long, deep wound or cut; slash.”
So, in my mind, I was thinking that he must have really hurt himself, yet, this was the first he mentioned it throughout our entire conversation. When I asked to see the wound, thinking that I would see gauze and a wrap of bandages, to my surprise, was a “finger” band aid. When my abuser pulled back the band aid, I saw was a scratch, barely breaking the skin and not even an inch in length. Now, if you think about it, this is how a child experiences getting a “boo boo,” as something bigger, a way to get attention. So, here I am, standing in front of a fifty year old man, with a “boo boo,” waiting to be fussed over and seeking to have his “boo boo” kissed…. and of course, if I didn’t react and feed into his borderline narcissism, my abuser would attribute it to more of my “incompetence.” I frequently found amusement in the way my abuser would react to small injuries, cuts, scrapes and similar everyday mishaps, as he would respond the same. In his flat affect, non emotional, Kermit the frog voice, he would say “ouch.”
Although his life’s trivial day to day mishaps and issues were magnified and of great importance to him, like the true narcissist, nothing that was of importance and meaningful to me was respected and honored. Looking at the scratch on his leg brings me back to reality and to understand that I was dealing with a very ill man. There is NO comparison that I informed my abuser a year in advance about my son’s college graduation and emphasized the importance of being supportive and being present at his memorable achievement.. There is NO comparison that I made hotel reservations a year in advance for my son’s graduation. There is NO comparison that I paid for plane tickets (agreed to by my abuser) nine months before the event and that we would be joining eight other family members for the event. There is NO comparison what so ever to the scratch on my abuser’s leg. Yet, he would still be cruel and use this major event in my life to instill anxiety, anger and pain in me. He would still create chaos and drama, be hurtful to me, my son and my family, and wait for me to finally burst from his unloving, abusive and hateful behavior. So, of course when my heart burst and I cried out in pain, I became angry. Just like the classic abuser & narcissist, he managed to avoid accountability and responsibility for his hurtfulness and turned the situation around on me. This is a very, very sick man. His excuse for not attending; “I don’t want to go.”
Just think, imagine this happening to YOU. Just think, in addition, you refinance your home and access a large sum of your retirement foundation and the cost of all your efforts. Just think about it. Think how you trusted, loved, and believed that your abuser would uphold the values of your dedicated loving union, as he promised.
Now think, you have found out that you were with nothing other than a sociopath, a liar. My abuser said to me “I couldn’t give you what you needed and you couldn’t give me what I needed.” One more attempt, in his disgraceful and borderline narcissistic way to avoid all accountability for his behavior.
Is it pure ignorance, stupidity, low intelligence, or a brain injury?
It is who this man is and unfortunately, not only does he lack the insight to see who he really is, there is no medication, therapy or cure that will help him. \
He is schizoid and has narcissistic & borderline personality disorders. .
The only thing left to do is RUN!
5 Reasons to Stay with the Person You Love
Laura Dave Posted: 18 Aug 2009 07:58 AM PDT
One of my favorite quotes about love and marriage comes from Oscar Wilde: A Man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her. While that saying makes me laugh, Wilde is also getting to something important: Marriage is tricky.
And in today’s society where the martial woes of everyone headline news, we are presented with every reason in the world to give up on our relationships — and fewer and fewer reasons to stay. While researching my most recent novel, I sat down and spoke to women, men, and married couples about why they do stay. And, sometimes, why they wished they had. This is the best advice I’ve found.
1. Love is a decision
Watching Governor Sanford stand up over these past weeks and speak about how he found his soul mate in his Argentinean lover reminded me of something Pema Chodron, a Buddhist nun and author, wrote about Sweat Lodges. She wrote that the only way to be in a Sweat Lodge – to experience all that it brings – is to sit far from the exit. Because if you sit too close, you will find a reason to use it.
The same is true of any long-term relationship. If you decide to look for an exit, you will always be able to find it: whether it comes in the form of another lover, or another life. But the couples I spoke with who decided to commit to their marriages and relationships – to be present for them, to help them grow more sacred – told me that they were immeasurably rewarded for that decision. The more committed they grew to their marriages — the further they sat from the exit — the more joy and peace they found there.
2. There is No Weakness In Forgiveness
I’m not happy anymore; or I’m disappointed; or I have doubts. Three familiar catchphrases that free us up to not work to bring a relationship back to a positive place. In fact, we are conditioned these days to believe that the brave thing is to move on when the honeymoon is over. But that very standard makes it hard for any long-term relationship to survive inevitable disappointments.
While some would argue that it is brave to pick up and start a new life when a relationship begins to ebb, the truly brave thing – the hard and valuable thing – is to figure out how to find a new flow together. As one couple, who is happily married after 40 years together, informed me, “The most invaluable gifts come on the other side of the bad periods. If we hadn’t forgiven each other for the hard times, we never would have experienced such good ones.”
3. Someone New Won’t Be New For Long
One factor is consistent in all studies of marriages and long-term relationships: a main cause of divorce and separation is infidelity. Those that stray (statistically, women as much as men these days) sight many factors as reasons: a breakdown in passion, a breakdown in communication, a breakdown . . .
But statistics also tell us that the chance of a relationship born from infidelity being successful is less than 1 and 100. Less than 1%. More often than not, the best thing someone new has going for him or her is being . . . new. And, once they aren’t anymore, you are left in an even more precarious position.
Whoever you choose – it always comes down to one thing. How hard are you willing to fight to make the relationship work? How easily are you willing to give your relationship away?
4. Often the Person You Are Running From Is You
Surprisingly, of all the reasons couples gave me for why they chose to end their marriage or relationship, the loss of love or mutual friendship was often notably absent. It often came down to something else: the desire to start a new life. To not grow old. Or, at least, to not feel like they were.
It is difficult to stay with the person who knows you best when you don’t like what we see in the mirror. It may be easier to blame your partner than to take a hard look at yourself. But, at the end of the day, it isn’t your partner’s responsibility to change your self-image, or to fix your self-doubt. It’s yours. And, if we want to like ourselves better, running out on a person who likes us the way we are isn’t a wise starting point.
5. You Don’t Need A Reason
Like anything worth having in this life, marriage and long-term commitment are hard work. Sometimes knowing that can be enough to help us not pick at the scabs while they are healing, to not make things worse as opposed to letting them feel better. As a lovely couple in Seattle Washington reminded me, things will feel better. “Be good to each other, be patient. If you allow it, love always lives through that.”
My abuser sat close to the exit, waiting to run, he was never present in the relationship. He would easily give our relationship away. My abuser would easily look to finding a new life, then deal with the disappointments, hard times and forgiving of one another that is part of a lasting relationship. My abuser could not tolerate the emotions that come with intimacy and relationships. He could not look at himself, his own words, actions and behaviors. He would rather place blame on me and easily give the relationship away. My abuser is an abuser, and for him to be good to me would never happen.
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