Introduction
First, I want to say thank you to people that have been reading my blog. I have visited other sites and found mention of my blog and I am excited to say that we are finally reaching out with the message of emotional abuse to victims that suffer in silence. I would also like to say that my story is like so many other stories and that if I can tell it to you in a way that moves you towards healthier relationships and helps to heal ONE heart, I am forever blessed. I encourage you to also visit other sites and read those stories as well.
We are now on facebook.com/LaVitaConscia and have had a place on http://my.socialactions.com/profile/LaVitaConscia since October 2009.
In addition, I want to express that because my heart has ached over someone that I loved who has hurt me, I tell my stories not out of anger, malice, vengeance, power, or glory, but to reach out to those that suffer in silence and those that attempt to keep others silent. I wish you to be safe, joyous and free from harm and that you be in a place of kindness and love.
The people to whom I am sending you are obstinate and stubborn – Ezekiel 2:4
“The only cure for grief is action.” George Henry Lewes
I fell asleep last night for the first time feeling peace, knowing that I had finally seen what I had knew all along, what finally validated and moved me from this abuser. Then I silently said a prayer. First I said a prayer for “J” that she will be spared from the chaos, deceit, lies, pain, manipulation, narcissism and that G-d will move her out of the way. Then I said a prayer for all the rest of the women from the past and future. I gave praise to his ex-wife, knowing the likelihood of her silent suffering and the probability of her abuser pointing the blaming finger at her and her “craziness.” I prayed for his daughter, that the will and strength of a strong mother would repair the codependence being fostered by a controlling and abusive father. Sadly, my abuser has encouraged her “obedient codependent” development with his “sober” controlling parental style, as he describes her rebelling and seeking approval. A tragedy and I pray her mother can circumvent the long term effects. Last, I send prayers to his mother, may she never know all the atrocities.
I had kept going along with this relationship hoping that there would be one time that I could do or say something that he would not react to and emotionally attack me, where I would finally see that he did care, since after all he said he loved me. That never happened. In fact, I only saw his abuse increasing, or the abuse became more evident when I decided to disengage.
On Wed, Aug 11, 2010 at 7:30 AM, MW wrote:
I hope one day you will allow me to be in your life again. I just hope your heart will open up and know.....you were the "ONE".
I love you D B-L.
M
He had told me earlier that he had no contact with “J,” the woman he lied to me about and cheated on me with, yet when I was at his house he had a greeting card on display from her. The next month there was another card on display from her. When I questioned him about the cards he became defensive and told me I had no right to look at them or read them, arguing he had no contact at all with her. Although they were on display for all to see, he had reprimanded me, as if I was a child, instead of being smart enough to not put private things out on display if he didn’t want anyone to see. Of course, he turned the situation around on me, because the topic was about him seeing someone he cheated on me with and not whether I read the cards.
That’s how an abuser lies and manipulates and entangles their victims into their abyss of victimization. They start to make you think and feel “out of sorts,” because they are able to divert the focus from their bad behavior and project it and then become abusive towards you.
I had questioned him, letting him know that this woman could not be so ignorant to keep engaging with him if he was in a committed relationship. It was obvious that he was eliciting the relationship. Knowing she is a Christian, and to keep engaging her, he would keep the persona, something that attracts her and an alluring grooming process that would also bring her into his abyss. Of course, his unhappiness with me, and most likely “my hurtfulness and his victimization” is another hook line and sinker for her, as she is most likely another codependent like me….. NO woman in their right mind would submit to a relationship with a man that is with another woman, especially a Christian woman and there is definitely NO reason to believe that he would be honest anywhere else with anyone else, since there has been NOTHING honest, genuine, or truthful about this man from the start.
He kept swearing that he had not spoken or had any contact with “J.” I confronted him and told him he was lying, that she was on his Facebook page. I even went to his house with MY computer and showed him. Making me the fool, he said that he knew I was going to come to his house and show him on my Facebook page how I could see her on his profile. So, he showed me on his profile that she wasn’t there. Later I learned that he had deceived me because there is a function that will allow members to hide certain “Friends” on your list. So once again he had lied.
Not only was the verbal abuse and passive aggressive behavior getting worse, with sarcasm and hurtful comments meant to make me feel bad about myself, he had also started to control sex more, then quit taking medication, and eventually told me he was “celibate.”
I had continued to feel out of sorts around him. I had expressed concern that I wanted to know what was going to happen during the holidays, because I didn’t want the time to pass, uncertain whether we were going to be together, and then not being able to make plans for anything because reservations fill up. He reassured me that we would sit down and calendar all of our plans together. That never came to fruition. I had also said long ago that I had wanted to go to Disneyland during Christmas, because I have never seen the park at Christmas. Yet, without a thought, while he was at my home one day he says, “I think I’m going to take my mom to Disneyland during Christmas.” He never even acknowledged my request.
I would continue to sit and wait and wonder and I would continue to try to love him, and he would continue to find ways to reject and be hurtful towards me. In every subsequent conversation or interaction, I started to feel like I was in the middle of a tornado, waiting for the eye of the storm to swallow me up, because sooner or later that was going to happen. That is what the narcissist does. I repeatedly let it happen and when the storm dies, they spit you out as the tornado whines down. To him, people are just other objects which are used to project and use, either to pacify his addictions or project all the unmanageable feelings he has never been able to identify and develop into a mature adult male.
Thus the result has been the alcoholism, porn addition, poor impulse control, food addictions, anger, money issues, infidelity and constant searching outside himself to (including faith in a higher power) to avoid looking at severe issues that have been hurting himself, his family and many people throughout his life. He is a man that feels really bad about himself and will make everyone around him pay for it. So, this makes the cycle worse, and the narcissist will project that on to you and will attempt to keep you in his abyss, by his hurtfulness and attacks on your self esteem.
Then, one day I was talking to my friend on the phone, who just so happens to be married to a friend of my abuser. She said something to me that gave me one of those “light bulb moments,” allowing me to see this relationship for what it really is, what I knew all along, but really allowed me to SEE what I was doing to myself and certainly didn’t deserve. She said that “his ex-wife was crazy.”
Knowing what I know about the cycle of emotional abuse and abusers, I knew that his wife wasn’t crazy and that my abuser had done well, because he created the delusion for everyone so that his wife was “viewed” as crazy.
I thought about his ex-wife and her suffering. I decided that I could not allow my abuser to continue to lead me down the crazy path. He had begun to take me from who I was and held close to my heart, and manipulate me to believe things that were his delusions, making me have greater self doubt and becoming someone other than myself. I started believing his lies and making excuses for him, beginning my sentences with “yeah, but…..” I had gone from a place of kindness and love to becoming a part of him.
With the abuser, you have no identity because YOU are part of the tornado. That’s why when I would express my feelings; he would see it as his OWN character defect. That is also another reason why I kept telling my abuser that although he would say he loved me, he never made me feel loved. He rarely behaved in loving ways because with an abuser, you are only there to meet their needs, to become part of their tornado and to keep on feeding it. Once you express your needs, or topple off the pedestal they placed you on to lure you into their abyss, they become relentless. No matter what I would try to do to make my abuser happy, I finally saw that he was on a path of hatefulness and destruction.
I explained this in an earlier posting entitled “Square Pegs Do NOT Go Into Round Holes.” If anyone has ever seen a vampire movie, we all remember how charismatic and good looking the vampire is. He shows interest in whatever it is that you love, alluring you to eventually be overcome. The vampire’s goal is to allure you into his realm by any means, much like the disordered partner. A vampire really has no identity, no allegiance to anyone, so he becomes whatever he sees fit, to bring you into his world. Much like disordered partner who has no identity, but will appear to be the “perfect” person you’ve been waiting for, he will appear to you as the partner you’ve been looking for and make agreements that are meaningless.
Then, one day I was talking to my friend on the phone, who just so happens to be married to a friend of my abuser. She said something to me that gave me one of those “light bulb moments,” allowing me to see this relationship for what it really is, what I knew all along, but really allowed me to SEE what I was doing to myself and certainly didn’t deserve. She said that “his ex-wife was crazy.”
Knowing what I know about the cycle of emotional abuse and abusers, I knew that his wife wasn’t crazy and that my abuser had done well, because he created the delusion for everyone so that his wife was “viewed” as crazy.
I thought about his ex-wife and her suffering. I decided that I could not allow my abuser to continue to lead me down the crazy path. He had begun to take me from who I was and held close to my heart, and manipulate me to believe things that were his delusions, making me have greater self doubt and becoming someone other than myself. I started believing his lies and making excuses for him, beginning my sentences with “yeah, but…..” I had gone from a place of kindness and love to becoming a part of him.
With the abuser, you have no identity because YOU are part of the tornado. That’s why when I would express my feelings; he would see it as his OWN character defect. That is also another reason why I kept telling my abuser that although he would say he loved me, he never made me feel loved. He rarely behaved in loving ways because with an abuser, you are only there to meet their needs, to become part of their tornado and to keep on feeding it. Once you express your needs, or topple off the pedestal they placed you on to lure you into their abyss, they become relentless. No matter what I would try to do to make my abuser happy, I finally saw that he was on a path of hatefulness and destruction.
I explained this in an earlier posting entitled “Square Pegs Do NOT Go Into Round Holes.” If anyone has ever seen a vampire movie, we all remember how charismatic and good looking the vampire is. He shows interest in whatever it is that you love, alluring you to eventually be overcome. The vampire’s goal is to allure you into his realm by any means, much like the disordered partner. A vampire really has no identity, no allegiance to anyone, so he becomes whatever he sees fit, to bring you into his world. Much like disordered partner who has no identity, but will appear to be the “perfect” person you’ve been waiting for, he will appear to you as the partner you’ve been looking for and make agreements that are meaningless.
Like the vampire, once you’re bitten, now you become his. That means, the perfect world he has kept you in, the world that he has wanted you to believe is gone forever. You become the object, the focus of their insecurity, low self-esteem, and anger. The disordered abuser begins to project his never ending struggles of anger and pain on to you. He does this through is berating, shaming, blaming, criticism, chaos, drama, inconsideration, accusations, paranoia, jealousy, and distortions of reality. He hammers and hammers square pegs into round holes and expects you to accept them.
Knowing that my abuser never kept his word, made promises he would not keep, and had done several actions towards me that were disrespectful, degrading and hurtful; I decided that from now on I would not respond to his angry, hurtful and persistent attempts to degrade me. I decided to return to the person I was, and be non reactive and not give him what he wanted. With an abuser, they want you to react to their behavior and become part of their constant chaos and drama. Believe me, every encounter becomes about them and their chaos and drama. By doing this, they are able to take the focus off their horrible behavior and point the finger of blame of what they do on to you. That is why the victims of abusers feel “out of sorts” or are often labeled “crazy” by their abusers. This is how my narcissist abuser and charmer, attempted to keep his persona to the few friends that would pass through his life and appear as a “likable kinda guy.” This is why my friend told me that “his wife was crazy,” because with all his bad behavior, he managed to make others believe he was a victim. Just as he would attempt to be a victim after he managed to coerce me into a relationship and then lie and cheat on me. For him to appear anything less than infallible to those around him is a blow to his ego, and those that are brought into the abyss are the ones that will suffer. I was one of them. Every single “princess, kitten, honey, sweetheart, and baby,” will absolutely follow.
For all of the scripts that he utters are the same to everyone. If you like fishing, he does too. If you jog, he used to run marathons. If you have kids, he’s been “father of the year.” If you love G-d, he’ll run to church with you. He does not discriminate, because this is a person with no sense of self, of who he is and is constantly looking outside himself instead of all the pain that boils inside. Everything my abuser does and all the running is just one band aid after another to cover up what he doesn’t want to look at or deal with. However, with a narcissist, there is little chance that he will get the right help and have consistent therapeutic support. These types of people end up firing therapists because they think they know more or they cannot tolerate limit setting or hearing things that that may bruise their ego. In fact, although he told me for other reasons that he felt therapy in his marriage did not work, I am apprehensive to believe the reasons he gave were truthful.
Now I see things differently, especially since he indicated to me that his wife was unfaithful, even though she did not start seeing anyone until they were getting divorced and they were living separately. Another thing that came to mind was that he told me that his wife had friends that were always trying to get her away from him. Although he made it sound as though her friends were a bad influence, I think her friends trying to get her away from him to save her.
Often times, victims of abusers are not willing to leave our abusers because we think that it will change. We think that if we love them enough or are pretty enough, kind enough, and that we can just get to that point where we can be enough for them and give them what they need that things will change. WE will NEVER be ENOUGH for the bottomless pit of our abusers and YOU will have every drop and morsel sucked from you before ENOUGH of ANYTHING ever comes. In order to survive, YOU need to change and stand clear of the tornado as it attempts to destroy everything in its path.
Making the decision to remove myself from the tornado was difficult, but to do that I knew that I would be returning to the person I was before my abuser came into my life. My actions and heart would always come from a place of kindness and love. No matter what my abuser would say or how shameful his behavior was, no matter the disappointment he handed me, I would come from a place and show kindness and love. I would not engage his contempt, his anger, his rudeness, or his constant self seeking behavior. I continued to offer my help and continued to ask for nothing.
I had been at his home prior to Thanksgiving Day, and naturally he did not plan anything with me. I had invited him and his daughter to my family’s home, but he had indicated that he was going to be with his mother and sister. Never telling me that some of those plans fell through, he said he was going to his buddy’s house, a guy that he had not seen in a long time and then over to his mother’s. As I was leaving his house, there were some MapQuest directions plastered on the front door and I looked at them. They were directions for traveling far from his home. When I made a comment about the distance, he immediately berated me for reading the document.
Making the decision to remove myself from the tornado was difficult, but to do that I knew that I would be returning to the person I was before my abuser came into my life. My actions and heart would always come from a place of kindness and love. No matter what my abuser would say or how shameful his behavior was, no matter the disappointment he handed me, I would come from a place and show kindness and love. I would not engage his contempt, his anger, his rudeness, or his constant self seeking behavior. I continued to offer my help and continued to ask for nothing.
I had been at his home prior to Thanksgiving Day, and naturally he did not plan anything with me. I had invited him and his daughter to my family’s home, but he had indicated that he was going to be with his mother and sister. Never telling me that some of those plans fell through, he said he was going to his buddy’s house, a guy that he had not seen in a long time and then over to his mother’s. As I was leaving his house, there were some MapQuest directions plastered on the front door and I looked at them. They were directions for traveling far from his home. When I made a comment about the distance, he immediately berated me for reading the document.
At that moment, I could feel a knife in my heart, just like all the other times when he would berate me like a child and try to control or punish me for idiotic things. What was he hiding? I left his house because I was not going to engage his hurtfulness. I thought about what had happened and then began to think that I welcomed this man into my home completely, I gave him a place to rest his head beside me in my own bed, I provide him a place to bathe, cook for him, cleared a space so he could set up his school or office work, offered him whatever he needed, and have given my body. I allowed this man to explore every orifice of my body with absolute vulnerability with complete trust and love. Here, I am in his home and he has the nerve to berate me about reading MapQuest directions? Here, I am in his home and he has the nerve to display cards from another woman, and one that he has been unfaithful with? I was not going to react. I would tell him, and express my hurt. By the time Thanksgiving came and he did not plan with me anytime to see me, he sent an email and asked to see me the Friday after. Since I didn’t respond fast enough, due to a broken computer modem, I was “punished” and the invitation was withdrawn.
I had emailed him a couple of documents, one about gratitude and the other about spirituality. I had written some things about my feelings about spirituality and it also contained some information about Mindfulness practice, which is founded on meditation practice and awareness. I was sharing some personal information and allowing myself to be vulnerable. Of course he took advantage of that and personalized what I sent because to the narcissist, EVERYTHING is about them. He responded and sent me a message that said, “By what u sent me this spiritual path whatever it evident that ur seeking some type of weird satisfaction of trying to now question my spirituality. Wow. I figured there were a few more loving tricks up thy pretty sleeve.” No matter how I would try to reach out, be kind or care for this man he continued to be hurtful. I began to see and accept that THIS is who he really is, the side that I see, and no one else would get to see and by keeping myself out of the tornado, things became clearer.
Initially, when I first found out that my abuser was unfaithful to me, I was devastated. He assured me that he was not sexually intimate with this “J” woman. He told me that he was NOT attracted to her at all. I could not understand why he would even want to look for anyone because he was telling me how he was falling in love, we were having so much fun and I had finally felt safe enough with him that I could let our relationship become intimate. He knew how serious I was about sexual relationships, the importance of monogamy, commitment, and what allowing myself to engage at that level in the relationship meant to me. I had made it clear what this expression of sharing meant to me and that it was a very huge step in moving forward with him. He acknowledged and indicated he understood and I trusted that he would respect, honor and protect that boundary at all times.
However, my abuser did the opposite and used this to degrade, devalue and dehumanize me in every way possible, and ultimately told me in a text message that he is “not there in mind and body” and said that he feels he has “more to offer than just sex,” and that his “whole life has been about sex” and he just “hates it.” So, in more than one way, he told me he used me for sex. He degraded, dehumanized, and devalued me once more, when I had loved him. Knowing what having sexual relations meant to me and the seriousness of it, this was the most degrading and devastating thing that he could have said to me and at that moment, I felt dirtier and more dehumanized in this relationship than ever before. At that very moment I never thought I would encounter a human being so cruel. The polarity of his behavior was too much and more than abusive to handle any longer.
Just the very night before, I had been at his house to help him to figure out his school loan fees and to also make reservations for a Vegas trip he wanted to take me on. While I was there, I asked to use his computer to search for some Ugg boots that were on sale. When I went to the Google search engine to plug in the search, the Google search immediately initialized “full+sex+video.” I clicked on the link and a whole array of porn sites popped up. I realized from the sites and the frequency of visits, that this was another skeleton in the closet and another addiction and all related to his overall pathology. Yet, with everything I know about him, and as much as I do care, I cannot be the recipient of all the pain I keep seeing in his life and continue to allow him to abuse me.
That night at his house I sat there on his couch and made sure that I would respect any boundary by not touching anything without asking. So I sat waiting patiently, checking my work emails on my Droid, while he was angrily cussing that he had spent half his day losing money setting up a new fax machine, while the computer technician was on the speaker phone trying to help him with the set-up. After a while, I suppose it was working, because he hung up the phone and came and sat on the couch next to me and started using his own laptop computer that sits open all day, next to his cell phone that kept blinking to alert him of new text messages. He showed me his dilemma over his school finances and I reviewed the financial aid he was receiving to cover his tuition. I inquired about some money he was being repaid from a bad investment he had made, hoping that might be a resource that he could use until he was reimbursed from work. That triggered more anger, because the person who owed him money was late paying, so now he was calling that person and chewing them out.
Next, the computer technician calls back and now he is dealing with the work issue again. Here comes the tornado! As I watched what was happening I chuckled, because I knew I was not going to allow myself to become part of his chaos or get sucked in the eye of the storm. Even when he heard my chuckle and he snapped and said “that shows what kind of person you are,” all I could think was that he was showing and confirming who he was, because by keeping myself out of his chaos, I just sat there watching. Seeing the trail of links to porn sites when I went to use Google on his home computer was the “stamp” to tell me that my Guardian Angels were watching over me.
The following day I thought I would just check in to see if perhaps I would see a ray of light, that there could be some humbleness and grace within him. I decided to send him an email hoping that he would have a better day and acknowledge that he was having a difficult time the evening before. He indicated to me that I “you should have been right on it when you came in and it was like pulling teeth to either get you away from the "droid" or whatever it was you were doing and as you said, you were sitting and waiting to look at Vegas but there were two computers here and when you decided you moved on to it after I was pissed at the way you did "react" to what was going on.” Now this is just more of the confusing messages that an abuser will send because on one end if I read a greeting card displayed out in the open or read a MapQuest direction that is plastered in front of my face, I am chastised like a five year old child. Yet, in this situation, he expected me to come in to his home and “get right on it” and use his computer.
He had not changed. He had still been engaging in the same behavior as he did the day he knocked on my door again and promised he would never hurt me and that he would be honest and open no matter what. That meant he was still soliciting women, visiting porn web sites, and all the activities that go along with that. Those were just some of the things he engaged in when I initially found out about his cheating by an email from someone that he had previously encountered, either from a porn site or dating. These with a succession of occurrences have always kept me vigilant of his behavior. My education and experience as a licensed mental health professional has also helped me to see and understand the signs and symptoms of mood disorders, personality disorders and addictions, so I feel very accurate with what I have repeatedly seen and experienced over the last several months. Not only had I suspected it, my abuser validated it over and over. I often refer people to the work of Richard Skeritt, a non professional who has written a wonderful book Tears and Healing; The Journey to the Light After an Abusive Relationship. He also has three others in his series. I highly recommend them.
When someone says that they don’t know whether they could ever be faithful to one person, they have just spoken a disclaimer for what is going to come. That thought, that impulse, that action to do that behavior is in their repertoire of actions, values, beliefs, plans, choices and alternatives. They have just told you they are a cheater. These are the values and choices my abuser makes.
I was thinking how incredibly sad it is, especially how sad that after he initially deceived me, lied and cheated behind my back that he somehow believed in his mind that he was being hurt. He actually tried to make ME believe that I had done something to him. I know that this is the love/hate syndrome of borderline behavior, when his emotions fluctuate from “being in love” to not knowing how he feels when facing challenges. Normal people that love others do not vacillate from one extreme with their partners when they love each other. They work out their difficulties. Children that are not developed do not have a fully developed sense of self ego you will hear say to their parents when they are reprimanded “I hate you.” This is why as professionals we always say that all children have Borderline personalities because their ego is not fully developed. If you do something they don’t like, they see you as being a bad person. They don’t understand that people are not “all good or all bad.” Neither does my abuser.
I had learned that this man is unfaithful in all words and action. To have continued any connections he had made on the internet was NOT being in the relationship he said he was giving to me. To have been deceived and cheated on and then to find out to have been taken advantage of by giving myself to him intimately, after I explained time and time again what consenting to sexual relations with him meant to me is coercion and more emotional rape. He lied to me. I also know that one that speaks the way he does of others will certainly speak that way of you one day. This was the sign from the start. He has lied from the start. So, for me to think that I was special or different from anyone else that came along in his life would be just as narcissistic as him. There is not a next time that will be different. He told me what I wanted to hear to get what he wanted. He will tell the next person the same. He is telling her now. If she is reading this, I will pray she is smart enough to know that he is tapping in on what you love the most to get into your world. You are the “flavor of the day.” Listen, listen closely and read the message.
These abusers, narcissists, sociopaths, borderlines or whatever you want to call them are viewed by the outside world as the charming, sweet, helpful kind of guy that everyone likes. A friend of mine told me that everyone also thought that Ted Bundy was sweet too. So, once they are close to you, get you in their grasp, you are the only one that sees their true self. This is why victims of emotional abusers often suffer in silence. This is why I keep writing my story, so I will not be in silence and so everyone and anyone that has ever suffered in silence will not have to scream inside for the rest of their lives.
For me, I had to take my life back and protect myself from harm. It is difficult to care for a disordered person, one that will look to you to take on the burdens of their world. I was in the store with a friend scanning the books and came across one that jumped out at me. When that happens, I know my Angels are telling me there is a message waiting and that book is going home with me. Of course it was going with me; it was called “G-d’s Guest List.” When I open to a random page, that page is the message that I know has been the message that was intended for me.
The page that I opened had this message:
No one abuses his own body does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of His body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.
– Ephesians 5:29 – 33
Now, even though not born a Christian I have embraced all beliefs and understand this message. Even in the Jewish religion, the same is true. Knowing in my heart that this is my value and belief, I also know that this is not what my abuser could do. I don’t see any woman being in that place without a miracle. For now, I pray for peace in my heart, and the ache won’t hurt so long, and the tears will stop falling.
Now, even though not born a Christian I have embraced all beliefs and understand this message. Even in the Jewish religion, the same is true. Knowing in my heart that this is my value and belief, I also know that this is not what my abuser could do. I don’t see any woman being in that place without a miracle. For now, I pray for peace in my heart, and the ache won’t hurt so long, and the tears will stop falling.
I pray for my abuser, that he become settled in his heart and stop beating love when it stands before his eyes. I pray he learn truth, and wholeness, and know what it is like to be free from deception, manipulation, defensiveness, anger, self loathing, suspicion, and fear. I pray he embrace goodness, kindness, grace, empathy, compassion, charity, humbleness, health and love.
